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I've just hurt someone a lot

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by RainydayTofu, Nov 9, 2019.

  1. RainydayTofu

    RainydayTofu Guest

    I've just broken up with someone in a horrible way. I was seeing this guy for a few weeks, slept round his flat a few times. Probably the most relationship-y I've got with anyone (I like being single I think, and I just don't feel good in relationships, but I just keep trying for some reason. I just can't find anyone yet who really matches that well with me for whatever reason).

    Anyway, this morning when he dropped me off I told him maybe we could just see each other as mates next time. He said he was disappointed and he looked it too, and I was just stumbling around looking for words to say because I'm always so awful at breaking up with guys, only this time was different in that I guess I'd just given too many signs that I liked him (which I kinda did; I'm can never tell if I like someone- I've never missed anyone I've been with in the past after the relationship ended though).

    So, before I know it i'm sitting in his car outside my house CRYING and telling him about some stuff that happened to me when I was little (I don't know if that's the reason I can't do relationships...maybe) He said it was fine and I was embarrassed. I apologised for being such an a**hole (because I am, really) but he just kept looking more and more disappointed. I feel so horribly guilty :frowning2: I know I was such a colossal douche to 'lead him on' or whatever (I never actually said I wanted to make it serious, I guess at times I felt like that and may have acted that way).

    I know being single is what's right for me at the moment. But I always feel so horrible and guilty when I break up with people.

    I don't know if any of this makes sense :frowning2: I just didn't know what to say at all. I think I've just got quite good at acting that I do give the impression to guys that I want to be with them forever and ever, while my brain/subconscious/heart is telling me "GET OUT, GET OUT NOW!!!"

    Maybe I just needed to vent. I just feel so responsible for him feeling disappointed, because I was such a dickhead about it all. God I don't know what to do.

    He kept asking if I'd consider getting back together in the future and I kept saying "Maybe" but I just know I'd rather not. There's just too much stuff we don't match on; he has a 'repectable' job, apartment and car whereas I've just quit everything to become a student. my dream is to live a simple life without many posessions, being as self-sufficient as possible and maybe even sell my art. I dunno why I'm telling EC all this...? It seems important to say I imagine a long-term relationship and marriage and all that kind of stuff as a prison sentence- I just can't imagine it for me :/

    If you read all that and think I'm an a**hole then hey, I kind of agree with you, wo don't worry about saying so :slight_smile:
     
  2. Oliverrrrr

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    You really needn't feel bad about this. So - you had a nice time with this guy, he feels for you, but you feel that actually you're not up for anything 'serious' (whatever that means) so broke it off. I don't see any problem there.

    To me that sounds like a responsible and kind thing, painful for sure, but motivated by knowing what's right for you. That can only be good. He'll get over it, and maybe, just maybe you'll still be friends in years to come. Also, it's great that you felt able to open up about the painful past and great that he was ok with it. No shame to be had there.

    It does sound like you need space and time to work on intimacy issues, but are you an Ahole for it? Nope. Sounds to me like your a regular human being with some stuff to work through. Be kind to yourself (and have a hug from me).
     
  3. I'mStillStanding

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    Yea I totally agree you’re not an ahole at all..I think there’s a lot of people who aren’t in a place where they want a serious relationship at all. I mean I don’t currently. I do one day want a husband and maybe a family but not right now!

    I will say in your post you seem to flip back and forth some between how feel about him. Like you liked him, but you didn’t want something serious, you don’t want to get back with him, but you miss him, etc. I think maybe you should work through what ever you shared with him in the car as why you think you push people away.

    Also him having a different type job, a car, living in an apartment you find better doesn’t mean y’all don’t match. Those aren’t things that make people match... for some they can be road blocks for sure but they are not the core of a person. Those things change... I think your judging yourself harshly here... just my opinion. And selling art is an awesome goal :slight_smile: if I could do anything I’d like spend half the time acting and the other half working for non profits lol I love things but not more than I love people or memories so I mean....
     
  4. bookreader

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    Hello,

    Have you considered talking to a therapist or a counselor about your feelings? I think it’s good to have someone help guide you and better yourself as a person.
     
  5. RainydayTofu

    RainydayTofu Guest

    Thank you. I suppose I feel like I made a decision for my own benefit, and I feel guilty about it. He seems really keen on being friends still, which I think I'll have to go along with! It was listening to other people that kind of forced me into looking for. A relationship in the first place, so I am going to try to listen to what I want/need more!
     
    Oliverrrrr likes this.
  6. RainydayTofu

    RainydayTofu Guest

    I've tried twice in the past, and to be honest I just didn't get anything out of it- counsellors/therapists (in my limited experience) tend to shy away from the bigger issues, and for personal reasons I'd prefer to see a male therapist, which for some reason does not go down well!

    I hope I don't sound like I'm trashing your idea though! Thanks for posting :slight_smile:
     
  7. RainydayTofu

    RainydayTofu Guest

    To be honest I don't think I would miss him at all I'm just thinking out loud here but the main reasons I push people away from relationships with me are:
    1. I have a great group of friends I love spending time with. They fulfil my social need as a human so frickin well haha. I love my mates more than I think I could ever love a sexual partner. I've known some of them since I was 4, others I met while I was in the middle of a deep, deep depression and they STILL like me!

    2. Any sort of relationship, even at the beginning feels like prison- a very dramatic way to put it but I value my independence so much!

    I think I'm going to have to do some research about the stuff that happened to me when I was little that affects my feelings about intimacy today (not putting all this on you btw, just using my reply to you as a way of thinking it through! Lol). I'm starting to remember more of what happened, I think because my brain knows I'm quite happy at this stage in my life, and that I can cope with processing some nasty stuff, perhaps.

    Hmm, the 'life goals' I have are so important to me... I'm not sure I could settle down with anyone who didn't have similar goals- perhaps this makes me very judgmental, or I just have very strong core beliefs. One example is that when I'm scrolling through profiles on dating apps, I IMMEDIATELY disregard any guy who puts his job title as something in 'management'

    Anyway, thank you for your post! :slight_smile:
     
  8. RainydayTofu

    RainydayTofu Guest

    I feel like I should add two important things:

    1. This guy I was seeing was too into lovey-dovey stuff for me- he always wanted to hug and cuddle even just watching TV on the sofa, he wanted to cuddle. I need my own space - physically - and I hate been cuddled or spooned when I'm trying to sleep. I just can't sleep next to anyone- I HAVE to have my own bed if I'm gonna get to sleep :frowning2:

    2. Texting/messaging. No exaggeration, this is the bane of my life in every relationship I've been in. I *hate* the endless messaging. Before dates, after dates, even after we've broken up (as in this case!). The constant pressure to reply with something clever and interesting and sexy. NO. Just arrange where and when to meet and leave it at that! Let's talk on person, which is a million times easier and more fun! I've even told guys in the past "Hey I'm not really into texting, and I've run out of interesting things to say, how about we just wait to see each other in person?" and they STILL don't get the message!

    Just needed to vent that, I think it's related though
     
  9. I'mStillStanding

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    Well be happy where you are then :slight_smile: don’t feel guilty about not wanting a relationship with someone. I’d say just make sure you openly communicate that with guys you are intimate with. Most will totally get it and some of those won’t be interested in just a friendship thing with sex. A few will say they get it but will hope they can change your mind. That’s on them as long as you’ve been honest the entire time... I mean that’s what I do personally since I’m not ready for serious.

    Posting job titles... there’s a fine line between trying to share what you do to find common ground and trying to say I’m better than blah. Drives me crazy when guys post pics of cars or stuff like that... I’m thinking what you trying to make up for with that???

    I know you said you didn’t get much out of therapy... I find it interesting you only wanna see male therapist because I’m the opposite. The therapist I see for EMDR is male and my regular therapist asked how things were going with that... she knows I’m not normally comfortable with that. I will say I’ve kept the stuff from my childhood (sexual abuse) mainly to myself even though I’ve been in and out of therapy since the first time it happened. I’ve told bits and pieces to therapists but just enough to feel like I’d let them know and get the pressure off. The last month has been the first time I’ve actually unpacked it all memory by memory and discussed it (well still working through the first guy actually). I’m not gonna lie that part is horrible, but I have also never felt better. I couldn’t imagine going trough it alone. So what ever you’re starting to process from childhood, maybe if you don’t wanna try and give therapy another shot, perhaps a support group of some kind. Something where you’d have someone else there as kinda back up to help.
     
  10. RainydayTofu

    RainydayTofu Guest

    Thanks. I know I shouldn't feel like this but occasionally I just need to hear that 'permission' from someone that it's OK to be me! At the moment I'm a student and most people of that age group (at my university anyway) really demonise the single life like it's a mental illness or cancer or something. Very weird!

    Haha glad someone agrees with me on the job titles thing. It'd be less obnoxious if they posted the size of their dick XD

    I think it's partly because the people who did stuff to me when I was little were women, but also all my friends are [straight] men- I'm just more comfortable with 'blokey' company when taking about personal stuff. It's really interesting to me because if a woman were to say she'd prefer a female therapist (especially in cases of sexual abuse) most wouldn't argue, but if a man requests a male therapist, many in the profession are quick to start labelling him a sexist. Anyway, that's a contentious issue for another day!

    Maybe I'll try therapy again sometime. I don't remember very much and it all feels so trivial as a result compared to people who can give a blow-by-blow account of what they went through as children.
     
  11. I'mStillStanding

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    I don’t understand the rush. I mean it’s crazy most people my age have kids in school... I couldn’t imagine being a parent right now hahahahaha I’m like we are far too young lol

    Less obnoxious and definitely more useful hahahahaha

    That makes sense, I mean I think the reason I’ve always been more comfortable around women growing up was because men were the ones who hurt me... and I didn’t really fit in with the boys either so there’s that too.

    I blocked out so much of mine that now that I’m talking through it I’m having to actually open up those memories. I’m very shocked at how much there is in there to remember. But I don’t think we need to have all the memories to have it impact us in a very big way. So you should definitely try therapy again... if your up to it.
     
  12. bookreader

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    Why do you think they shy away from the bigger issues?
     
  13. Mirko

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    Hi there! The above stood out for me, in that you mention that you feel that being single is best at the moment. So my question is, if you know this to be the case, how come you are placing yourself in situations where you are faced with having to backtrack, hurting not only the feelings of the person you are dating but also your own feelings about yourself?

    I do however would encourage you as well to give therapy another chance. How come your preferance of seeing a male therapist would not or does not go down well (to use your wording)?
     
  14. RainydayTofu

    RainydayTofu Guest

    To be honest it's just me trying to conform to societal pressure to get partnered up. This incident has reminded me you shouldn't force yourself to do things you know aren't for you. Also, I sort of wanted a boyfriend so I'd have an excuse to come out to my mom and dad (again with the societal pressure from gay people to come out!). But after just one day single again I feel so much better! I've had a good night's sleep, spent time doing my hobbies, spent time with friends and feel good about myself :slight_smile:

    I will have a think about therapy. I dont feel like my 'story' is grand enough to warrant it though :/ There's a lot I don't remember, so I'm not even sure if it happened. I might ask my mom when I see her at Christmas to help me fill in the details.

    I've always had the reaction from female therapists that I'm being ungrateful and demanding in saying I'd prefer to talk to a dude :/
     
    #14 RainydayTofu, Nov 11, 2019
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 11, 2019
  15. RainydayTofu

    RainydayTofu Guest

    Honestly I've no idea! I struggle to understand therapists and their motives at all really! :slight_smile: they always seem to have their own agenda and pre-conceived ideas about your life.
     
  16. RainydayTofu

    RainydayTofu Guest

    Yeah, I heard somewhere that whether or not we remember an upsetting event clearly or not isn't important from a therapeutic point of view; rather, what's important is how we feel about it.

    I might ask my mom about it when I see her at Christmas. She doesn't know exactly what happened and I don't want her to but she has hinted in the past that I was acting strange and not happy at the time.

    Hmm I'll have to think about it- I am a die-hard sceptic when it comes to therapy and therapists!