its taken me a Long time to even say that I am but I am and f*ck I hate it. I’m not sure if I can swear on this site so I apologise in advance if I’m not supposed to.pls offer any advice u can. I wish more than anything that I wasn’t asexual. I know sexuality is fluid and maybe one day I’ll find someone I’m atttracted to but it’s something I can’t control/do anyth abt and it kills me It kills me that 98% of everyone on the planet is experiencing this cool thing that I’ll never get to experience. I like to u know imagine the sex act when I’m masturbating but I don’t like picture anyone’s face etc. I stare at ppl who are subjectively gorgeous, trying to force myself to feel something but I can’t. And I’m so angry and frustrated and oh look now I’m crying ha ha. I just don’t wanna miss out on this big thing in life and I can’t like enjoy kissing or sex as much at all as the average person even though I really want to. I have sexual urges but actually doing it is just weird and oh my god I hate this I once made out with someone and I went home and washed my mouth and brushed my teeth twice because I was so disgusted I felt so dirty and I knew it was irrational and I just hate feeling this way I wanna feel attraction. Pls pls pls. I don’t know why I’m pleading bc it’s not like it’ll change anyth but I’m just very distraught.
I was recently introduced to the term “demisexual”. Are you familiar with it? The idea is that you don’t experience sexual attraction until you have a well established emotional bond with someone. I’m not trying to talk you out of a label...only you know. But I thought I’d mention it in case it gives you some hope. I’m in my mid thirties, married, bi and I can say that all the things you’ve described I’ve experienced. Pre serious relationships masturbating was faceless and I’ve never had an experience of strong sexual attraction to someone I didn’t know quite well.
I’m in my mid thirties and I guess I label myself as demi. I can’t just look at people off the street or pictures etc and feel anything. I need to really know the person and trust them etc before I feel anything. I think a lot of people are like this. I would try not to worry about your lack of feeling things, as that will make it worse but focus on meeting people and making friends and just seeing what happens. That’s what I did and now I have a girlfriend. I still don’t think I feel as much as others but we are all different. Are you seeing a therapist at all or is it a possibility? You’re thoughts re feeling dirty etc are probably not helping either but whether that’s linked to the trauma you’ve experienced I can’t say, but it might be worth discussing with a professional.
OP: What you're describing isn't really 'asexual' as the term has been widely used and accepted for decades, so that's probably a good thing. Overwhelmingly, according to the research, the majority of people that have difficulties feeling strong sexual attraction often have an underlying mental health issue (some form of depression or anxiety disorder is most common) that is suppressing sexual attraction and desire. Additionally, many people who have difficulty with sexual arousal and attraction also have difficulties feeling other strong emotions (truly intense joy, grief, anger, for example) which is essentially a learned behavior. So the really awesome news here is... this is almost always solvable. What, if any steps have you taken thus far? Have you explored therapy? Do any of the things I mentioned above resonate with you? On the 'demisexual' issue... it is basically a term that describes probably half or more of the population. There's nothing remotely unique or unusual about not feeling attraction to someone until you get to know and understand them. It's one of those labels that, hey, if it's useful to anyone, have at it, but really isn't needed. Though others may find it helpful, I've not seen it to actually be useful in helping people understand and accept themselves.
I'm literally awake at 4 in the morning obsessively thinking this exact thing. I came out as gay years ago, and there are parts of that that fit perfectly, but there's just some sort of break when it comes to the sexual side of relationships. Like, I want the companionship and the intimacy and the commitment, but my brain/body just doesn't understand what that has to do with kissing/sex/whatever. I want to feel it so bad, but I don't. It just seems insurmountable. It's probably the one thing I hate about myself. That this one thing is ruining my chances at a real intimate relationship with someone. (And as much as I appreciate Chip's contribution, because I think asexuality is "overdiagnosed" to an extent, I can safely say that I am able to feel strong emotions and don't generally suffer from anxiety/depression and have explored therapy, but it hasn't changed how I feel.)
