Newbie here with an awfully long story so please bare with me.. I'm a 22 year old cis female who has always identified as straight. I've always had sex and relationships with guys and I've loved the guys I've been in relationships with. Then when I was 17/18 years old I realised I was having lesbian and bisexual tendencies but only sexual and physical attractions, never romantic. I've never acted upon these feelings or told anyone because I was scared of what others would say and what this would mean for me. A couple of years ago a girl not much older than me joined my work and at first we didn't click and didn't talk to each other. Then out of nowhere we started to hang out. We started to speak a lot outside of work, made plans after our shifts together and on our days off, she met my mom, I met her parent briefly and we got really close really quick. To us, we were just friends hanging out but I felt like I could be myself around her in a way that I never could with anyone else I'd ever met, not even girlfriends I'd known since middle school. I got the feeling she was into girls as well as guys just by her aura and theway she presented herself but she only ever spoke about guys so I didn't mention anything. I bailed on plans we made and she has a really no nonsense, doesn't take shit from anyone kinda thing going on so she told me the next time I bail she's done with me and our friendship which I found kinda harsh. She didn't put up with bs and I wasn't used to this but it's one of the things I liked about her. Stupidly I bailed a second time on plans we made, gave her some bs excuse why I couldn't go and true to her word she cut me off. I bailed because I do stupid shit to sabotage myself when things are going well and I got scared about my feelings. Work became so awkward. She would ignore me, wouldn't be able to stay in the same room as me and you could cut the tension with a knife, so I started dating a guy work colleague who I pursued during mine and the girls fallout. Fast forward a year later and we all still work together and I'm now in a relationship with the guy from work. I love him and he treats me amazingly but when I'm with him I don't feel like me, I feel like 2 different people. At a work event me and the girl were talking for the first time in nearly a year, laughing together, only really focusing on each other for most of the night eventhough my bf was at the event too, and I think it's because alcohol was involved but in that moment it just felt good to have my friend back. So in that same moment I tell her everything. I tell her I had feelings for her and I still think about her, I come out to her, I tell her about my bisexual/lesbian thoughts and tell her I'd never met someone who made me feel more like myself than she did. She says "me too" and I felt so happy and relieved that she did. But then she asked me why I was telling her this a year later after we stopped being friends and she asked me if I'd be able to tell her without alcohol being involved, so I could already pick up that she was getting defensive and wasn't sure whether to believe me which I could understand as I'd lied to her in the past but it still hurt that she had her back up. I wasn't really sure what I wanted from the conversation but it felt like a weight off my shoulders and she told me that she'dnever dismiss my feelings and not to label myself as long as I'm happy in whatever I'm doing or whatever situation I'm in. A few days pass and everything seems okay at work, we're kind of getting on and nothing is brought up from the work event because I'm not really sure what to say and if I should say anything. I just enjoy the fact that we're kinda getting on again. Then a few more days pass and she dms me telling me - she's not sure how to be with me after our big conversation, asking me again why I brought this all up a year after we stopped being friends, why I would do that while my bf was on the opposite side of the room non the wiser and that she wasn't even sure whether to believe what I'd said and whether or not I was doing it for attention, doing it because I'm bored or doing it because I'd been drinking and that she thinks we should keep everything about work and work only - and I'm so upset. I couldn't believe she thought I could make something like that up or say something that important and meaningful for attention. I reply to the dm by saying I meant every word even if I had been drinking, that I love my bf and that I agree we should keep it civil but inside I feel so hurt. At work it goes back to the awkward silences and heavy tension, we go back to ignoring one another and it sucks. 2 weeks or so later another work event happened and we get talking again but it's hostile and uncomfortable and I keep trying to bring up what had happened because I really wanted to talk about it and she said anything she would want to say to me she would rather do it when she's sober, but I kept pushing so she asked me - do you still have feelings for me? - and I panicked and said no. Then she said - I was good where we were after we stopped being friends you know? Not talking, keeping everything about work. I wish you'd never told me - and I die inside. I tell her that makes me feel like shit and she told me she didn't give a f*ck. The girl has a real way of knowing what to say to people to hurt them and she knew that would hurt me. A few days later at work I put all my efforts into ignoring her and pretending like she didn't exist and this goes on for a month but I feel anxious, awful, hurt and scared she would tell people about everything. So I start telling people at work we're not friends because she had a thing for my bf and got super jealous when I hung out with other people, both of those were obviously untrue and I know it was wrong to do, but I went into self-preservation mode because I was scared she would out me. Bringing us up to today, I'm still with the guy, we're now living together and still working together, and the girl still works at the same place, but all of the tension, not speaking to each other, not being able to stand near each other, not being able to be in the same room as one another is still happening. Work colleagues have to socialize with us separately because they all know we don't get on but they still don't know why. I've tried to move on from all of this by staying with my bf, moving in with him, keeping my feelings to myself but I still think about it and what's even worse is that I think she found out I told people she had a thing for the guy. What should I do? I don't know why there is still tension and awkwardness after so long, does it mean there are still feelings there? Could you guys please give your honest opinions on this situation? Thank you
Hey welcome to EC. That is quite a story you have there. Dealing with things like sexuality is always harder when you are in a relationship, although to a point it sounds like you have it figured out that you like guys and girls. I know it is really tough but for a start I think you need to try and separate the thing with the girl and your boyfriend and try and look at them as 2 separate things, which they are but they are also linked. Firstly your boyfriend, are you happy in the relationship, I mean you said he is a great guy and he treats you really well but that doesnt tell me that you are happy, that to me sounds like you telling yourself you should be happy, but perhaps you are not. It might just be the way I read it though. Further down your post you say you have tried to make it right by moving in with him etc, I mean I'm not sure moving in ever makes things right, if there is something wrong in the first place. Or were you just hoping it would make you forget the girl. Talking about the girl, I dont think you need me to point out the things you shouldn't have done. WHen you think solely about her and completely forget about your boyfriend for a moment, what do you think? If you were single what would you do or want to happen?
Hey silverhalo, thank you for replying I love my bf, he's a really good guy. We have our issues and he had stuff going on from a past relationship that he brought into our relationship which made him paranoid and jealous, but we go on holidays together, we spend most of our time together, we work and live together so overall everything's okay. With the girl I've tried to move on but if there is still tension and awkwardness there I guess not everything is in the past. When I think about her solely, it's been so long since we were close so I put everything to the back of my head, and if anything were to happen it would be so difficult. She's the only person I've told about my feelings because I was too scared to tell my friends and family. We are complete opposites but at the same time when we were together we just clicked and it felt right and I could be myself. I wouldn't want to jeopardize what I have with my bf and everything I have with him is what seems like the right thing to have. And I guess if I were single, from the way I know the girl and what she's like, I don't think she'd want anything to do with me if I did try and talk to her about this again
No problem. What do you think would be difficult if anything were to happen with the girl? When you say everything you have with your boyfriend is what seems like the right thing to have, is that because you feel like you have everything that everyone else seems to want?
My family and friends finding out, mostly my mom. Having a relationship with a guy is so easy and not challenging, but there are so many obstacles when it comes to same sex relationships. Plus the way the girl reacted when I told her pretty much made me step back into the closet and push all these feelings down and try my hardest to ignore them and move on. And yes, I have a good looking boyfriend who works out, holds down a job and is studying to get into the medical field, his parents are wealthy enough and have great jobs so yeah, I'm doing well in the faces of the outsiders looking in. I feel like I have pushed everything so far down and left it so long that it's crazy to even think of ruining or jeopardizing what we have
Is your mum homophobic? I get it, I totally do, being gay can be tough and coming out it not something I would wish upon anyone, I am also not here to tell you how you feel. However I will say before you decide to ignore these feelings and push them away again spend some time reading through some of the stories in the later in life section. There you will find lots of people who were in situations similar to how yours looks on the face of it and they chose to ignore the feelings, only for them to keep returning stronger and stronger during their life. Ultimately only you know how you feel and only you can make the decisions on what you want to do but I will say you cannot find happiness in other peoples dreams.
She doesn't agree with it and she has opinions that have effects on my decisions in life, but she's my mom and I don't want to upset or argue with her. I'll read through the section you suggested and thank you for your advice. I needed to get that off my chest
Hey and thank you for posting and reaching out. This sounds like a difficult position. From what I can see the awkwardness is there for a reason and I’d guess she has feelings for you but it may be bringing struggles for you both, whatever her personal reasons are. I was in a similar position and the girl at work is still under my skin although the situation is too complicated to do anything. I was in a relation and as silverhalo said, I had to separate the 2 things. The fact I was with a man and how I truly felt and the fact I was feeling something for a woman, taking her out of the equation. It was the hardest decision of my life but the most worthwhile. No one can advise you what to do but it’s worth exploring who you are, what you want and if you are happy. What do you truly want your life to look like? I wish you the best, I know this isn’t easy.
