So, some of you already know my story (sorry for being so repetitive!). Anyway, I've came to the conclusion that guilt is what blocks me from leaving my wife and living as a gay man. I no longer have questions about my sexuality. I know I'm gay and I'm totally happy with it. I also have no fears of what others would think. If I could, I'd scream "I AM GAY!!" for the whole world to hear. No embarassment, no shame, no nothing. I feel awesome when I consider that soon I'll be an openly gay man. No shame or guilt about my kid either. She's too young, but she'll understand with time that her dad is gay and that's fine. It means nothing, really. It doesn't change my values, my virtues and faults, my hobbies, my thoughts...I am the same guy I've always been. And that makes me feel great! But...and that's a big but...I feel guilty about leaving her. Differently from some stories I read here, she had no idea I was gay when she said yes to go out with me, then marrying me and having a kid. I've always been very masculine (still am) so she had no clue. But I was questioning my sexuality back then. I wasn't sure of what I was...I thought marriage would "heal me". So I feel guilty for not telling her I deep down struggled with my sexuality. I also feel super guilty because I feel I tricked her into a trap. I made her love me... She fell in love because I was always the best I could to her. Always very passionate, romantic, tender, saying nice things...and now she says I'm basically an iceberg. I'm withdrawn and she misses me. She told me that everytime she looks at me she thinks "please, come back to me!". It kills me...it kills me to know that I can't be what she wants or deserves. And I caused that, even though I know I never did anything to fool her. I truly loved her! So I feel guilty of not loving her anymore. I mean... God, what happened? How come this love just vanished? This is something very hard for me to accept. So hard that I'm now questioning if I'm really capable of loving someone or if I'm just a selfish bastard. I also feel terribly guilty of wanting something else. I'm not gonna lie, I fooled around. For a very brief period, but I did. I had to know what I was, for real. Now I know. And all I long is for having something meaningful with another man. But it hurts me wanting that. It's not for homophobia, shame...none of those things. It hurts me because I promised her that I'd love her forever, we'd grow old together...and I meant all those things! How come "suddenly" they're not true anymore? What about those broken promises? How can I hurt someone I promised to love and take care of? I'm so guilt-ridden that even coming here makes me feel guilty. She asked me to try to suppress my homosexuality. So no gay porn, no talking to anyone, no coming out to no more friends...only prayer and counselling to try to overcome being gay and saving our marriage (according to her, not really being healed, but finding a way to detour from my homosexual tendencies and urges). Honestly I know none of that will work. But only do that because I feel I own her. I have to try, I'm the one who fooled her. I'm the one who's about to break all the promises I made. I'm the one who conquered her heart only to shatter it some years later. I feel I own her big time. All of that makes me feel like I'm just a selfish, nasty and hypocrite son of a bitch. I feel I have no value. I'm worthless, a pig and I deserve nothing but anger. So...what can I do, besides therapy, to get over this overwhelming feeling? As you can imagine, I feel like I'm the most miserable man alive.
Reading this story, sound exactly the way I feel. I'm gay and very proud of that fact; however, I know I should be getting divorced for the sake of her and myself but can't find the courage to do so. Good luck!
@JToivonen I'm not sure there is a simple answer in how to get over the guilt. I know that even though my wife accepts my sexuality and we plan to remain married, I still feel guilty for not having come out to her sooner. In my case, I believe hiding my sexuality from her hurt our ability to grow together during some changes in our lives. And, it is a lot of work to regain our relationship foothold right now. And, that's on me. The only thing that I can say is that staying with your wife would not be good for either of you in the long run. You will grow to resent her and she may well blame everything on your sexuality. It can become very toxic. I have seen this in a number of guys I have met in the last few years. They will decide to stay together and it just prolongs the pain. Sometimes you just have to get on with your life. It seems selfish but it may be the best thing for your wife too. Even though you, intellectually, may be accepting of your sexuality, there may be some residual shame here too. Sometimes that hides deep below the surface.
Definition of guilt: a feeling of having done wrong or failed in an obligation. The guilt you feel is correct and proper. You did wrong and failed in your obligations to your wife. This isn't improper guilt, it is in fact righteous guilt. However, just because you feel guilty for having done wrong doesn't mean you are then obligated to stay in this place of guilt forever, or that you cannot move on with your life. Yes, you feel guilty, but don't let that stop you from doing what is right and necessary for the future. Stop trying to not feel guilty. These guilty feelings won't last forever, and no one should be made to suffer permanent consequences. Forgive yourself for what you have done, whether she ultimately forgives you or not, and begin moving on with your life. The real problem here isn't that you feel guilty - it's that you are allowing those guilty feelings to trap you in this place. You have the right to move on with your life, guilty or not.
@JToivonen, I'm so sorry and I feel for you. Does your wife like or accept LGBT people? Does she accept you as a Gay man? I was in the same situation when we got married. I was hoping that getting married would "cure" me of liking guys. First year was great since we connected on a physical and sexual level. But once we had our daughter, I fell back to my sexual addiction and looking at gay porn. Now, being in therapy, I don't feel the guilt or shame like I used to. But it took a very long time for me to accept I am GAY. It's bad to say this, but I stay married to be present in my family on a daily basis. I want to be there daily for my son and daughter, helping them into adulthood. My wife and I connect on a emotional and intellectual level. There is no sex now since I came out back in the spring 2017. What connections do you have with your wife today? Laughter? Adventures? Family? Hang in there, FooFight54
In spite of your guilt it looks to me that you know in your heart what is right for your future and that of your wife and child. I would suggest following your true heart and move forward to living HAPPILY as a gay man. I think the guilt your feeling will subside when you are truly free and are able to live the life that is right for you. I wish you peace and happiness always.
You have to follow you heart and do what makes you happy. By you leaving your wife, it will open the door for her to find a man that truly loves her. I was in your position and felt guilty alot. More fore leaving my children. But I'm an even better dad now I've left. The guilt will ease with time and you will both move forward. I'm now friends with my ex wife after a hostile 12 months. But I plan to divorce her, lodging it in January.
How will you feel at the end of your life if you have not lived it authentically? If you have not fully experienced your humanity because you would never allow yourself to do so? Did we ask to be this way? Sh#t no! So there has to be a reason we were made this way. It takes courage to change, and belief in yourself and that you deserve to live as satisfying a life as anyone else.
We didn't ask to be born gay. But if we embrace it, life can be good. For me personally to be with a guy is completely natural. Though I haven't found a soul mate yet, a few frogs lol. Living authentically is the only way. It takes a long time, but eventually we become totally comfortable with who we are. Perhaps I wouldn't chose to be gay. But I 100 percent embrace it now.
I feel that way too JT. I want out but the guilt is there. I feel like I have screwed up her opportunities to find a better mate. But I also feel like if I stay I'm making it worse for both of us. It's time to plan an escape from the dysfunction. I'm making plans and letting her know. I'm catching a lot of flack because I'm being truthful but I believe it will be best in the end. Good luck JT, it's only temporary. You'll get through this.
This is so true. Do you never want to feel the wonderful connection to another man. Do you not want at some point to enjoy coming home to the man you love. To share the day, a cocktail and intimate moments. This what is sacrificed if you don’t act. We don’t have infinite time on the planet and to not be happy and authentic ( the real you-whatever that is) frankly is so so sad.
Today's society tends to push the message that bad feelings are something to be pushed away in favor of what makes you feel better. I don't totally buy that. Sadness serves the purpose of making you appreciate the happiness in your life; fear is sometimes the only safety net that keeps people away from foolish or risky behavior; and guilt is sometimes a way to make you stop, re-assess a situation, and try to find an approach that is better or fairer for all concerned. I definitely felt guilty coming out to my wife. I had been in a certain amount of denial about being gay, but realistically, I knew that my feelings for her were unique and possibly unsustainable when we married. But I valued what we did have, and ultimately decided that since I had already stayed in the closet for 50 years and we had been married for almost 20, I could allow her more time to process the news and also allow myself the time to work through all the emotions. I felt that I owed it to us both to allow things to settle enough that we both could act as rationally as possible. Do you know what happened? Certain realities became more and more obvious, and because I allowed myself to work through the guilt at my own pace, things actually were resolved much more quickly in the long run, and I was able to find peace in my decisions faster than I ever expected. I came to realize that I wasn't the only one living a fantasy, and that our commitment to each other meant that we both had responsibilities to make things work. Very little of what came after was planned or expected, other than that I wanted to be honest about myself while maintaining some kind of the friendship that our relationship started out with. I have a partner whom I love and an ex-wife who has come to accept the change in our status while maintaining a friendship. No, she has not magically become responsible and there are bad choices she continues to make that will have a negative effect on her life. They are choices I would have protected her from if we had stayed married, but gay or straight, and in the beginning i felt guilty about that as well, like I had bailed on being her protector. But time allows you to work through those feelings. Wallowing in guilt isn't healthy. But using your bad feelings to assess and prioritize and look for a positive outcome is worth it in the long run.
At last I came to understand that a week ago. I understood that, simultaneously, I want to get rid of my guilt at any costs and being stuck in it (since by being stuck I wouldn't have to make such a tough call as separating). But then I realised exactly what you said: guilt serves the purpose of acknowledging what we made wrong and trying to fix it. So that's what I want to do. And I guess I started that already. Even though it's being super painful to leave my wife, that's the correct thing to do. For both of us. I was falling deeper and deeper into depression and I was dragging her with me. She still loves me very much, but I have to let her go, find a man who can offer her what I can't and be happy. It takes courage, but I have to be this brave if I want to do the right thing. And things, although still sad, have taken a better turn than I'd expect. She's sad, but we're both in peace. We decided we're Goin to live this last month under the same roof and we're gonna live as happily as we can, so we all can build loving memories. She started to make plans for her future, which is good since she'll have to take care of herself. And we both want to be good friends and count on each other. So even though separating is still a painful process at least now I feel we may have a lighter future ahead of us. Thank you all who helped me here on this thread and on EC in general!
