I'm writing this from my phone, so please excuse my spelling and grammar. I'm in my early 40s, married to a women for the past 13 years, have a small herd of minions. What I imagine the lay person would consider average American family. I want to define myself, not because I think I'm special or unique but because I was so certain for 30+ years I was hetero. Maybe I wobble a bit. But attraction to males just didn't occur. I don't remember ever being conflicted or ashamed because of an attraction to a guy, because I don't think I was ever attracted. I could identify that a guy was attractive, or had traits others might find attractive, but no feelings like I do when I saw a girl I was attracted to. Guys were icky, smelly, hairy... I could barely stand myself (attempted joke). I could detail my sexual history and sit on a couch for the next decade discussing possible sexual abuse, manipulation and repressed emotions. I'm sure all those exist in my life. I think I've come to terms with those things and I'm sure they contribute something to me being me now. The wife and I have a great sex life. Her low libido from health issues is in conflict with my much higher libido and we have dry spells. I used to pout and get crabby (read as acted like a big baby and a but head or worse). But managed to find equilibrium... When the tantrums didn't work I surrendered and tried expressing my emotions and thoughts logically and carefully, hoping for the same in return, which worked by the way. This opened the door to some pretty kinky experimentation, fulfilling her fantasies and mine in many cases. At the very least we tried stuff and probably looked quite silly doing things. Because of who she is, and our shared experiences I learned to trust her completely, which opened up many more doors and topics for play and discussion. She is the most chill, accepting, understanding and selfless person i know. From pegging to gender reversal stuff with various degrees of added attire or high heels to fantasy talk involving males, females, crossdressed guys, to trans women as thirds or couples in various orientations. This all felt organic and just seemed like honest talk and play... Nothing more. Side story:. My personal experience with expressly gay men is rocky at best. I'm 3 for 3 with gay supervisors or coworkers where work interaction always had friction at best or outright loathing at worst. Was it because they were gay you might ask? My wife says yes. I say it's because many interactions just seemed duplicitous, lots of catty comments, saying anything often resulted in "what's that supposed to mean?" As if every other word had some anti-gay meaning. Every conflict seemed to occur because they were gay, not because we had something legitimate to discuss and a debate ensued or an idea was not received well. It grated on my nerves and I would just quit trying to walk on egg shells or just outright say something sideways to hasten the coming of the inevitable argument. Some will say that I'm a douchebag, yes that's true. But I still hold the above as "my truth" The antithesis of the above is the lesbian women I've worked with was often the easiest and best interactions overall. Easy to talk to, share ideas, collaborate etc. I don't have many friends, and of them I don't know any as being gay, at least they haven't told me. That's my rather limited experience. Am I homophobic? Probably... But I think it's founded in lack of good experiences and familiarity. In my heart I don't hate, but I'll admit I've said or thought some pretty vile stuff when I'm angry and reflecting after the fact when discussing things with my wife. Anyhow, I've gotten wordy, back to my point... My father died recently after a long battle with cancer. The family dog was put to sleep for the same reason a few weeks ago. It was pretty dark... But the wife and I had been really connecting and firing on all cylinders. We were celebrating our success as a couple in spite of sadness, grief, hardship and loss. A discussion about a Halloween party we were going to came up and her circle of friends is full of Ls, Gs, B's and maybe a T and definitely a few Qs. So we were discussing flirty stuff with each other in jest about the various characters (and the ex boyfriend of hers that might be at the party)... All in good PG13 fun... I end up asking her if she thinks I'm Bi. We've used my as fuesexual it interests as fuel the same as vanilla dirty talk or some use porn as build up before sex. I kinda liked her willingness to break routine. I definitely didn't have an agenda and I never thought much about it's validity or actuality. She says "yes, because of what we talk about, what gets you turned on, and your issues with the gay men you have worked with." I was literally shocked. After years of this type stuff her actually thinking I might just be bisexual was a surprise to me. I never bothered with acceptance of self. I like what I like. Do I think I'm bisexual? It kinda looks like I'm at least a kinky straight guy that's less concerned about genitals and more concerned about having fun.. But her saying I was bi really surprised me. I am attracted to women. I think I've even got a lot of respect and desire for trans women. Sexy is sexy... I can't begin to explain their motivations... But feminine with male genitals is irrelevant to me. I like what I like. I even think through discussion with my wife, i kinda like the very feminine guys to look at, maybe more. I get a little shy when they come up. Masculine guys don't do much for me... Yep, he's a guy... Next. I can't comment on forming relationships with men or trans women because I've been monogamous for the last 14 years. I don't have an itch to scratch, I'm just a perpetual hornball guy. I'm not after an open relationship or think I'm missing something, but I like new experiences and I'm not very vanilla sexually. Your input would be appreciated. I love self discovery but sometimes it takes a nudge from the outside. My inner circle is obviously skewed in my favor. So I respectfully welcome any replies. I know I might have been insensitive with some of my wording, no malice was intended.
Hi, and welcome to EC. Reading over your post, I'm not sure what, exactly, you are asking. If you're asking if I agree with what your wife has said about the difficulty with supervisors being because they're gay, my guess is she's probably right. There's probalby some sort of unconscious homophobia that's fueling interactions there, which could well be because some part of you is suppressing attraction to other men. So... if you're trying to figure out whether you're attracted to guys, start with masturbation patterns without porn. What happens when you fantasize about guys? Then, compare that with fantasies about women (or your wife). See what sort of feelings/arousal each bring up. And if you want to clarify what sort of info you're seeking, it will make it easier to answer effectively.
It was a massive wall of text. I know I like lots of stuff sexually. Women, feminine guys, trans women I'm sure there is more. Is it just me being a less concerned about genitals straight guy or a bi guy making conditions to not deal with the difficulty of bisexuality?
There is literally no way we can know the answer to your question, as none of us know you, your wife, or your life. Please re-read Chip's advice. I believe that your masturbatory fantasies can be highly instructive on what arouses you sexually. But don't use porn, only your imagination. This may take some time to see the patterns of what stimulates you the most. Simply put, a straight guy is going to have much more difficulty in fantasizing to orgasm about another guy.
It sounds like you and your wife have a satisfying sex life and you're not very vanilla, as you say. That seems like a good label to me. It think it's impressive that you seem so to know yourself well and feel comfortable about your tastes. I'm not sure why the label matters, in any event.
The label doesn't matter. 100 different Google searches give me more porn results than sites with information I'm seeking. Queer, bisexual, pan sexual and a dozen more terms that all seem loosely related but still different and some how broad in scope. It's complex. I've never had a problem accepting who I was until someone else made made the statement "Your bisexual". I'm not headed for a breakdown or in crisis... I'm just trying to find the path that leads to the best definition for me so I can process and digest it, accept it and be satisfied. There isn't a closet to come out of. The person that matters most knows me and supports me, no secrets. Everyone else doesn't factor in. But I'd still like to learn about me. if nothing else I can learn a little more about others along the way,. People with a real crisis of self identity and the trauma that coming out seems to be prevalent. It can't be as simple as "Jack off, if you think of dudes to orgasm, there's your answer". Or "you seem happy and content, why ask any questions at all?". But I also don't think their is an epiphany hidden somewhere. Somewhere in between those maybe.
Except that it really is that simple. Try it before you dismiss the idea. I don't believe any truly straight man is able to successfully masturbate to fantasies of sex with other men. Most would reject the concept out of hand, and those that were willing to try just won't succeed. It is important that porn not be involved. Straight men will be repulsed by the attempt to fantasize about other men, and those who are turned on by the thought are not straight, whether gay or bisexual.
If that's the case and it really is that simple then for all practical and reasonable conclusions I'm bi. Ok, great. No inner turmoil, no self loathing or disgust. I love me no matter what I am. My wife has thought this for a while and just hasn't told me directly. Which is slightly embarrassing because I haven't seen it, or I just didn't see anything worth being concerned about. I look forward to learning more. You're great btw, I love open dialog.
I'm really glad that you don't have inner turmoil, self-loathing or disgust about the idea that you might not be straight. That's wonderful, and speaks well of your wife, family, friends and social circle. I wish we all could have such an open mind! Take care.
Just my wife. No one else knows about this. And frankly, it's not something I feel compelled to divulge. If anyone else found out or suspected that I very well might be queer or bi or something else, it is not my job to validate, confirm, explain or hide from. I'm not old, but I'm too old to give a damn about what the peanut gallery thinks. I did come across a bunch of posts on Reddit and elsewhere and see that lots of folks are really suffering with guilt, shame, fear etc and I feel fortunate I don't feel that way. Having support is paramount to dealing with the transition in thinking and feeling.
