Question to the ones who were once married:

being your self is important and no one has the right to tell you what to do or how to do it. And how to be happy.

I am happy I am divorced twice and I do not talk to the first two wives. I am being me. I say you can be happy and also find what you need for happiness.

I have a wife I have friends I have family I am happy.

 

As somebody who is on the other side, my experience has been that I'm a MUCH happier and more authentic person today than I was when I was in a mixed orientation marriage.

I know that you might be tormented about taking the leap, and your wife is injecting a dose of FUD (fear uncertainty & doubt) which makes it worse. Saying that you are going to destroy your family is pessimistic. While it's true that there would be changes to how the family is structured if you were to separate, that by itself does not guarantee its destruction.

It's important that you try to advocate for yourself to balance the guilt bomb. Do you think that it's healthy for you to continue in a marriage that doesn't align with your authentic self? What are some of the costs you pay for living a lie? It takes a lot of mental energy to erect the walls that keep one in the closet.

Ultimately you are responsible for your happiness.

 

1000% happy I came out. I know we didn’t have kids but my ex was a huge part of my family and our lives. Nearly my entire family used the... your blowing up the family thing. If me being me is a problem, the problem isn’t me it’s a them. It took a while to adjust to it but no regrets!

 

Likewise 1001% happy I came out. I am not in contact with My ex-wife and ex-girl friend and frankly don’t care. My daughter was fine with news and the rest of the family polite but at arms length. However again it’s their issue not mine. I am a gay man and if you can’t handle it I am sorry but I don’t care. I am living the life I choose finally after half a lifetime. Gay, happy, contented and proud.

 

I'm particularly bothered by this idea that coming out and separating/divorcing equals "destroying the family" or "tearing the family apart." That's not reality, it's simply the fear talking.

As for me, I have no regrets about choosing my path of being authentic and living the life I should have already been living. I didn't destroy anything. I still have a great relationship with my kids (even better now actually because I am a happier person and therefore a better dad), and I still maintain a good relationship with their mom. I suppose the only relationships I've "destroyed" were my relationships with my in-laws as they don't want anything to do with me.

Try not to "catastrophize" everything in your life - and don't let her do it either. There is a way forward for everyone, it just takes time and patience.

 

Perhaps it's your wife's way of keeping you in the marriage. By staying you sacrice your happiness and that's not being selfish. You have a wright to happiness.
I left my wife and three children, 12 months ago. I'm not gonna lie it was difficult. But 12 months on, I'm enjoying life, living authentic, openly gay. I have a much better relationship with my children. See them a few times a week, they stay over, no problem.

 

Wasn’t easy and still have regrets but not about coming out — more that I wish I had sooner. I think my soon to be ex wife, kids, family & friends agree.my partner is glad it worked out the way it has though. He and I would not have met with any other timing.

 

I echo the sentiment that my only regret is not coming out sooner. I envy the young people today who have the courage to come out in their teens. They are saving themselves years of frustration and pain by being authentic early in life.

 

I've replied to your wall post JToivonen, but if you approach this with the focus that you are not destroying your family, etc, but being your authentic self and to do that you need to move on. Her behaviour is a reaction - my ex-wife was very similar, but I clung to the fact that I had made the decision and couldn't go back. It would've destroyed me mentally to have lived in denial having finally accepted and acknowledged I was gay. So I made plans to leave, but gave commitments that I'd still be there to support with the children, pay enough money to keep them secure and safe and have no massive reduction in their living, and so on. I've remained true to all of those commitments, six years later.

It is very difficult - be authentic, live in integrity, treat her respectfully in the aftermath and show that you truly care about her and her wellbeing BUT that on this occasion you have to put yourself first. To do anything else means you living and keeping the real, authentic you hidden. Most people would find that manifests itself in self-loathing, mental health issues further down the line and, good grief, such an unhappy life.

My question to myself was: can I willingly sacrifice my own future happiness, the opportunity in the future to have a relationship with a man, something I have come to realise will make me truly happy and fulfilled - can I sacrifice this for my wife, knowing that the impact of doing that could be catastrophic for me? It was something I couldn't do to myself. Not having spent 40 years of my life being in wilful denial.

 

It's so much easier for them, my daughter is questioning her sexuality at age 14. I'm really proud of her to be ok to be different.

 

This is so wonderful to be that aware at 14. It will save her years of confusion and questioning if she can identify her sexuality early on. Lesbian, bi , straight or anything else she will have openly explored what is the truth for her. Wishing her nothing but the best in her adventure.

 

A couple of comments:

I regret that my marriage did not work out mainly because I think getting a divorce was definitely not good for my daughter and because life as a gay man is more limiting and lonely than life as a straight man. On the other hand, I'm glad to be divorced because my wife and I had a lot of disagreements and it was a very unhappy situation, and I have enjoyed having sex with other men despite the difficulty in finding a good relationship with one. I think for most men there are probably mixed feelings like mine, even when they emphasize how they are now living authentically. So it's a difficult decision. From reading your posts, I think you know that there will be positives and negatives if you get divorced and you are in a dilemma. My main advice to you would be to try to think realistically about what your life would look like if you got divorced rather than expecting your wife to guide you.