My partner and I have been having sex for quite a while now, to varying degrees of success. He is currently at the very beginning of transitioning (FTM), and hasn't had any form of surgery or hormone treatment as of yet, although we're hoping to get him on T sometime in the next year or so. He has pretty intense dysphoria regarding any and all things to do with his female features, but still has a very active sex drive, which we try to utilize as often as possible. Unfortunately, that's not very often, as most of the time his dysphoria starts to act up, and the mood is gone, although he is still totally down for pretty much everything regarding my body. His sex drive is noticeably more consistent when he's wearing a binder and packing shorts, but the problem there is there's no room for any real pleasure on his end, and that honestly makes me feel pretty bad. Are there any methods that anyone knows of that can help make it possible to have more success with straight up, so-called "normal" sexual activities? He's quite upset about not being able to maintain sex drive most of the time, and really wants to find a way to make it work. We generally work on a pretty even "tit-for-tat" basis, and both of us feel like it's unfair if the other doesn't manage to reach orgasm. I recently came across a drink called cloud 9 at a sex shop that claims to work as an aphrodisiac, and I was wondering if maybe aphrodisiacs would help with the issue, as it seems to be kind of a mental battle between arousal and dysphoria for him. If anyone has any experience or advice here, it would be highly appreciated. P.S. I got explicit permission before posting this, he wants to figure this out probably even more than I do, but wanted me to post about it.
I'd advise you to post this in the Gender Identity and Expression section of the site. You're more likely to get good advice there than the cis-gendered ones of us who have no clue about dysphoria I hope you can find a happy middle ground and that your sex life improves. All the best!
I can relate to this. When me and my ex tried having sex, my dysphoria would go crazy because she would act like a man while she did all the work, and it felt right, but my biology wouldn't let me enjoy the experience. Often times we stopped because it would get so bad to the point where arousal became a sudden severe explosion of depressive symptoms, and I couldn't keep going. I feel like if she just said something to me that she felt would lower my dysphoria, I could have kept going. If your boyfriend needs to stop, then stop, reassure him that you love him, you don't feel any differently about him, that things will get better when he starts taking T, and make sure he knows that he's not "weird" or "crazy." This is important, because he will never feel comfortable enough to receive treatment if he feels like there's something wrong with him, that he's crazy, or if it's his fault he feels this way.
Also make sure you're patient with him. Give him however much time he needs. I'm only on my 9th month of taking E, and although my body is starting to feminize, and more people see me as female, my dysphoria has still had its ups and downs, where I feel fine sometimes, but other times, I am too ashamed to show my face because I feel like I am too masculine.
I'm no expert, but replace the word sex with intimacy. The human body has 1000s non-sexual or reproductive parts... So why not focus on those -- intimately. Giving someone goosebumps from sensual touching, caresses when the mood is "sex" (as opposed to generalized affection giving). Make it a point to stay away from parts of the body that are the source of the trouble. But don't be obvious. No need to put out road cones and caution tape. If you love the whole person then love on the whole person. You obviously don't mind the body parts, they do. I know it's simplistic, but you can endear yourself to them and maybe you get yourself off while they experience the sensations you give him. Just let him go at his own pace. And hopefully... You look sexy as hell to them while doing it and they feel no pressure to participate anymore than they are comfortable with. Maybe even strengthen the trust they already have given you. Maybe I'm just a romantic schlub, but it seems like a good time in my opinion.
We have several signs in our bathroom that mimic old advertisements but have pithy one liners of encouragement and wisdom. One sticks with me when I'm feeling defeated or hohum. "Magic only exists in the moment". I truly believe you can import someone's life in a positive way by bring brutally honest with your intentions and for that moment make them feel amazing. With words, or more, but ultimately it's just a manifestation of love and affection. If you can get them to let their guard down just a bit, and you find that thing that helps them enjoy that moment.... Magic. Good luck and be patient.
Maybe look into kink. Doesn't have to be anything extreme just things like blindfolds and toys that can feel good on different parts of the body. To take the focus off problematic arias.
