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Girlfriend has completely lost her sex drive

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by tay98, Oct 20, 2019.

  1. tay98

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    My girlfriend and I have been together for 2 years now. We were always both very sexual and had sex almost every time we saw each other. It worked so well because we both always had such a high sex drive. But about a year ago my gf started taking antidepressants and it has completely killed her sex drive. We maybe have sex once a month, if that, and even then it's nothing compared to what it used to be and it's only because I ask nd I can tell she just does it cos she feels bad. It's like she wants to just get it over with.

    After a year of barely any sex i'm really struggling. She says she doesn't feel horny anymore like she used to so that's why she doesn't want it. But then she'll occasionally masturbate instead. It's making me feel really bad about myself. I just don't feel as attractive anymore because of her constant rejection. We don't even make out anymore.

    I've brought it up with her about 3 times over the past year and suggested she try speaking to her doctor or try a different medication (i would never ask her to get off it because it has made her a lot happier), but she just keeps putting it off even though she says she will. And she makes me feel like the bad guy for wanting sex and says I put too much importance on it. I don't understand why she's changed so much because she used to be exactly like me and even wanted sex more than me in the past.

    I know sex isn't everything, but it's really important to me. I've stopped trying to initiate but this has just led to no sex at all. Idk what to do. I would be happy with even just twice a month but I can't bring up this issue any more because she gets really defensive. Our relationship is great in all other aspects so i don't want to break up with her, but it's making me really unhappy. I feel really lost
     
  2. LostInDaydreams

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    Do you think she feels awkward about raising the issue with her GP? Is there anything you could do to help, like go with her, even if you sit in the waiting room? And from the conversations you’ve had, does she agree it’s down to the medication or could it be something else?

    From what you’ve said, it does appear to be linked to her medication and, again from what you’ve said, it doesn’t look like that will change. I can understand why it’s frustrating for you, and I can imagine that girlfriend has negative feelings around not being able to give you what you want...do you think she gets defensive because she thinks a conversation will lead to the end of your relationship?

    I don’t think there’s a magic solution to this. Perhaps try talking again...don’t place blame, try to explain how it’s making you feel. If it doesn’t work, you might need to start thinking about what’s most important to you as the longer it goes on, the more likely you are to grow resentment towards each other.
     
  3. Benway

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    Antidepressants are tricky. While when I was on them they didn't diminish my sex drive, they definitely made it more difficult to achieve orgasm. But I don't think asking her to get off them or try a different medication is a good idea. Antidepressant withdrawal is a hell unlike almost any other I've ever gone through. I had to be weaned off of a powerful antidepressant called Effexor, and it was no simple task. I threw up a lot, felt like I was losing my mind and to counterbalance the negative effects I drank copious amounts of alcohol which just made my condition worse. Seriously, I was mixing three shots of vodka into cup after cup of fortified wine because I just wanted to be in another dimension. It was bad. I think that if you love her, you just have to face that sex isn't something you can do as much right now, especially if the medication is making her happier.
     
    #3 Benway, Oct 20, 2019
    Last edited: Oct 20, 2019
  4. tay98

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    She probably does feel awkward talking to her GP about it. I might suggest going with her. Yes, she keeps saying it's the medication that's causing it
     
  5. DangerAlex

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    Wow. Your situation hits really close to home for me.

    About a year into my relationship with my boyfriend, I started taking new meds, and my sex drive tanked. We went from having sex at least once every time we saw each other to having sex just once a week, then to once a month. And we were even living together by that point, so it wasn't because there weren't opportunities. At the longest point, it was over 60 days. And he raised many of the same concerns that you have: It made him feel unattractive, and also frustrated because his needs weren't being met. And I said exactly what your girlfriend said: When did our relationship become all about sex?

    Initially, I was of the view that I couldn't help my low libido and the situation was what it was. But you can't expect someone who enters a relationship in which sex is frequent and passionate to be okay when the sex because nearly nonexistent. It's not fair to that person, and it took my boyfriend cheating on me to really realize that. And to realize that if I didn't do something to try to meet him halfway, I was going to lose him.

    We've worked hard on getting to a place where we're both happy and comfortable with things. I recognized that I needed to be more attention to his needs, which requires some effort on my part. But I realized that even though I may not be "in the mood," I can usually get into things once he helps me get warmed up, so to speak. Right now, we average at about once per week, and our relationship is nearly as great not as it was during that first year. We're even looking into started a business together, which is something that wouldn't have been on the table when he was sexually frustrated and becoming more distant.

    So the first thing I want to say is this: Your relationship isn't a lost cause. There's a way through this for both of you. It may or may not be how I managed to get my relationship back on track, but it's doable. It just depends on how much you both want it.

    In any case, it's not going to work if your girlfriend isn't willing to try to meet you halfway. As much as she gets defensive about the situation, I think you need to have another conversation, but this time, ask her to put herself in your position. Tell her to try to imagine a situation where you're going from sex being a frequent expression of your emotional connection to sex being basically taken off the table, and how she would probably feel bad about herself in that situation. If she understands what this situation is like for you, she will probably be more motivated to try to accommodate your needs. But if she's not willing to make the effort, well... that might be something to think about.

    As for the her masturbating, I can understand why that would be upsetting for you, but let me try to explain. Masturbating and actual sex with another person are two different situations. Most people aren't going to light candles, break out the satin sheets, and make a night of masturbating. It's a means to an end. Most masturbation sessions are about getting in and getting out, so to speak, as quickly as possible. You're trying to release sexual energy quickly and efficiently. For someone with a low libido -- meaning you may still get physical urges even if you're not psychologically into it -- masturbation allows you to essentially "get it over with" in a way that you can't really do with sex. I'm sure if your girlfriend came to you and said, "Hey, I'm horny. Help me get off, but we gotta make this quick because I have better things to do," that would probably be worse than not having sex at all because you'd basically be a human vibrator.

    You might look at it like this: Masturbation is about business, and sex is about pleasure. Someone with a low libido isn't going to be very interested in the latter. For this reason, the masturbation actually makes sense as it's about beating down those unavoidable physical urges when your mind just isn't into it.

    Hopefully this helps. Like I said, I really sympathize with your situation, but I don't think you should lose all hope just yet. I think you need to have a discussion where there's no frustration or resentment; try to understand where she's coming from, and try to help her understand your situation. If it doesn't seem to be sinking in, you might mention how you're having this discussion because you want to compromise and work through this instead of just writing her off and moving on to someone else. It's frustrating because of your love for her, not just because you're horny.
     
    Ruby Dragon likes this.