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Getting to know a younger guy...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Out and In, Oct 20, 2019.

  1. Out and In

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    For those who know my situation I am married and gay. No children. I am still with my wife but sleep in separate beds with no sex life. I love my wife dearly and I am not sure if I want to do with my new predicament.
    Long story short... I have met a guy on-line who is 20 years younger than me and in the short time we have known each other we realise we have so much in common. Even though we haven’t met we have exchanged photos with each other and chat a lot on the phone while my wife is not around. We appear to be sexually compatible which is a big factor but not the only factor. We laugh with each other and smile on the phone and miss talking to each other.
    It is getting to the stage where I really want to meet him which we have talked about and I know that it is very likely we will have sex with each other as we have talked a lot about that too.
    The thing I am worried about is should I be faithful to my wife which I have been up to this stage (physically speaking), while emotionally I have been unfaithful to her.
    Will I experience a lot of guilt and will meeting my gay friend be the catalyst for me to leave my wife to live an authentic gay life? I would appreciate any thoughts my EC friends may have
     
  2. Chip

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    You absolutely owe it to your wife to tell her what's going on. Imagine your roles are reversed for a moment, you're married to someone you deeply love and care about... how would you feel if you were left out of the loop about something so important going on for your partner?

    As hard as it is, I would suggest that keeping yourself in integrity is probably a value you hold, otherwise you wouldn't be asking the question here. ANd these sorts of conversations are never easy... but are very necessary.

    Also, not to be a Debbie Downer, but please at least consider the idea that if this is the first guy you're feeling a connection to, what you may be experiencing may simply be the infatuation of connecting with someone where you feel a real spark, perhaps for the first time in your life... and it can be very easy for that infatuation to blind you to whatever shortcomings may exist. While a 20 year age gap isn't completely insurmountable, it is likely to have a lot of inherent problems, especially if the younger person is 30 or younger. It is highly likely that it won't be emotionally healthy for either of you. This doesn't mean you shouldn't continue to talk to him and explore, but recognize that there's a real potential for one or both of you to end up hurt, and/or to be in a situation where there are really imbalanced power dynamics.

    But as far as your wife... please don't consider doing anything without first discussing the situation with her. I'd hope that you'd want her to do the same if your roles were reversed, and so she deserves the same from you.
     
    #2 Chip, Oct 21, 2019
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2019
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  3. Nickw

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    @Out and In

    I would echo what Chip wrote. I tried to make the argument, to myself, that it was OK to have an affair with a man. A lot of reasons I could come up with. But, the bottom line is that I knew my wife would be devastated because I couldn't go to her and let her know of my sexuality. I'm not going to say it was easy coming out to my wife. It wasn't at all. It took me several months of coaching on this forum to build up the nerve. But, I never cheated on her and that respect allowed us to open our marriage.

    It also is not the best situation to put your friend in. Assuming you are, truly, compatible. He may feel responsible for breaking up a marriage. That could feel really awful.

    Best of luck
     
    #3 Nickw, Oct 21, 2019
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2019
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  4. Out and In

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    Thanks Chip and Nick for your advice. I took it and decided to end things with my gay friend after he thought it best as well that I sort out the situation with my wife before making any decisions which I might regret later.
    So as things are right now I continue to sleep in a separate bed and think of gorgeous men constantly. A part of me just wants to fully come out to my wife while another part is desperately clinging onto what life I have left for fear of losing it. Why? I don’t know as I could be so much happier and enjoying the type of intimacy I crave with a man.
     
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  5. Contented

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    As human beings it is our natural tendency to try to hang on to the known and fear the unknown. Especially where sexuality is involved. Our programming from childhood was all directed at compulsory heterosexuality and as some of us come to find out in reality we don't fit that mold. When that happens we fight an internal battle of long standing prejudicial programming that some how same sex attraction is sinful, evil, abnormal, and plain wrong. However we cannot eliminate our same sex attraction and that sets up this conflict within us. While trying to maintain our safe "hetero" existence we yearn to be free to engage in our same sex attraction which at times become over powering. At some point most of reach that breaking point and have to pursue our same sex attraction to exclusion of anything else. The problems occur because other people's lives are involved, people we care for and love ( not in a physical way any longer) can and will be hurt with our revelation. I wish like many that there was some magical incantation, charm or spell that could end all that misery and allow us to embrace our same sex attraction without problems or heartache however that is fantasy. The only way is to be brutally honest and allow both parties to move forward with lives that can satisfy all their emotional and sexual needs. No one said living life honestly is easy, however it is worth it in the end.
     
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  6. Out and In

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    Thankyou so much Contented. Your posts really connect with me as I see how you are fully embracing your gayness and your words always resonate that you are so much happier now in your life. I too hope that one day I can be in the same position as you.
     
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