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depressed- no friends

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by wolfy1, Aug 17, 2019.

  1. wolfy1

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    Not really sure where i felt this post belonged... but im not sure what i am going to gain by writing this either. I know the answers im looking for and have for years... but im depressed at the moment.

    So where to start... Im 25, and have very few friends, and those that i do i feel lack that connection i want. I consider myself gay, and have openly (to my self only) admitted it for years. Im ok with it... truly. But i have not told anyone explicitly that i am gay. there was one point back in 2014, where i really had a coming out moment with myself where i admitted to myself what i had ran from for years. I found myself wanting to tell others, but never did. I found reasons why it dident matter, why this friend does not care about me and by me telling them it would be worthless. here i am 5 years later, still struggling. Even though i have never said those words to another person (that i know of. there has been a few drunk moments where i thought i may have... but no one ever mentioned it later when i sobered up), i have dropped hints to friends and family. i feel like it has never helped.

    I think the reason i am in the depressed state of mind lately is really two things in the past week.
    1. I was out with a friend of mine, and she has been a friend of mine since we were baby's, although we dont see each other much these days. She has a gay uncle (and is very accepting of it), and i have always felt she knew i was gay without me ever saying it. well, we were out drinking and i was having fun and being openly flamboyant, and she said something to the terms of "all of my straight friends act so gay". I was left there needing to laugh along... but it struck me that she really did not know.

    2. I was having meeting with my director at work, and we were talking about how i have recently revamped my wardrobe. he said something to the terms of "do you have a girlfriend? if not you should probably get one". i had joked along saying "yeah i guess i need to get one". I dont know why i said that. I really disapointed myself by saying that, but i have conditioned myself to say anything to not raise suspission. i work for a very pro LGBT company, so its not like i have to worry about being fired for being gay.

    All of this brings me back to why i feel i have no real friends, or at least not authentic relationships the way i would like. I feel that when people ask me about music, or tv shows or interests at all i ball up and give genaric responses. I feel like all of the years from when i was a little boy being told "gay is disgusting" to now, has messed me up and i feel like i always have something to hide and i can not be genuine with people. something as simple as music... i have turned off music in my car and turned on the radio because i was uncomfortable with friends knowing i listen to something.

    I rarely go out to meet new people. I have not had a friend to my apartment in 6-12 months.
    I know the solution to not having something to hide is to say F-it and come out. Im not scared of loosing people, and if i do then F them.

    Its a secret i carry everywhere i go and rarely leaves my mind completely.
    when i think to spill my secret (and often have over the last 5 years especially), i convince myself that it does not even matter. what will there be to gain? why would anyone be interested? are they going to throw a party in my honor? thats how stupid i make it seem... that no one cares, and why should they. even if i did come out, nothing will change in me. I have generated this lifelong since that i have to hide myself from people, and that wont change just because i tell someone im gay.

    I cant even have a relationship, or at least thats how i feel. I sit behind a screen, and if someone acknowledge me i run, and cut communication. If its in person where an attractive guy tried to have a conversation, i run for real. Im such a looser for that. There was a time i tried stepping away from running to stay and talk. A very attractive guy started talking to me about me and my interests. turned out, he was merely trying to sell me something.

    I really dont expect anything from this, but it helps writing this and posting in hopes of a something. Thanks if you read to the end, but im not sure what support anyone can give.
     
    bingostring and BiGemini87 like this.
  2. skittlz

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    You're valid

    I personally found coming out rewarding in some way, regardless of the listener's reaction. I would recommend to just try coming out to a chill friend, and focus on how you feel, not how they react. Maybe you'll always be more on the reserved side, but that doesn't mean you should stop yourself from trying some things.
     
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  3. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

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    Hey! I can see you've been a member here for a long time, so this is obviously something you've been wrestling with for quite a while.

    So some basic questions:

    -- What, other than fear, is keeping you from coming out to folks?
    -- Do you feel that most or all of the people around you will be supportive?
    -- Do you feel that there are options in the area you live in (as in, a number of gay people around)?

    One other piece of information: Very, very often, people know, and often way before you do. So you might actually be surprised. Perhaps they don't want to assume, thus the "All my straight friends act gay" comment might *actually* have been a subtle "tell me you're not straight" opportunity she was putting out there. Same with your director.

    I've known people that have come out by findign the opportunity to use the somewhat clever line "Let's get one thing straight, I'm not." It's just a little bit ambiguous that it's not like saying "I'm G-A-Y". Or, you could get a rainbow wristband or ring or necklace.

    What I'll tell you from personal experience, and I think most everyone else will agree... it's hardest to tell the first person usually. (And parents, if they aren't the first, are usually hard as well.) But it gets MUCH easier once you've done it once or twice. And it sounds like telling someone might be the first step.
     
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  4. bingostring

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    I agree with what the others have said in their replies above.

    You sound so like me when I was 25 and it reminds me of the things I wish I had understood then, but couldn’t quite get my head around at the time.

    But they were very simple: I was suffering a lot from the effects of internalised homophobia. I didn’t really understand the meaning of internalised homophobia at the time or how much or how deeply it had a grip on my life. With hindsight, it was insidious and disabling. “Being gay is wrong” had been implanted at a very deep level from a very young age. Meaning, although I was 30% keen on being true to myself, I was 70% living in fear of people finding out about my awful secret. And that everyone would hate me if ANYONE found out. Every time I dodged the question, or denied that I was gay to someone, a little piece of me died inside. Even leaving home and moving to a big city when I was 26 didn’t help because the wiring in my head was still the same, just the surrounding environment had changed. The hard wired brain was just refusing to untangle itself. The battles inside my head and the stress of this lead to withdrawal, social isolation and a lot of deep dark unhappiness and depression.

    As every person is different, I can’t say what the best thing for you might be, but some things occur to me that I wish someone had said to me when I was 25:
    • Some therapeutic approach, with a gay friendly (or gay) therapist, would be excellent for you. Someone who can map a path forward with you at your speed. And to gain an understanding of why internalised homophobia has had such a grip on you. You will work together to understand and conquer it.
    • Some group activities with other gay people (not in a sexual setting) simply to normalise your feelings about yourself and meet some new friends who happen to be gay, and will support you moving forward. People you can talk with - without censoring yourself
    • Coming out to someone important and trusted, so you see real evidence that they are not going to be disgusted by you, and watch your friendship with them develop to new heights
    • Take up some new group interests (gay or straight) to counter the trend of self-isolation. This can be anything from walking groups, language classes, evening courses. Try to develop better social skills with ordinary people to reverse the current trend of self-imposed isolation
    I could probably list another hundred things, but that is plenty for starters.
     
    #4 bingostring, Oct 28, 2019
    Last edited: Oct 28, 2019
    Thyme Traveler likes this.
  5. TrevinMichael

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    Sending you much love. I know how hard it is trying to be who I was and well I am doing the best I can. I am sure you are too. You are just in a place in your life where things are very hard. As an older person who has lived through much craziness called life, I hope you find a little happiness and some new friendships appear. Until then know you really are not alone.

    TM