Came out to my wife

Congrats on coming out to your wife. I'm in a similar situation as you, married 20 years, but haven't come out to her yet. Once I found this site it really has help meeting others that are going through the same things.

Good luck to both you and your wife I know it can be very difficult.

I'm here if you want to talk.

 

Hello,
I am 54 years old and came out to my wife last year. The marriage was not a happy one, we were never friends, and I'm relieved it's over. A few months ago I found a guy on a dating web site, the same age as me, the same first and middle name as me (weirdly!) who is looking for a reliable partner for his final years. We have a great deal in common and I feel so gifted. It's like the universal kharma is paying me back for the turmoil and anguish I endured for the last 30 years. After putting everybody else first now it is MY turn. I didn't know what would befall me when I took that first step and told her I can't accept the way you treat me anymore -- and I'm leaving! It was the toughest thing I ever did, and the best thing, for my sanity and my self esteem.
-RJ

 

Congratulations on coming out to your wife. I know it can be very difficult and the alcohol abuse doesn't help.

For many of us, the next few months will be a roller coaster of emotions. Remember to take care of yourself in all of this.

Coming out as bisexual was the most difficult thing I have done. but, it was worth it.

 

As difficult as this is, things will get better. I came out last year to my wife after being married for 32 years. It was difficult, with my wife being both hurt and angry at me. It was a difficult time, as my marriage disintegrated and I lost "friends" and had to sell the house. But now I am legally separated (have to wait a whole year to divorce) but own my own home and for the past five months have been a great relationship with an awesome guy.

Persevere my friend. Don't get discouraged. There will be many unpleasant and stressful times, but believe me, things will improve and you will finally be able to live openly as you were meant to.

 

It's about six years or so that I came out to my, now, ex-wife. I have children who, at that time, were quite young. It was the second most horrendous thing I've ever done to someone (the first was later telling my children I was moving out of the family home) as I watched her life disintegrate. She was my best friend and I cared about her deeply and loved her as the mother of my kids and also loved her as a person, but I couldn't resist the feelings I had surging in me and these bubbled over and I told her how I felt about guys.

The next 18 months of so were very difficult, very emotional and very angry (on her part). I stayed true to my word and made sure I protected and looked after the family. They stayed in the family home, I paid more than I needed to by law for my children, and we made decisions in the interest of our kids always. As time has gone on she's come to terms with everything, still hasn't truly forgiven me really, but we can meet for coffee and chat and she turns to me when she has problems with her current boyfriend as the only person she knows actually knows her and how she thinks and reacts. We are both much less dependent on each other than we were after we split up. We clung to each other like we were life-rings in a raging sea whilst swimming to shore. It was really tough, but for me there was an inexorability about it all - we would get to shore and then separate emotionally as well as physically, properly, and build our lives again.

She has a partner now. I have a partner who I will marry next year. He and I plan our lives together, moving home, exploring the world and he is my best friend and soon will be my husband.

Life has a way of working itself out. Be authentic, true to yourself, live by your values and treat her respectfully as much as you can, but keep sight of where you want to be and don't get blown off course. If you truly want to experience the love of a man, the intimacy with a man, the sexual desires you've been keeping in yourself, it's a decision you have to make whether all of those things can be set aside and you remain faithful to your wife. I couldn't. Once I'd acknowledged to myself I was gay and the dreams I'd had of sharing a life with another man and everything that went with that, I couldn't go back. It was as if a light switch had gone off and if I'd tried switching it back on all that would've done was created mental anguish for me and many, many problems in the years ahead.

You can still be friends with her if you decide it's not going to work. You can still make sure that you look after her - not necessarily in an overly-compensatory way financially, but by being that person (like a best friend would be) who is there for support, etc. That kind and level of relationship will take time to develop and create - it'll be very difficult even when you're trying to be reasonable about things.

My experience was that every now and again the resentment towards me would erupt and spill out. I took it, but kept drawing her back to how I'd behaved towards her and the kids - how I'd kept my word, how I was providing for my family even though I didn't live with them, that I was being a good father, that I wanted to be a respectful and good ex-husband, that I still cared and that I would still look after them.

Give it time. She will be shocked, angry that you've kept it from her for so long, question that you never really loved her, that you've never really found her attractive or sexually desired, what else have you lied to her about, and so on. These are all understandable reactions - she'll be questioning her femininity (if you like men, why were you attracted to me, do I look like a man, do I behave like a man, etc.) and she may have real trust issues with you and potentially other people she's trusted and has close relationships with like family or friends.

There's no magic answer. You need to do what you FEEL is right - not what you THINK is right. This is one of those times where there might be a difference. The THINK is great - but the consequences of over-riding the FEEL is that it will eat away inside you and could create a resentment that you decided to stay for her, despite how you feel, and set aside your desire to experience life with a man.

 

Many congratulations, I came out at 42 and it's been 18 months. I am friends with my ex wife, but I'm about to file for divorce after 16 years of marriage, exciting times!

Life goes on and I'm sure you will eventually find a nice guy.

 

Good luck!

 

Congratulations on coming out to your wife!

I came out to mine in September last year. Life's been a roller coaster ever since. Worst part is that she truly believes I'll be able to overcome my homosexuality, since she believes it's a sin and God will heal me of I try hard enough. I told her I want to separate, but she just doesn't accept it.

I hope your path will be less bumpy than mine. Good luck on your journey and rest assured EC is a welcoming family you can always count on!

 

Congratulations!
I am happy for you. I wish I could do like you but I live in Islamic and East cultures when LGBT is negative stereotype still.
Hope one day, the way open for me and I can find my guy.
Please always write here about your progress.

Dede/Indonesia

 

You'll need a counselor, someone to talk to about this stuff that will keep it all confidential and has no connection to anyone in your life.