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Contemplating the death of a partner

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by OGS, Oct 22, 2019.

  1. OGS

    OGS
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    First off let me just say nothing is imminent. In fact neither myself nor my husband are even ill. But we've had several deaths in the family over the last few years and it makes you think. We've done some estate planning. We've decided the best use of the insurance money. We've decided we both want to be cremated and the surviving spouse should keep the ashes for at least a year, although I think both of us are probably actually planning to just keep them until the other one dies.

    I had always thought that if my husband died I would remarry. I had always hoped that my husband would as well if I died. He's never been too keen on the idea so I managed to at least ring the joking promise out of him that he would run off to the south of France and have an inappropriate affair with the pool boy. We were talking the other day about the rings and I asked him what he would do with my ring if I died. He said that he would put it on a chain and wear it as a necklace. I thought that was a cool idea and decided I would do the same. A couple days later it occurred to me that I hadn't asked him what he would do with his ring, so I did. He furrowed his brow a bit and said "well, I'd wear it I suppose." I looked in his eyes and said you really won't remarry will you? "No," he responded, "I really don't think I will. You're my husband and I just don't really feel like death will change that. I guess I can't really know. I would want you to remarry if you want to, I just don't think I would want that for myself. Although I do think after about a year I really would go to the south of France and have a terribly inappropriate affair, because I think you'd like that..." Yeah I would like that...

    The funny thing is as time goes by I'm less and less inclined to think that I would remarry either. I just don't know.

    Does anyone else have these kind of conversations with their partners/spouses? Any thoughts?
     
  2. OnTheHighway

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    Well, this is an odd twist to your question. I saw my ex husband and some of his friends for his birthday a few weeks ago. During the course of the visit he expressed his continued love for me and his desire to want to get back together. I declined to consider getting back together where he thereafter said a few interesting things.

    First, he will not be able to maintain any type of relationship with me as he needs to find closure (the divorce was well over a year ago and we were together for almost five years).

    Second, if either of us have some type of terminal Illness before he or I die he wants to see me one last time.

    And third, if I die he wants to buy one of my watches off of my estate because he always wanted that watch from me (I gave him one of my lesser expensive watches when we divorced as part of the settlement already).

    The first two comments he made were understandable. The last comment was yet another confirmation why I divorced amongst many many many other reasons.
     
    #2 OnTheHighway, Oct 22, 2019
    Last edited: Oct 22, 2019
  3. Contented

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    Yikes comments 2 & 3 seem fairly odd in my opinion. The watch comment truly bizarre.
     
  4. OnTheHighway

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    Bizzare indeed.... and that was the short version of the discussion.
     
  5. bluehorizon

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    My partner and I have discussed the basics—neither wants a funeral; both want cremation with ashes scattered on the lake where we live; each is the other's principal heir for assets and property—but neither of us really want to have discussions in any finer detail, this based mainly on the idea that once we're dead we won't care, and anyhow we each trust that the other will make sound decisions.

    I won't go looking for another partner, but if it happens, that's fine. (There are plenty of practical reasons why older folks might want to live with someone.)
     
  6. Nickw

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    I know friends who discuss the what ifs like this. I think it is pretty common.

    Both my wife and I come from very long lived families. So, the thought that either of us would remarry in our nineties doesn't seem to come up. My wife does tease me by pointing out women (now men too) who would be good matches if "something happened to her". But, I think this is more of a reaffirming question because I always respond with "I'd rather be with you".

    This question did get me thinking to myself though. Being bisexual, I don't think I could ever find another partner who would accept me. So, I probably wouldn't remarry anyway. One thing I have learned about myself is that I am capable of loving different people in different ways. So, the classical definition of marriage and partnership may not fit in any case.