So... I’ve decided to go back on apps, not because I was particularly motivated towards dating (after the breakup with this girl I fell hard for), but because I wanted to make myself a bit less sad by showing myself that other people do exist. But I’ve actually started chatting with someone who seems really nice that I might want to get to know better. what’s the etiquette for apps? How do you go from having a good chat to seeing if someone wants to go out sometime? And how long do you wait into chatting? I have no idea how to do this! we’ve been chatting since yesterday evening pretty steadily. Like talking a lot ha.
I agree that asking the other person for a coffee seems like a good idea. Just remember the basic safety tips: Always meet in a public place, tell a friend about where you are going and, if you feel uncomfortable, don't feel bad for leaving at any time.
So both of you mentioned coffee, is that to make it less like a date and more like a filtering meeting? haha. We live a little distance, easily manageable for a person if I end up catching feels for her, but for a short meet-up not worth travelling to each other, like I’d like our first meet up to be fairly long ish like an evening or afternoon to make travelling worth it.
I like coffee for a few reasons: - It's delicious. - It allows you to talk to the other person, as you won't be blasted by loud music like in a club, nor you will be busy with a game or something. It's just you and him/her, chatting and drinking coffee. - It allows you to leave anytime. It's common in Brazil for people to go to the movies on a first date. I don't like that because it basically forces you to stay with the other person for at least 2 hours, even if you aren't enjoying the date. In addition, there's the social pressure of "I am in a dark room with him/her. Is he/she expecting a kiss?". - Connected to the above, in a coffee shop, you have total control of the time you want to spend with that person. If you aren't enjoying the date, just finish your coffee and tell them you need to go. If you are enjoying the date, you may order another cup, or just sit there. Depending on where you are, you may ask them to take a walk with you (if you are in a safe place) and go to another place together (like if you are inside a Mall). In resume, if you are worried about it being too short, I would suggest going out for a coffee and, if things go well, move the date to another place (like a bookstore or gamestore? Grabbing some ice cream? It depends on what you both enjoy). Just stay safe and enjoy.
Meet at a pub then. Have a pint instead of a coffee and order some food too. Gives you the same options as Chiroptera suggests. And you know how it goes in a pub, if your enjoying the company, the time flies by until you run late for your next engagement
Hey Baristajedi ive been going backwards and forwards about whether to reply ever since I read your post last night. I really dont want it to come across in the wrong way. It's just I'm not really sure based upon what you have said that this is a great idea. I am not sure that going on an app and meeting up with someone just to make you feel less sad. Is this really fair on her? It is a relatively short time since I saw you post about how heartbroken you were about the split from the previous girl. Do you really feel potentially entering a new relationship so soon afterwards is a good idea? I am wondering if perhaps this is a pattern for you, you split with someone, say that you think it will be good for it to just be you and your daughter for a while and then quite quickly seek out new friends/potential date and often seem to fall for someone pretty fast. I am not saying that this is all bad, just that perhaps there is an unresolved reason you feel the need to reach back out for company so quickly after being so deverstated by the previous break up.
I'd tend to agree with silverhalo on this. I've dipped in and out of your journey and your break-ups which have, from the honest way you've described them, sounded like they've hit you badly and really hurt you. You have an indomitable streak in you which bounces back with a positivity and enthusiasm - a bit like when you fall off the bike, you get back on it again and keep trying. From what you've written it sounds important and essential for you to maintain a degree of stability in your life for your daughter, and for you too, and that's never more acute than when you talk about the heartbreak you've sustained. That's admirable and commendable as a parent. As a parent myself my first priority in any new relationship was always to make sure my children didn't get hurt. My experience of apps - a long time ago now - was that the created a sense of never attaining what I was looking for. I encountered dozens of guys who were just out for a hook-up, but professed to never being able to find someone who would give them all the things the were searching for - love, compassion, care, loyalty, respect, etc. The irony was lost on them. The apps also created a sense of eroding my own self-worth too. Dating someone who wasn't really looking for the same things as me created a real sense of disappointment in others. That knocked my own self-esteem. I guess what I'm trying to say is this: You've been burned a few times by partners in the last couple of years. You've been quick to try and heal and stabilise yourself and with that, your daughter's life too. But I think that there's a sense creeping through in your posts that you need to seek out someone else in a romantic or emotional way. I'm not saying you're wrong to do that, I just wonder if falling for someone so soon after being so disappointed will put you in the right frame of mind not to set yourself up to be bitterly disappointed if this doesn't go as you would like.
Hi @silverhalo and @Highlander2 thanks for the thoughtful responses, I didn’t see them until a couple of days ago because I have been so busy! Work and home stuff is keeping me up to my eyeballs in things. I just wanted to get back to this thread because I really appreciate friends (online friends but friends still!) giving me critical insight. I think what you’re both sharing is good advice but I think parts of it don’t fit and I’ll say why. It’s mostly because I don’t think I’ve really articulated myself totally clearly, big picture wise and small detail wise, and also because I’ve got a lot of introspection going on that's kind of particular to things I know I’m trying to do. But I do appreciate what you’ve both said. I just know I’m in a really good place right now. So in terms of my daughter, you guys are all correct that I made a massive mistake getting serious with my first partner and creating that situation for my daughter. But I made a decision when I broke up with that partner one year ago, and that decision has and will remain intact - i decided at that point that I would not involve anyone new in my kid’s life for at least a few years, and that’s still the same plan I’m following. I’m 100% focussed on my kid, regardless of my dating life. If I’ve said something that’s called that into question, it’s a misfiring in whatever I’ve expressed, there’s nothing I want more then to just have me and my daughter doing our own thing and nurturing the relationship we have the three of us as well, me her and her dad. I think i May have said after a break up(s) that I’m happy for the time just me and my daughter. That’s not a reflection of any change, it’s just a reminder of how happy I am that this is my focus. It’s been my focus, it remains my focus, and it will remain that. I’m not saying this in a defensive way, I welcome the caring comments you both are sharing in this vein because I know it’s coming from love. But don’t worry, nothing’s going to interrupt that plan to be slow and cautious with any partners that come or come and go, for her sake, I got carried away and made choices that felt rational but weren’t with my first lesbian relationship, but I’ve learned from it! As for the rest, few things - I’m not in any rush to meet someone new. I went on the app just to look at profiles and get myself back in the track of thinking that this person I dated isn’t really the best or only person for me. But I have to be honest, I don’t care if I date or don’t date for a while right now. I just happened to get into a good thread of messages with someone who seems nice. I’m really happy with my process in meeting people, saying etc, *except* for the one thing - I regret being with the person I lived in with from the moment of moving in with her until the break up. Other than that, every experience is exactly what it should be. I love life on my own (or on this period of my life, on my own with my daughter and my coparent, her dad). I love it, I don’t really care if it comes across poorly because I know myself well, I have lived alone for longe periods of my life and I really love me, I love my alone time, I love learning new things about myself. But I don’t feel like I have to purposefully create a period of time at this particular moment in my life to be on my own. I’m kind of in a space where I feel to totally at peace with being in my own for a fairly long period of time (couple of years) or dating someone. At this stage, I don’t think I want anyone around who wouldn’t become someone special. That translates in my own mind to mean, that whether I meet someone and we become serious or I meet folks and I learn after a brief period of dating that it won’t be special and I carry on on my own. I dated the first person to gain experience with women and explore my feelings. That went very wrong and we got serious. Ok lesson learned. I dated the second person because I wanted sex and fun and connection. We had that and our time came to an end and we broke up amicably and I’m glad we did it. I scratched an itch, I made a friend, and we both consider that time good for us both. I dated the last one because I really feel for her. I was at a point where I didn’t mind if I met someone special or met someone casually or didn’t date at all. My feelings for her hit me and I fell for her. We dated, it was lovely and wonderful. We broke up and now we speak regularly and we’re still good friends. Now I’m just seeing what happens next. I don’t mind if I make mistakes. I’m strong, mistakes are learning experiences, I’m kind and responsible with the hearts of people I date. And I will never make the same mistake I did for my daughter again. At the time it made sense what I was doing but I have regained the perspective of her needing space and time and my total focus. Those things won’t change. I know why I screwed up 2 years ago and I’m trying to let that go and move forward. I’m ok guys, basically. I’m still happy to hear your insight. Because I think I am certain to make mistakes. I may be making loads right now. But I’m not going to make mistakes that will hurt my daughter including with dating, so I don’t mind it. Life has to include mistakes and because this is still kind of new for me, I expect that! Feel free to challenge me though, I’m just trying to make things clear because I think they weren’t based on your responses.
Baristajedi, go date who you want to date and when you want to date. Follow your nose. It has gotten you very far as it is!
This is an excellent plan, one that I follow myself. I agree with @OnTheHighway as well! It's OK to be single and explore until you meet the one.
