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In a complex romantic relationship with a Bi-polar

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by joshy the queen, Oct 18, 2019.

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  1. joshy the queen

    joshy the queen
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    Hello to all!
    It's been a long time since I've posted here, but oh well I need guidance from the wise.
    So I have this best friend that I've known for 3 years, 2 and a half months ago we made out and agreed we both have feelings for each other.
    He wanted this "bond" of emotional sexual and friendship without calling it a relationship or labeling it anything at all, plus not tell a soul about us, because according to him it's special and it's just for us.
    With how much I cared and loved him I went with it, but my willingness for a traditional romance affair was obviously showing, here are the problems:
    • He always wants us to hang out at home, and I always Wana go out on dates.
    • I Wana introduce him to my friends, he wants this to be taken to my grave.
    • He is too cautious how I enter and leave his place and how tightly shut the windows are, knowing that when we were friends this never was an issue.
    • He keeps saying the sole reason he doesn't want a relationship is because he hates having expectations that he needs to meet.
    • He keeps telling me that sometimes he is just emotionally unavailable not even for a kiss, which I guess has to do with his condition but I'm honestly feeling like I dont know what Bi-polar is anymore ever since we started dating because this never occured to me when we were friends.
    • He doesn't like sharing his day or personal stuff anymore.
    • He started disappearing for weeks ignoring my messages, his explanation is that I put too much pressure on him answering, which I seriously don't I even avoid calling.
    • He gets offended if I call him a boyfriend
    Okay so these are the problems, what happened last week is that, he ignored me for the whole week, he cancelled my birthday party that he was planning, and then came over today to tell me all the problems that I just mentioned, in his perspective, anyway we are taking a break now which I suggested.
    But seriously even if we go back, how will I deal with him and why is he so guarded and distant with me now but was the best when we were friends?
    And quite honestly this might border on discrimination but, can anyone give me advice about dating a Bi-polar from experience? I want to understand him but all I feel is hurt and emotionally tired and ignored.
     
    #1 joshy the queen, Oct 18, 2019
  2. joshy the queen

    joshy the queen
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    Fine I know, my relationship drama isn't that much of a priority compared to others.... :/ I'm just really stressing out about this and I can't talk to anyone about it.
     
    #2 joshy the queen, Oct 21, 2019
  3. Aspen

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    Has he been diagnosed with bipolar, or did he self-diagnose?

    My father-in-law and one of my good friends have been diagnosed with bipolar. My wife may be also but she’s never been diagnosed. While mental illness is a personal thing and one person’s symptoms and coping methods will not match another’s, none of them exhibit anything like this.

    He needs to seek help. If he’s been diagnosed, then I’m not sure he’s managing it correctly. If he hasn’t, then he shouldn’t be saying he’s bipolar and using it as an excuse for his unacceptable behavior.

    This might sound strange, but I’m not going to tell you that it doesn’t matter. The fact is he wants a drastically different relationship than you do and it doesn’t sound like compromise is possible. You want a relationship with him and he doesn’t want one with you. He doesn’t want to date, doesn’t want anyone to know you’re together, doesn’t want to meet your friends, and he ignores your messages for weeks on end. At this point, he doesn’t even sound like a good friend. He’s being emotionally manipulative to an extreme degree.

    It’s ableist to say that you’ll never date someone who is bipolar but it’s okay for you to decide that this isn’t what you want. Right now, this guy is telling you that this is the relationship he wants and, if you don’t like it, then that’s too bad.

    I hate to have to say this, but is he out at all? Is there any threat to his safety if anyone finds out that the two of you are together?
     
    #3 Aspen, Oct 22, 2019
  4. Lek

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    I'm bipolar but I can tell you I've always taken responsibility for what I have done. As much as I hated to go on medication, it changed my life.

    I've been with my partner for 26 years and he was and is the reason I stay on my treatment. Even at my worst, I couldn't stand to hurt him and that has been a powerful force keeping me on the right track.

    I'm not an expert on bipolar disorder, but the only item from you list that sounds like bipolar is disappearing for weeks. Bipolar disorder is no excuse for hurting, mistreating, or dismissing another person.

    Look, Joshy, are you getting anything from this relationship that keeps you in it? It sounds like everything is on his terms.

    May I suggest is is time for you to take care of yourself? You deserve to be love for you. It isn't your job as a friend or a lover to take care of someone who seemingly will not give you what you need.

    Good luck.
     
    #4 Lek, Oct 22, 2019
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  5. Chip

    Chip
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    The issues you are describing aren't issues related to someone living with bipolar disorder. They're issues of someone who is, basically, acting like a self-centered asshole.

    From what you describe, he isn't showing the slightest interest in your needs; it's all about him. The symptoms and experiences of bipolar disorder (either type) aren't consistent with what you're describing; this is more in the realm of personality and social adjustment disorders.

    In any case, if I somehow managed to find myself in a relationship with someone who behaves the way you describe... I'd run the other way as fast as I could. The dude plans a birthday party for you and then cancels it? I'm sorry but screw him. That's about the most inconsiderate thing I can imagine.

    You deserve MUCH better. Since it sounds like it's already over... if it were me, I wouldn't consider going back to that if someone paid me.
     
    #5 Chip, Oct 22, 2019
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  6. joshy the queen

    joshy the queen
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    He has been seeing a therapist ever since he was 20, he is 26 at the moment, he is also taking his meds.
    There is no threat to safety if he came out at all, we live in Beirut and quite honestly it's a middle East heaven compared to other countries or cities around the area.
    He is out to a few friends and family so it's not like he is still in the closet.
    Honestly I'm not sure what to think of this whole thing anymore....
     
    #6 joshy the queen, Oct 24, 2019
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