@BlueBoy2 @DecentOne brought up a interesting thought. I know that I project my feelings on other people all the time and maybe there is some of that here? I was thinking about the parallels between your story and mine. When I was your age I used to hang around a bar flirting with a bartender. He was young and handsome. This went on for months. He started avoiding me a bit after awhile until one day he took me to an attic office and propositioned me. Of course he had my number...a married man who is not out to his wife...and, he knew he would scare the shit out of me. As I look back, I was so desperate for validation that I ignored the obvious...it was his job to flirt with me. It just felt so good to feel I could desire a man, in real life, and that he desired me. I look back and think I was pathetic. But, I also look back and realize it was something that I needed to go through. Does this relate to you? I live in a small town and the gay community is pretty tight. At this point, a lot of the guys know about my crush on this guy. It's funny that, to a man, none of them have been anything but respectful. I sorta wonder if this isn't, sometimes, a rite of passage for older gay and bi men? As with you, this bartender was the impetus for me coming out to my wife. I told my wife of this crush and how it made me feel. Even though this was not a real relationship, the feelings were definitely real. Those feelings, that you have for this guy, are important because they will help you understand yourself more and you can grow from the experience. The other thing I thought about was how I feel about older gay men. My interactions have, mostly, been that I was hit on for sex from guys my age. It always felt to me that they were predatory. I can't seem to find an emotional safe place with older guys. Young guys are safety for me. I don't feel pressured to have sex with them. The expectations just aren't there so I can tend to let my guard down. Maybe this guy felt safe to you?
Chip, Thank you for your thoughts. While naturally, I don't really like what you're telling me, I do see the truth init, and appreciate it very much. It does help me have a better understanding of the older/younger dynamic, and of bar culture in general. Thanks again.
OnTheHighway, Thank you for your post. I definitely can see how I'm going through a "second adolescence". This is very insightful! Although I knew I was gay by the time I was in junior high, I was so confused and scared that I "bypassed" normal development of relationships, became a loner, and had remained frustrated and emotionally frozen until my most recent volcanic eruption of all that emotional lava which had been building up. I also can see how I need to work on my own self-worth, and hopefully, with time, "catch up" and become "in sync" with more guys my age. Thanks again for your helpful feedback.
Wow! Just wow! Thank you, DecentOne. This post really hit me hard. In a good way. I think you may have unlocked the riddle that had been tormenting me like a Sphinx for the last 9 months! Yes, I think this guy does represent a version of myself. Well, maybe a few versions. I am an old soul. I am sad. And, I am mourning the path not taken when I was this guy's age. In addition, he has this "bad boy" vibe, which I guess is attractive to me, as I was always the "squeaky clean", somewhat nerdy and out-of-step loner in my youth. Wow. I have to say it again! You have given me a real key to understanding, and this insight has given me much peace and resolve. Thanks again!
Nickw, Thank you for sharing your story. I definitely can relate to much of what you went through. Wow, it really feels good to know that I'm not alone in my "Young Handsome Bartender Impetus Syndrome". And yes, like you, I really think that this is something I needed to go through -- er, continue to go through. I am definitely understanding myself more and do feel like I'm growing -- and becoming stronger and more confident. It feels good! Like a workout, that is exhausting at the time, but later, leaves you feeling better. And yes, this guy does feel safe to me. And I don't feel pressure to have sex with him at all. In fact, that's one of the most interesting aspects of my attraction to him: the sexual, lustful drive isn't there; it's more of a desire to be emotionally close and to get to know him at a more soulful level. Don't get me wrong, I am physically, as well as psychologically, attracted, and would like nothing better than to snuggle up to him. But that emotional aspect is definitely the most alluring. Thanks again for sharing your story and helping me to understand myself better, as well as making me feel less alone!
Well guys, I had been feeling stronger and less sad earlier today. It had been a week since I last saw my beloved bartender. But I was thinking about going to see him again. Funny, for a few minutes, I actually considered not going to see him, because I thought to myself, "hmm, you know, I don't really feel like I just *have* to see him, the way I used to feel (when I felt more or less insane); in fact, maybe it would be good to not go lest I get myself all verklempt and lovesick again". In other words, I was feeling better and knew that the way to continue to feel better would be to stay the course and not go to his bar today. But what did I do? Yup. I caved. He had a fresh haircut and he seemed even cuter than ever! OMG just shoot me now. The good news is, I put on my "chill" face, yet got to chat with him in the same easy, casual way I had before. I learned more about him, which is nice. But it just made me like him even more than ever. Now here it is in the "remains of the day" and I've been sitting here crying. Anyway, I just wanted to vent. Thank you for letting me get it out. It helps so much to know that you can understand.
Look man, I really, really, really hate to write this... but.. : do you give him good tips? I don't discount that you and him might genuinely 'click' ... as a bartender and customer, but you have to respect it as just that... Is there something positive and affirmative you can do with these feelings? for example, maybe this sadness, or realizing you're lonely is a sign you need change? there have been times when I've sat a bar doing that.. and all i ended up was an empty pocket and hangover.
absolutely, if the bartender doesn't know how to handle it hes in the wrong profession -and going back the nature of the profession they are trying to make people feel good its not like he was studying at the library and was repeatedly asked out. And I agree predatory went too far - boorish, 'no fool like and old fool' (I don't mean this as insult to blueboy I'm around that age and have made the same mis-reads/mistakes - we all have...
Oh yes, I always make sure to tip him well. At least 20%. Definitely, my sadness and loneliness are signs I need change. I think this bartender guy has just made me see so much in myself. I am beginning to realize that this whole saga has been less about him, and more about me. But, I still adore him.
I went to see him again today. It had been a week since I last saw him. God, he is so cute! Am I ever going to get to hang out with him? Or will I ever "get over" him? Maybe I need to just ask him to hang out. I don't know. This is torture!
I suggest you re-read what I wrote above. Not to deflate your balloon, but I'm near certain your feelings aren't reciprocated, so I don't think asking him to hang out would be effective, given that he's turned you down twice. What it will likely do is get you labeled a creeper. I get the feelings you're having. It's a not-uncommon part of coming out. I do suggest that you focus on doing something else, because I think all this is going to do is cause you more heartbreak and difficulty.
Hey. I'm going to offer an observation based on experience. 1. You won't ever get to hang out with him (not as a boyfriend) 2. You WILL get over him. 3. Don't ask him to hang out. 4. Yep. Torture...for now. And, if you are like me, you will, someday treasure this because he allowed you to explore your attractions and begin to understand yourself. Sorry to be so blunt. But, you can take this as a learning experience and get out there and find someone who will, honestly, return your affections. You will find that guy. You really will. Now, you know you are capable of having these feelings and that is big growth. Most of us go through what you are going through at some point in our lives. I learned it as a kid. So, it was easier to shrug it off. But, I do remember it did hurt. I also remember I got over it and found another interest. You will too.
Chip, even though I don't like what you're telling me, I appreciate it. And I'm glad to know what I'm going through is not uncommon. Thank you for your honesty.
Nickw, thank you for your assessment. I appreciate you sharing your experience, and your encouragement. I think what makes this all so hard is I never went through it when I was younger and perhaps able to shrug it off. And yeah, I think I will be able to look back on this and realize how it was a gift to help me grow and understand myself. In fact, I had an epiphany the other day when I looked up the meaning of my crush's name (Matthew) and found that it means "gift from God".
It does make it much more difficult to have not gone through this when you are young. One advantage to being bisexual, I guess. It was OK for me to go through this when I was younger with women. And then, when I went through the same sort of thing as you a few years back with a younger bartender, I was able to get beyond it easier. That said. What you are going through is human nature. Sometimes we fall for someone who is unattainable (or not good for us) and there is nothing we can do about it but move on. As I have gotten older, I am learning to appreciate the feelings of attraction I have for other humans as a gift rather than a curse. It is hard to make this switch because we feel like somehow those feelings need to be validated by having the desires reciprocated. Often, this is just not possible and that is OK. I know this is not really a comfort. I would recommend trying to engage other gay men through a meet up activity or LGBT event. The best thing for you right now is going to be getting out there.
