Since coming out to my parents, I feel like I have become very disappointed in them and it has made me realise why it took me a long time to come out in the first place. Whilst they are accepting of my sexuality, which I am hugely grateful for as I know that many people have to hide themselves from their parents, I just still feel very disappointed in their continued negative attitude towards LGBTQ+ people. They still make disparaging remarks about gay people. Not anything particularly nasty but enough to make me feel uncomfortable and know that they are still very uncomfortable with gayness. I feel like there continues to be a brick wall between us that they aren't really aware of. It was there before I came out and then it disappeared for a while with the relief of coming out but now it has gone back up again. I go through these cycles of getting annoyed at them and then just deciding to forgive them because I think what is the point in wasting energy on it but at the same time I know that it keeps me feeling pretty lonely in my family and makes me really not enjoy being around them at all. I put on a brave face when I am around my parents but I'm just generally acting around them all the time because deep inside I really hate them for making me feel so ashamed of myself in such a subtle way. I know they are from another generation and a lot of it is not their fault but I wish that they took a bit more interest in the fact that I am gay and try to learn more about it or educate themselves and stop saying stupid things. I still feel like when I do have a relationship I am going to really struggle to include them in it. Sometimes I get really angry and think about cutting them off completely but I don't think I ever would actually do that because I know that in so many other ways they have been supportive of me. They are generally really bad at expressing emotions and talking about feelings etc but I just wish they would try to understand or even show me that they are trying. Sometimes I wonder if I had told them 10 years ago, (even though I certainly would not have been ready!) if they would have taken more interest in it as they are retired now and kind of a bit cut off from things it feels. They have no idea how difficult it is coming out and how that has impacted on my life. I guess they will probably never know but I still can't help getting annoyed at them for it, is this unreasonable?
Of course it is reasonable to want a good relationship with parents. Creating a relationship in which you and your parents can communicate about these issues you raise may be a slow process, but perhaps you can advance the conversation. When they say hurtful, ignorant, or stupid things, can you say something to them, like: "When you say '______', it makes me feel dismissed/judged/discounted, etc."? "I would like to be able to share my life with you, would you use resources, such as PFLAG, if I offered them to you?" If they open up, try to stay connected. Use "I think I hear you saying that _[paraphrase them]_?" That can be useful feedback to them so they can hear what they are saying. I'm sure others will have some good feedback for you. Good luck.
Thanks so much for your response. I'm sorry it has taken me a while to get back. You are right, I need to address it head on. I just feel like burying my head in the sand about it but I know I need to deal with it and educate them. When you come out you think that that is all the hard work done, and then you realise that it's only the start of it! I'm such a whimp, even though I have told all my family and friends I still can't face telling people in my new job, I just find it so awkward.
I’m inclined to agree that there is a generational issue with your parents. Sometimes they will say things in a general way without considering how it would affect you. @Lek has given very good advice in being more direct with them and how their comments can hurt you. Where I am slightly surprised is that you found it difficult to come out to your new workmates. Most people I know in that position found it easier as new colleagues generally don’t start with preconceived ideas about you. It’s not a question of facing up to telling them - it should be more a matter of ‘if it happens to come up in conversation......’.
Yeah I know. It’s just that the place I live and work is pretty backward generally in their views. I’ve already heard one of my colleagues describe being gay as ‘a lifestyle choice’ and other sideways remarks concerning lgbt people. I know that they will be shocked when I do tell them because most people don’t guess with me and I can’t quite face that reaction, ‘oh I would never have guessed you’re gay’...as if it’s some sort of compliment. Does my head. in so I just remain quiet.
