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Do you regret coming out? Advice badly needed!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by JToivonen, Oct 18, 2019.

  1. JToivonen

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    Well, I believe I'm in the final stages of acceptance and I feel sooo ready (and willing) to come out to everyone! And yet I have this fear and anxiety about doing it - I mean, I'll leave the certainty of a stable, straight life to dive into the unknown. And even though I desperately want that, and the same time it really gets under my skin, so it terrifies me.

    So, for the ones who have done it already...do you regret coming out? Would you do that again?

    I know there will still be problems, life doesn't get perfect...but is really worthwhile to face the whole world in order to live as who you really are?

    Do any of you wish you hadn't come out?

    I know, it sounds silly, but I'm so anxious and scared...is that normal?
     
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  2. dano218

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    I don't regret coming out to people though I sometimes regret the way i went about it. Even though i am not good at expressing my feelings in general coming out always made me feel so much better even if it was not the reaction was not good. It was always better to get it out of the way and let the chips fall where they may. I knew when i came out to some high school friends who were somewhat homophobic they probably would not give me the time of day once they mostly found out on facebook but i did want to keep them in my life anways especially if they still had that toxic attitude.
     
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  3. Bolt35

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    I havent regret coming out, not even once. It feels pretty liberating to be out of the closet and not having to worry about some invisible ghost telling me that I made the mistake. I wouldn't want to do it again the way I did, but I wish I could've done it sooner. I definitely had some anxiety coming out of the closet but that went away when I got it done. It's normal, some people will definitely feel scared, anxious, or nervous about coming out, which is fine, as long as you're ready for it.
     
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  4. Geek

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    I'm not fully out, so I can only speak on someone who's semi out. I'm out to all my friends, and anyone who I know won't care (aka most people that I associate, my siblings, but not other family members). I live in Hawaii so I've yet to have a negative reaction. I'm still nervous to come out to my parents, let alone fully come out, but the more out I've become, the more genuine and happy I've felt. When you say you're out, you mean fully out, or just out to more people? I think for most people a slow gradual approach is the easiest.
     
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  5. Rin311

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    Yes and no. I came out at the wrong time - when I was still very young and dependent on my homophobic parents and without a proper support network - because I was naive, and it led to a lot of difficulties and problems. But I know I would have probably come out at some point. I don't think I can see myself not being honest and open about something so basic about myself and my life.
     
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  6. silverhalo

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    No I have never regretted coming out.
     
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  7. Devil Dave

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    Yes it is worth coming out in the long run. There will be challenges after you come out, whether it's relationships and friendships, or work related issues, and trying to figure out which social circle you're supposed to belong with (I still struggle with my social life) How you face these challenges as an out gay person is what matters, and it can be very rewarding when you do figure out works for you and what makes you happy. When I overcome one problem I feel just a little more empowered as a gay man making his way in this world. I feel more in control of myself, knowing that I'm not having to hide in a closet.
     
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  8. OGS

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    I never have and frankly I've never met anyone in real life who has. Neither has my husband. To be fair though if you really regretted coming out you probably wouldn't move in the circles we do. I asked my husband last night and the conversation was interesting. He said, he'd never met anyone who regretted it and then basically said he couldn't imagine anyone regretting it. Could I? I pretty much said well, you could come out later in life and lose your wife and your children and never find a boyfriend. He acknowledged that of course that would suck, but was still sort of like "even so, how could you regret being you?" Again to be fair he's 54, grew up in Oklahoma and was never in the closet. He's of a very particular mettle...
     
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  9. JToivonen

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    Thank you all for the very kind and reassuring responses!

    I'm out to some people. Other than my therapists, I'm out both to some people I knew would support me, like some wonderful friends I have, as well as to others who advice me not to lead a gay lifestyle, like my sister, my mother (I came out to her last Wednesday) and one of my church's leaders. Most importantly, I'm out to my wife, who's in constant denial. But I want to be out to everyone. I just want to scream "I'm gay!" so the whole world would know that I'm a gay man and there's nothing wrong about it. I'm tired of hiding, being someone I'm not!

    I think this last week I took some great steps in order to really be free and I come out. As I mentioned, I came out to my mother and I also went for some counselling about divorce. I truly believe I'm really to close to set myself free. Still, it excites me and frightens me at the same time! Specially regarding THE talk that I'll have to have with my wife, telling her our marriage is over and that I'll move out (as I said, she knows I want out, but she believes God will "heal" me if I pray away the gay). It makes me nervous, but I'm positive that's the best way for both of us.

    As for my mother, she's also trying to put me back into the closet, but I'm just not accepting anymore.

    I'm not particularly
     
  10. I'm gay

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    No regrets here. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, and I sometimes wish I had come out earlier in life, but overall life is much better today.
     
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  11. Contented

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    Like many have said I don’t regret it for a minute. It wasn’t always easy but in the end to be able to live as an openly gay man is fantastic. I only wish I had come out sooner perhaps as a teenager and not at 50. I can now see in hindsight I was always gay and not coming out earlier I missed out on years of the sexual and emotional pleasures of being with another man.
     
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  12. artsy gays

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    I both do and don't regret it. I don't regret coming out to my friends because it felt like I was being honest and whole with them and it was nice to be me. Despite my parents being 'supportive' I almost regret coming out to them. My dad really didn't give a shit which was good because it meant I wasn't any different to him, but bad because I felt like he didn't care. My mom, on the other hand, was interested but was overwhelming me with questions and being overwhelmed by the answers. I know it takes time but she really stands by her idea of 'you're too young to be asexual, you've never tried it, how could you possibly know? Not going to lie, that shit hurts but she is just trying to learn. I feel like I strained our relationship even further too, she says she feels like she can't talk to me anymore even though I've said numerous times that I'm happy to talk about it and answer questions. I think she mistakes me asking for a break from questions as a 'fuck off and leave me alone I'm a rebellious 14 year old' when in reality I just need half an hour to breathe and get myself together to answer and explain things the best I can. I have actually wondered what it would be like if I had just stayed in the closet and not come out. Maybe it would be better. Ik this is more of a story sector but anyone who dealt with a similar situation, how did you manage it?
     
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  13. ready2bout

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    I’ve only come out to a few people and do not regret it at all. They are very supportive. I only wish I would have started coming out a lot sooner. It feels awesome to tell people that you are gay!
     
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  14. Davos

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    Although reassuring to hear, it’s hard for me to believe that no one regrets coming out. I have come out to a handful of people and sometimes I regret it. My situation is such that people know me as the traditional family dad and husband in my community and workplace. So it’s mortifying to me to come out as the deceiver and destroyer of a family. There are so many layers to this. It’s not something I wish I could do. I don’t live in a large city. The other side seems like a lonely path feeling a constant deep sense of loss. depression. The debate rages on in my mind incessantly. Having any confidence about the next right step is changes daily. therapy is hard and helps some. If I just believed that coming out and separating would be the best thing for my kids, wife and myself, I wouldn’t hesitate. But I don’t. I haven’t figured it out. And I’m tired. i appreciate everyone’s perspectives. Hoping I can attain a sense of peace someday.
     
  15. cjmiller

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    I haven't come out yet but everyone I've interacted with have told me they never regretted coming out.
     
  16. Benway

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    I regret "coming out" every single day. All it's done is make people point and yell "HOMO" at me, because apparently whoever I tell, tells ten other people, who tell ten other people and so on and so forth. I preferred my sexuality being like a ninja, hiding in plain sight. But no, I had to "come out" because I thought it would be "healthy" and instead all it's done is make people make fun of me even harder than when they were just making fun of me for being a fat guy. Now I'm a "gay" fat guy. I've even heard jokes from other LGBT people who say "Oh, I bet you can only bottom because if you topped someone you'd crush them to death." I'm not even that fat. But coming out ostracized me in both my friends' circles and the gay community and I hate being "out." Now if I tell my Mom one little problem she'll ask me "Is it because you're 'gay?'" It's a bunch of bull. I truly hate being "out."
     
  17. Chizu

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    It's really hard for me to say, since I'm out to so little people, in part because I socialize with so little people. I sort of regret coming out to my mom at times. She's stressed me out so much I just feel like she's not worthy of knowing details like that about me. I mean, I was able to sleepover with guys without her wondering anything, but I feel like I should have just done it anyway and let her go mad wondering if I'm gay or not. That's pretty much everyone's thoughts on me, just a gossip over whether I'm gay or not.
    Of course, there are many situations where I regret not coming out. Like one time I got into a verbal argument with one of my aunts, she called me the f-word and said everyone calls me it behind my back. I wanted to yell back at her "Yeah, damn right I am, I'd rather be a f-word than a c-word." Then when I was in healthcare and surrounded by women, it drove me mad when they acted like I was attracted to them. I wanted to just scream "I'm gay! For fcks sake I'm not into you!" but at the same time, I wanted them to keep a fair distance from me, because there's no way I wanted to be their sassy gay friend they could cuddle up to.
    I don't really have any big regrets over my out status though. I've learned a fair deal on what people truly think of gay men from listening to what they have to say about me without knowing I'm gay. I just hate people too much to tell them anything about me.
     
  18. silverhalo

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    Hey I am sorry you are experiencing this. Are you still at school?
     
  19. Benway

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    I graduated from high school almost fourteen years ago.
     
  20. JToivonen

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    Do you mind if I ask you where you live?

    It seems to be a pretty homophobic place...maybe somewhere in the Bible Belt?