Hi, I haven't posted in a while. Short recap of my story: I'm a divorced 39 year old woman w/seven kids (who live w/my ex). I realized I was bisexual in 2016 after my separation, but because I was still hoping to make my marriage work and because I was having trouble dealing with the conflict between my evangelical beliefs and my sexuality, I did not come out until this summer. In a 2 or 3 week period I came out to several people, including my best friends, my therapists, basically everyone in my life but two key groups of people: my ex and my children, and my surrogate parents. The latter are evangelical pastors and I know they aren't going to be thrilled about it. My plan as far as my ex was to just tell him when I got a girlfriend, but that's taking longer then I thought. I've gone on some dates, but so far nothing has worked out. I was so happy to have acknowledged my sexuality and be out, and now I feel stuck. And that initial excitement I felt has worn off and I just feel depressed. Should I stick with my original plan and just come out to these people when I have a girlfriend, or should I do it now anyways in the hopes it will shake this blah-ness?
It sounds like that feeling of being stuck is, to some extent feeding the depression and loneliness, so you might ask yourself if taking the next step will help to bring you back to a better place. Do bear in mind that the initial excitement of coming out wears off though, regardless of our circumstances. We can't remain in that state of excited happiness forever and normality always does return. Sometimes when we have carried the secret of our sexuality around with us for a while we can experience a lull in mood once it's been released and we've come out. It is rare, because most people are happy to be rid of the burden, but there is this strange kind of paradox for some people in letting go of something quite personal that they will never get back. It's almost like they have lost something precious (even though it's not true). On a rational level it doesn't make sense because the secrecy of our sexuality is really quite stifling and oppressive, but when we've guarded that secret for a while and kept it close it can actually feel like a loss once it's no longer there. I'm not suggesting that is what's happening with you, but it might be something to keep in mind if the lull persists. Hopefully you will feel on solid ground once everyone knows and you have found a special someone.
I probably am being unrealistic in my expectations about how I'd feel after coming out. I am, after all, still me. I guess I just felt so happy at first for about 2 months (compared to my normal state of depression) that I thought maybe I'd found the answer; that maybe being in the closet was causing my chronic depression. That's interesting to think of a feeling of loss, potentially. Maybe that's the case. Once I'm out, I can't go back, and it felt....safer? in some ways being closeted. It's one more step in letting entirely go of my past life, and yes, I think I am grieving that loss. I feel like I have neither what I gave up my past life for nor do I have my past life, if that makes sense. I've made a couple of LGBT acquaintances, but other then that I have no one who I can talk to about it, no friendships that make up the ones I've lost, etc. Oh well....I just gotta keep going.
My condolences. It can't be easy, grappling with so many changes at once. I only came out earlier this year myself, so a lot of it is still new--but I can relate to some of the pressures you're going through, at least. I hope you're able to reach a better understanding of yourself, these newfound feelings, and the direction you need to take in order to find happiness.
