1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

A setback, but I realize there's not turning back....

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by out2019, Oct 14, 2019.

  1. out2019

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2018
    Messages:
    883
    Likes Received:
    737
    Location:
    us
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I haven't posted in awhile. I started dating a woman, we got along but I realized it was just an attempt to sabotage coming out. Almost from the moment I asked her out and she said 'yes' I had a gut reaction I was lying to her and myself. Looking back, I asked her when I as panicking about being gay....
    Fortunately I quietly ending things after a few dates.

    In the past I would have gone through the dating cycle, had sex, convinced myself I wasn't gay.. but I just couldn't go through with it this time..

    I got along with this woman, we had a lot in common but all that did was illustrate I had no sexual or intimate interest in pursuing it... in other words it made me realize more than ever that I am gay.

    There's no turning back now. I can continue to try to deny my sexuality, but why?

    I also spontaneously thought about how much shame I have about being gay...on the other hand, those moments of acceptance feel so wonderful!.
     
    Bellflower likes this.
  2. out2019

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2018
    Messages:
    883
    Likes Received:
    737
    Location:
    us
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    One other note, I said I never looked at men on the street but during this time I noticed some guys at the gym and got really aroused..

    I can continue to make up all the excuses I want. I can continue to convince myself that because I find a woman attractive, that I can be sexually attracted to her...

    But my strongest natural romantic and sexual feelings are to be with a man. Just to imagine kissing a guy is 100x more powerful than any forced fantasy about a woman...And I WANT IT... I want to be with a man, I just have so much shame... coming out is so hard!
     
    #2 out2019, Oct 14, 2019
    Last edited: Oct 14, 2019
    Bellflower likes this.
  3. cjmiller

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 13, 2019
    Messages:
    255
    Likes Received:
    146
    Location:
    Massachusetts
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I've gone through similar experience as you and it wasn't until recently that I've accepted I'm gay and feel a huge relief. Also, since that day,I too began really taking notice of guys around me. Good luck on your journey.
     
    out2019 likes this.
  4. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,698
    Likes Received:
    3,722
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey I think what would really help you is if you could meet some gay people in real life.
     
    out2019 likes this.
  5. Contented

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2017
    Messages:
    1,465
    Likes Received:
    2,321
    Location:
    Upstate NY
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Out2019 it does take some time to work through internalized homophobia. We all have had to deal with it. It does however fade as you come to embrace being openly gay. Like you being with a man is so much more powerful, sensual, romantic and just plain erotic. For me after being intimate for the first time with another man I knew absolutely it wasn’t even close. It made me wonder how I was ever with a woman and I was 50. The shame I dealt with was not having realized sooner that I was gay. It felt that I had lied for a lifetime however that was not the case. I had buried so deeply that I hid it from myself. Once you work through these issues you being to see that being gay is just normal.
     
  6. out2019

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2018
    Messages:
    883
    Likes Received:
    737
    Location:
    us
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Yes it does feel like a relief when I accept it, even with the challenges.

    It's a weird paradox, it feels so good to accept it, to think about dating a guy but I keep running away from it.

    Trying to get up the courage to walk into the LGBT center....even a small real world step would help.
     
  7. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,698
    Likes Received:
    3,722
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Have you tried sending them an email, maybe it could be a halfway step.
     
    out2019 and Peterpangirl like this.
  8. bluehorizon

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2015
    Messages:
    39
    Likes Received:
    29
    Location:
    Wisconsin
    I dunno if this will be helpful, but another thread on the front page gave me this idea to suggest: why not make yourself a "bucket list" of things that will get you closer to experiencing your new self? As you say, "there's no going back," so why not consciously devise steps to move forward?

    You wouldn't want to load it up with things you'll never do. You'll want to keep it action-oriented, small enough that it's doable and time sensitive.

    For example:

    No: Find out if there's a gay resource center near me.

    Yes: By the end of the month, locate a gay-oriented venue and go there. Stay for at least 30 minutes and talk to at least one other person.

    I'm not saying this is a GOOD idea, but it IS an idea :slight_smile:
     
    MBM4K54 and out2019 like this.
  9. out2019

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2018
    Messages:
    883
    Likes Received:
    737
    Location:
    us
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    They have 'open hours' certain times of the week. I plan to go there. After all if I am not gay what's the harm...
     
  10. out2019

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2018
    Messages:
    883
    Likes Received:
    737
    Location:
    us
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Tonight on another post I realized how much shame I have about being gay, and that shame still leads to some denial. I really wanted to talk to someone about it tonight and called a local LGBT hotline, unfortunately it was busy most of the night.

    I was just thinking about my arousal patterns, romantic and sexual fantasies, and baggage aside, how much I want to just come out ...this is the hardest thing I have ever done...
     
  11. out2019

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2018
    Messages:
    883
    Likes Received:
    737
    Location:
    us
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I did it!
    I got through the line and talked to someone for a half hour. It felt SO GOOD to tell someone I was gay! He had some great suggestions for the next steps and even talking about some of my fears, I realized how irrational some where.

    I am going to the LGBT center the next time they have open hours!
    and I am going to tell my close friend who I told before but retracted!
     
    #11 out2019, Oct 15, 2019
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2019
  12. out2019

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2018
    Messages:
    883
    Likes Received:
    737
    Location:
    us
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I woke up this morning with such a feeling of peace and excitement at the same time!
    Calling the LGBT talk line was the most important thing I have done so far besides admitting it to myself. In some ways it was more important than admitting it to my friend (who I later retracted). Just telling another person, even on the phone, that I was gay felt so liberating and energizing at the same time! As the guy on the phone said, I came out to somebody! -Maybe with a closer friend, even an understanding one, I was worried, but I feel so good about this!

    I haven't seriously thought about therapy before (bad past experiences) but I might consider it now.
     
  13. Contented

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2017
    Messages:
    1,465
    Likes Received:
    2,321
    Location:
    Upstate NY
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Congrats on a major step in embracing gay life. Being able to say out loud that your gay to another person is awesome. You will find that feeling of liberation will continue to grow as you transition into an openly gay man. Once you start dating another guy you will feel wonderful that you made the right decision. For me being able to say I had a boy friend without guilt or shame was one of the best things I ever experienced. Good luck as you proceed in your sexual evolution.
     
    #13 Contented, Oct 16, 2019
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2019
    out2019 likes this.
  14. out2019

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2018
    Messages:
    883
    Likes Received:
    737
    Location:
    us
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Even speaking on the phone anonymously, I felt the same nervousness- my voice was trembling as the first time I came here and typed that I might be gay... but after the nervousness, an incredible surge of energy and happiness!
     
  15. Contented

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2017
    Messages:
    1,465
    Likes Received:
    2,321
    Location:
    Upstate NY
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Keep in mind what you are doing is life changing so it normal to be nervous. You are entering a new phase of your life as you embrace your homosexuality honestly. You feel different and mostly likely soon will start dating these are seismic events with significant consequences for you. Keep moving forward I assure you it is worth it.
     
    out2019 likes this.
  16. out2019

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2018
    Messages:
    883
    Likes Received:
    737
    Location:
    us
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Life changing is not an exaggeration!...I think it's the first conscious step 'person to person' of acceptance and acknowledgment of my sexuality.
    I know there are still a lot of steps and hurdles, but this morning, I woke up with such a sense of peace and excitement about being gay.
     
  17. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,698
    Likes Received:
    3,722
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Yay congratulations
     
    out2019 likes this.
  18. out2019

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2018
    Messages:
    883
    Likes Received:
    737
    Location:
    us
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Another step!
    I went to the LGBT center - I just went in the cafe part and had a coffee, but it's far more than I ever done ! I still want to go the walk in counseling hours but this was a first step... and I am glad I did because I realized how nervous I was just walk in and order coffee! At the same time, I felt so good about it!....
    In the past two days I have done more in real life than the past year of posting there!
     
  19. out2019

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2018
    Messages:
    883
    Likes Received:
    737
    Location:
    us
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    It's been a big 48 hours for me! I just think about these seemingly 'little' things and they make me feel SO GOOD! I realized how nervous I was an how much emotion it releases to say these things in the real world, I get this feeling that once I go to the open counseling there, and tell people face to face that I am gay that my confidence and self acceptance will increase even further.
     
  20. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,698
    Likes Received:
    3,722
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hearing all of this has literally made my week. I am so pleased for you.
     
    out2019 likes this.