As most know, it's been a long road for me towards self acceptance, going through the coming out process, etc. When I first came out though, I came out as lesbian. It seemed to fit well, and I had a girlfriend at the time (Though we never went further than making out - don't want to bore you with the details). However, something happened, or rather someone. I saw a years-long male crush at a party, and seeing him made me realize again that A) I'm still not "over him" and B) I still have attractions towards the opposite sex... My parents are (were?) homophobes, and my mom even went as far as telling me, "I brought a DAUGHTER into this world, not a SON!" "She is NOT welcome in my home!" Needless to say, I broke things off with my then-girlfriend. That wasn't the only reason though, but I don't want to go off topic too much. Anyway, so after all that stuff happened, I was left with lots of questions, and it felt like I was back to square 1. I "came out" on Facebook a couple of times (Changed my "interested in"). I initially changed it to "women" then after seeing my crush, "men and women" only to change it again to "men". I was very confused and didn't know where I stand, or what I am. After some time though, I realized that I am actually bisexual, but with a preference for the opposite sex. That fluctuates though. Some days I feel more gay-leaning than others... I changed my "interested in" one last time: "Men and women" and just left it at that. I won't lie, I think I tried too hard to convince people that I really am bisexual. I posted a shitload of LGBT stuff, more specifically bisexual stuff. I've lost a few Facebook friends because I think at this point they were fed up with seeing "gay stuff" in their news feed. I didn't care then, and don't care now. However, I wish I could just turn back the clock and not go through all those "interested in" status changes. But as you all know, it's not possible to turn back the clock of life. Unfortunately... Which brings me to the actual topic of this thread: I don't feel gay enough. Like, I feel as though I say that I'm into women just to fit in somewhere, since I feel so out of place wherever I go. I feel like I try too hard to convince other people of my sexuality. I've never seen real lesbians go so out of their way to make their sexualities known. Again leaving me as the outsider, the one who doesn't fit in... I think part of why I go so out of my way is to make bisexuality in general more widely known. We sort of get pushed to the back of the class of LG(B)T individuals. Even though it says right there in the title, lgBt, I still feel fake. I missed this year's Pride because the people I normally go with couldn't stay long, and the other half of them are on an overseas holiday, so couldn't go either. Somehow though I also feel out of place at Pride events. I feel like everyone is pointing and laughing at "the bull in the china store" - That is honestly how I feel most of the time. I struggle to find my place. A comfortable fit. I feel like I'm a square peg trying to fit into a round hole sometimes. It just makes me feel worse if I'm surrounded by confident and obviously gay people, like at Pride events. I know that I'm probably not the first who feels like this about it all, and won't be the last either. I know what I'm going through is usually present during the questioning phase/the self-discovery phase of one's sexuality, which is puzzling to me because shouldn't I be over that by now? I mean, it's been a few years now already... I guess I just wanted to vent a bit because I'm feeling conflicted. Again...
I'm sorry you're feeling this way :/ you're definitely not alone in this. It's crazy how little bisexuality Is talked about, and the amount of negativity and stigma associated with it when it is. I've known I was bi for a pretty long time, and I still really struggle with being comfortable In LGBTQ spaces (or straight ones for that matter). This summer I had to leave Pride, because it felt like I didn't deserve to be there, and I couldn't stop panicking. I've also dropped out of two different GSAs because it felt like I wasn't gay enough for them. Something I've found helpful is joining a few online bisexual communities. Being around people who identify the same as you can be really validating. And while I am biased the bisexual community is like really super chill and supportive. It would be cool if there was a bi/pan/wtv section of EC.
Sorry to hear (read) about your issues too Even though Pride events are sort of open to anyone who wants to associate themselves with the "gay scene", those of us who feel we aren't gay enough, will always feel out of place there I guess. I put "gay scene" in inverted commas because in this case, I'm using it as an umbrella term for all orientations/genders. At last year's Pride event, there was a straight couple who joined me, my lesbian cousin, her girlfriend, another two lesbian couples and a gay guy. They didn't feel out of place as far as I could tell. They are allies, which I think is wonderful! But I get what you're saying, and I feel the same (as can be seen/read in my opening post). It sucks, but I don't know how to change it apart from being "in your face" about my sexuality. It's as though bisexuals blend into the background too much. The opposite sex are scared to date us, because they think we will leave them for the same sex. And vice versa. As you've said, the stigma surrounding bisexuals (or pansexuals, or any other -sexual that includes more than one gender). I guess all we can do is just continue being our fabulous selves and the right people will cross our paths... HOPEFULLY!
Glad I found this post because something like this is barely talked about in LGBT communities in my area. There are occassional pointouts towards bi-erasure but not in this depth. Of being so insecure about one's bisexuality. Logically I would be a bisexual but it's something that it doesn't seem to stick ever since I realized that I wasn't straight at the age 16. Thanks for sharing this. It's something that I struggled to put into words. Whenever an article remotely positive about lgbt rights comes up, I feel like crying. If it's something negative, it feels like dying a little. Something that straights won't do, right? Lol
I'm sorry you're going through this <3 I guess I identify as a biromantic lesbian, but I'm 25 and just kinda figured it out, so I haven't been involved in the LGBTQ culture until this last 6-8 months. I also don't feel like I fit into a "butch" or "femme" category, which I hear a lot about in social media, and I don't "look" or "act" how everyone thinks a gay person should act. It's not exactly what you're going through, but I understand the not feeling like I fit into the community even though I (and you) def belong here! <3 <3 <3
There are many similar threads on here, each story unique in its own way. That's why I love EC so much - It's a place where we can freely express ourselves and be as upfront and open as we feel comfortable being
Well, if I were a lesbian, I think I'd fall into the "soft butch" category... I'm tomboyish, and own only long jeans, denim shorts and t-shirts. I think most people (men and women alike) are put off by my size first and foremost (I'm roughly 100lbs/50kg overweight and struggling to lose weight at the moment.) That, and men are put off by my masculine mannerisms and appearance. My hair is clipped (no. 3) at the back and sides and slightly longer on top. I'm also not a very confident person, and I am a bit skeptical of it when someone shows interest in me, because I've been used (for sex) one too many times to be naïve about someone's intentions. It's not easy trying to date when most people immediately friendzone me since I don't fit into their box of "ideal girlfriend material". And then, to get back on topic, and as mentioned previously, straight men are scared to date me because they think I will dump them for a woman. And gay (or bisexual) women are scared to date me because they think I will dump them for a guy. It sucks because it's a lose-lose situation either way. All I can do I guess is to just be myself, and the right person - male or female - will cross my path and we will be happy together, no matter what I think is wrong with me.
