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Tortured. Am i really trans or am i just confused?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by AlexJames, Oct 8, 2019.

  1. AlexJames

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    Well, tumblr refuses to save my post so here it is...wasn't gonna put this here...didn't want to bother you guys and i didn't want to show this to you guys. I was just gonna hide it all day. I'm not even sure i want to hit post tbh.

    Am i really transgender or am i just confused? Have i been fooling myself this whole time? Is it cause of all the ‘its dangerous to be alone as a woman’ and shit i grew up with? I mean yes i felt like a kid on christmas seeing myself in a shirt over a binder for the first time. But can you fool yourself even that much? Am i just fooling myself, is that why i’m so scared to come out? Because once you speak it, its like your speaking it into existence, you can’t take it back. Can’t delete it and pull reactions and hate and consequence back in. And if i really was trans would i not have known from a young age? I was fine with my body until i got fat! Wasn’t I? I mean yeah i’ve always just not been able to stand looking at my own reflection but what’s that mean. Surely there’s a billion girls like that around the world. I will forever look like a short twelve year old girl and that will always be my biggest insecurity because there’s absolutely nothing i can do about it.

    It comes up to torture me every so often. Is this something i just fooled myself into believing because it’d be easier somehow? Am i wrong? Or is this something hundreds of dollars on ultra-feminine clothing and jewelry and makeup and 55lbs of weight loss to get underweight again like i was growing up (naturally, i wasn't trying) and pep talks in the mirror and a confidence boost would fix?

    I just...It gets in my head and i doubt myself from time to time. Random anti-trans articles don't help either. Found one yesterday inadvertently. I mean...if i say something to the new trans kid at work and tell him to call me this name, I can't take that back. It becomes real, and so do all the possible consequences of speaking it aloud into the world. I could be fired, kicked out, die, etc. But i've also heard that if you're even questioning yourself at all chances are you aren't cis.

    Today's just been awful. Realizing that in being even just an ally at work to the new kid, it could mean or result in outting myself. I was so happy, at first. Seeing how one of the supervisors went above and beyond to make sure he used the right pronouns and that i knew what to call him even if i'd already guessed on my own. They took him to me, first, to train and i couldn't help but wonder if that meant they (1) already figured me out, or (2) they simply read my trans rights pin that i wear. I rarely get to train someone even if i've been there a long while. I just...i wonder if i should just make up a conversion therapy program to use on myself and see if i can just force it to go away. That's why i doubled the amount of currently existing cuts this morning. Not because of the direct thought but because of the emotions behind it.
     
  2. Hawk

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    How do you feel when people see you as female?
    How do you feel when people see you as male?
    Does presenting as male feel more natural to you? Do you prefer to be treated as a man?

    To get out of this rut, I do think telling someone you're at least questioning would be a good place to start, and it doesn't have to be "set in stone". Sure it's awkward to "back-pedal", but again you can always reverse things like this. It sounds like your workplace is pretty LGBT-friendly, though instead of telling everyone (which it sounds like you don't want to do). Could you just let your trans co-worker know how you're feeling and keep it between the two of you? Or a close friend you trust? Even telling one person may help you work up the courage to either progress in your transition, or figure out if it's something that doesn't feel right.

    If you don't want to, or can't come out for various reasons, could you consult with a gender therapist? Even just to talk about this with someone?
     
  3. AlexJames

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    I don't even drive and with my conservative parents there's no way i can access a gender therapist. I have no friends. Not irl.

    I've never felt like one of the girls. I remember feeling happy and elated when my online friends called my by my chosen name and referred to me as a guy. Even when in a chat room some immature kid tried to insult me, i don't remember what he said just that it involved dicks and he just assumed i was a cis guy and had one and i thought it was hilarious but at the same time it felt amazing. Seeing myself in a binder for the first time with a shirt over it felt amazing and i wish i was small enough weight wise to fit back into it.

    But that's all just online. I just...i'm afraid that i've gone this route not because its right but because of some dumb mind thing. Cause like i convinced myself i was just this straight modest proper christian girl for over a decade! After i could have acknowledged and investigated the signs i at least liked girls. So i'm afraid that now i'm just instead convincing myself i'm a boy because somehow it'd be easier to be a boy that likes girls and can walk around alone and be safe? But i know that's not true i'm honestly terrified of being out as trans because that's dangerous so even that proposition doesn't make sense in my head. But i don't trust my own head my own perceptions.

    God i'm just so confused and torn up. Thanks for replying.
     
  4. gravechild

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    I do think it would be pretty difficult to fool yourself, and even those who decide they're not binary trans are often somewhere on the spectrum. And I think most women get the whole "dangerous to be alone" talk growing up.

    It is a scary thing, dealing with the consequences, which is why many people stay in the closet. Not everyone's journey is the same. Some people come out early, others later. It doesn't make one right or wrong.

    You could try the whole makeup, losing weight thing, but I'm not sure its going to make you cisgender if you aren't already.
     
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  5. VeetotheX

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    I would disagree with the 'if you're questioning you're not cis' line, because I think cisgender people can still question how the social constructs of gender make them feel. Not saying that to push you in one direction, but I don't think it's a possibility to rule out.

    As for being unable to take back a name/pronoun change, my question to you is, if somebody came out to you as trans and then a few months later told you that they actually weren't and to go back to their old name/pronouns, would you get hung up about it? Of course there are people who will, but I think if you have a good enough online community people won't really care that much. To the people that care about you, it's not your name or identity that matter, but who you are as a friend.

    A helpful thing for me when I was trying to decipher whether I was trans or just uncomfortable with masculinity was to try being gender-nonconforming and see if the feelings went away. I've been openly wearing dresses and makeup for 2.5 years now and I still feel ill at ease with myself, my appearance, and my gender, which is why I'm now starting to think I may not be cis. Obviously this is easier said than done, because even people who are gender nonconforming get shit on by lots of society, but it's the best thing that worked for me.

    Also, you could look into online gender-identity counseling. Some places offer financial aid so you pay a reduced rate, and they can be a helpful alternative for someone like yourself who can't go to therapy in-person.

    Just try to remember that this is not something you have to solve right now. Though it can feel that way, you have time to think about this and work it out. You don't need to make a decision.
     
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  6. AlexJames

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    Thanks. I've gone back to how i initially tried to help people questioning their own identity - what are your feelings towards your primary and secondary sex characteristics? Cause for me that's an immediate answer. But on the other hand, i wonder if being overweight contributes. Idk. I was SO SURE of myself cause i realized most of the reasons i wasn't sure were external. Then you mentioned gender nonconforming. And i remembered my weight may be contributing like what if its dysmorphia not dysphoria. So idk.

    There's online gender counseling? Do you have a link? And how cheap does it go i'm on a budget.
     
  7. VeetotheX

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    Sorry for the late response, I need to get around to checking here more often.

    One that I looked at was www.pridecounseling.com though I didn't actually try it out. They offer weekly video call sessions and you can text the counselor at any time. The base price is $40 per week (billed monthly) but you can fill out a financial aid request and when I did it was lowered to $25 per week for me. I can't say anything on the quality of counseling, but it seems like a good option.
     
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  8. Mihael

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    I’m so sorry you’re still going through the questioning :/

    I’d say that there is always uncertainty. And there is a whole spectrum of gender so it’s not like you’re either clearly cis or trans for many people. I also second that if someone question they’re binary trans, they are probably somewhere on the non-binary spectrum if they decide that transition was not for them.

    Your concern is that you could get fired. Is it realistic? You mentioned someone else trans at work, so probably not. It’s really not that much of a deal to ask for different name and pronouns, most people don’t care much for the gender of their coworkers or friends.

    I would second this. ^ Telling the person you know to be trans is a good start. You could make friends too. You don’t have to become best friends ever, of course, but maybe even casual friends to talk about BS?

    Are you feeling any better by now? :/