EMDR... terrified!

Last week my therapist suggested I start EMDR therapy. She felt it would help with a lot of things. Like my anxiety, self esteem issues, depression, etc. I agreed without really considering what I was doing.

I read the paper work and met with the therapist who will be doing the therapy on Wednesday. It didn’t do much to ease my anxiety around this. I will continue to see my old therapist and just add in EMDR with a new therapist to the mix.

I’ve made it clear I didn’t want to walk through the abuse stuff, I didn’t want to have to relive all it, I didn’t want to examine every thing so closely again... yet here I am about to do just that.

I promised myself earlier this year I’d stop restricting my therapist and start letting them guide me so that’s what I’m gonna do... I mean I’m committed to trying to fix these things.

The thing is I like processing this stuff alone... now I’m going be doing it in front of someone, and to top it off he’s completely new (but I think that’s a positive).

Like I’ve been trying to unlock memories on my own to be ready but haven’t been too successful. I freak out way to easy. Although I do now know why I have to sleep with a top sheet no matter what... the cover on the bed of the third guy who did stuff made me itch so bad when it touched my skin. The first night he flipped it over so the top was facing down, but then every time I would sleep in his bed he’d have a top sheet so the cover wouldn’t touch my skin. Still to this day if a comforter touch my skin I will itch and it’s like it burns me... the therapist said things like that would ease up with the therapy so we we will see.

 

Today was my second session with the emdr therapist... it was interesting to say the least. When I got up to leave my plastic chair was literally soaked because I had sweat so much... this was so embarrassing and weird. I’m not a person who normally sweats like even when I’m exercising. I tried to quickly clean the chair off and he was like... come on calm down it’s not a big deal.

I actually experienced the process. We didn’t go into too much of the details of the “numerous traumas we will discuss” but we did a visualization exercise he said we would use through the process. It was very intense and then he’d ask about things that cause me mild stress in my day to day life and ask for examples in detail then do the visualization thing again. I felt like a lab rat. He took so many notes and it was odd not looking at him during the process. It’s also stressful not knowing what he’s thinking... like am I doing this right?

All in all I will say so far I feel like this process is extremely draining... but the visualization exercise has helped this afternoon when I was getting overwhelmed and all. I’m very interested to see how this is gonna play out.

@Chip the vulnerability thing is something I brought up to him today (thanks for mentioning it because it did remind me). I told him I was very concerned but getting emotional during the process and explained how my feelings on everything that’s happened to me has always come second to someone else. Family illness (it’s not my dad or husband etc.), my abuse (I’ll never know the pain of a mother whose child has been abused) things like that. So I think pointing that out helped today because he’d encourage me to be open and not hold back in the simple exercise. He stressed the importance of being honest and unfiltered now so as we go into the harder things we can really process it.

@SoulSearch it is definitely encouraging knowing others have had positive results. I don’t know anyone who’s done it so I’ve went in blind. That’s terrifying for me lol I’m normally someone who researches and asks and interviews before hand...

 

Yea this doesn’t sound anything like what my therapist is doing. My first session he explained emdr (including the hand thing but said we would not be using that method), I did an evaluation on dialing thoughts and disassociation something (which was funny because two days before I’d literally told mom I’d driven home and had no idea anything that happened from the parking lot to the second dirt road... no red lights or railroad tracks), and then we did an over view of my life events. The second session he put two chairs facing each other but his was out of my line of sight. I looked straight ahead and wore head phones and held the things that vibrate with lights on them. He’d ask questions and such and then through out turn the thing on and I’d hear beeping feel the vibration and the lights flashed like right/left kinda thing. The how do you feel question was only after some very specific topic or subject matter not in just a general way. And he wanted me to be specific too.. not just emotion but like any physical feeling as well.

 

So I’m super late in this post! I meant to do an update last week after therapy but things got so jumbled I just couldn’t. Now here I am staring down another appointment tomorrow. I get so anxious before these appointments every time!

Last week was the first heavy memory we went through. It was my first memory and something I don’t talk too much about. I don’t talk about at all. It has to do with the time dad beat my brother and myself really bad. He was drunk and it was just a horrible situation.

I’m starting to sound like a broken record but it wasn’t what I expected again. We went through the memories several times during the process. It was hard because new little things would come up... I guess feelings I never really processed.

I’m not sure what we are doing tomorrow, but I already need a nap from it!

 

@Chip I have went back and read some of my first posts in the vulnerability thread... something jumped out right away... the lol’s my emdr therapist (I’ll see my normal one tomorrow) made a comment today about my humor. He’s so nice. He said, “have you always used humor to disassociate from negative emotions and experiences?” It was the end of the session and I made an off handed joke about something. Honestly I can’t even remember. I was honest... I mean for as long as I can remember I’ve joked about everything. But I am trying to be more up front and straight forward with my feelings and emotions. I mess up of course and make jokes but I do think I’m being more transparent.

Honestly this process is interesting. I didn’t realize how much guilt I felt about the beating we took from dad till we started unpacking it. It’s so engrained in me that I’m the bad child and all that I just never really processed it I don’t guess. I was also super young, but I felt bad for getting my brother in trouble. Bless his heart he wasn’t use to getting spankings like was so it was super hard on him. But then there’s also the fact that this was the reason mom finally left dad and well that’s a big deal too. There’s just a lot connected to this I never thought about.

I don’t go in to my emdr session with any illusion that I have control of what the sessions going to be like. So I go in blind every time which is what causes such anxiety for me. Next week I’m not sure what we all do but I know during the rest of the week and weekend my anxiety and depression is so much better. The day before and of the session I can crawl out of my own skin, and I’ve told him this. He made a comment about the being out of control makes me vulnerable and I associate that with getting hurt so it’s understandable that’s happening right before the time I go in. Something I just realized though is the last couple weeks I don’t believe I’ve had to take a Xanax because I’ve not had an anxiety attack bad enough to. When I have started feeling one come on, I’m using the visualization from my sessions and that helps a lot too so.

 

Well... it happened! I broke down in front of him yesterday during my emdr session. I hate crying in front of people. But I couldn’t control it... I mean I tried hard.. it started as just the slow steady stream. But before long I had to stop a few minutes because I was like silent sobbing and couldn’t breath....

We started on the memories from the first man who abused me. The whole experience at the baby sitter’s house was horrible. The kids made fun of me because of how I talked and my speech impediment, and I even got in a little fight during play time because of it. Then at dinner I couldn’t have anything to drink till I cleared my plate and they put greens on it which I hated. I was upset and got in trouble and had to sit in corner in front of window a/c unit. Then when it was time to lay down was when I was pulled out and into room away from the other kids. I thought it was my punishment for being bad. That if I was good it would be over soon. They even said I could stay in that room with to watch tv and even have chocolate milk. These are things I never talk about.

I hate that I felt like it was my punishment for misbehaving. I hate that I was able to be cheered up with tv and chocolate milk. I know this process is working cause I’m doing a ton better... it’s just being forced to talk about this shit is horrible.

 

Went to my normally therapist today and she asked how it was going. Told her the truth... I hate it (EMDR). She was worried after our convo I was gonna stop doing it which confused me... it’s definitely working. My anxiety is under control, my depression has gotten so much better, I’m back walking again and doing things I love, I’m excited about the future... sure I hate this but I see it as something I have to do. I have to get through this to move forward. I spent my entire life feeling stuck always blaming it on something right in front of me (my weight, my location, me being closeted) and even those these things have definitely held me back they weren’t the root cause more like symptoms of the problem I guess. That’s how I look at it anyway. So it I survive the process well I feel confident things will be aligned and I’ll be free.

I think I hate it because I can’t lie. I have to tell the truth and can’t avoid the topic. I have to admit it all and that’s not something I want to do... I have to do it and am committed to doing it but I don’t want to.

 

We talked about it yesterday... how much I hated it and how I thought it was helping. She asked how so? I told her I was walking again, caring about what I was eating and wearing, even standing up for myself and using my voice when it comes to problems I’m having with family. These are super positive changes. Plus you can always tell my mental health status by how many times a day I brush my teeth... once I’m in a bad place, twice I’m doing good, three times I’m golden... if I miss it then you better check me in cause me or someone else is in serious danger lol...

I even talked with her about the first abuse stuff which I’ve never done. I figured it was kinda time and maybe would help me work through it quicker. She’s been calling me out on deflecting but I’m starting to listen I guess.

 

So the overall effects of EMDR has been super positive for sure. But right now my mind feels a little jumbled when it comes to the first guy who abused me. I guess I’ve never allowed myself to walk trough these memories and feel these emotions so it is all there and messy. I don’t like a mess. I don’t dwell on it... I mean most of my day I’m totally good but every once in a while a thought will pop in and I’m like damn. Would I be going through that without this process? Probably not. But I also wouldn’t be up and out of my room, not taking Xanax for anxiety attacks during the week, standing up for myself... I mean the good out weighs the bad for sure. It’s just jarring the emotions and feelings I have/had connected in to this situation.

Then I think about the fact I’m gonna do this with the two other guys and I’m like shit... not to mention the other stuff I went through (though I think that will be easier to process). All I can do is keep moving forward.