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How to come out to people without it sounding weird?!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Broccoli, Sep 22, 2019.

  1. Broccoli

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    Heya,

    I realised I was gay about a year ago now, in which time the idea has settled on me and I've just recently sorted out a few things that I felt meant I wasn't fully free to be out until now. I feel kind-of excited about moving forwards but also scared of the unknown. I'm in my early thirties and wondering how people actually do the 'coming out' thing when they're that bit older?! My life is luckily very simple in that area in that I'm not married, don't have any children and have liberal and accepting friends and family that I don't envisage having any issues with it, but it seems weird to bring it up in conversation. It's not like my friends and I are teenagers - always talking about who we fancy and getting into and out of relationships - when it might come up naturally in a conversation, and I don't have a girlfriend to introduce to people which would also be an easy way in. I wouldn't normally talk about sex with my family so it seems particularly weird to suddenly bring it up with them. Maybe I just wait until I have somebody to introduce them to?

    Anyway, finally getting to the question: For those who realised they were LGBT later than say their early twenties, how did you come out to your friends and family? How did it come up in conversation and what did you say? Any thoughts much appreciated :slight_smile:
     
  2. CHARLIE15

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    Hi, Im 33 and actually came out to my family last week. Told my parents first, it was very hard to say the words "I'm gay" out loud to them but I bit the bullet and just said it. They were totally fine plus a weight has been taken off my shoulders now. They were more upset that they felt I couldn't tell them earlier.

    Your situation sounds a lot like mine. Take your time, when your ready your ready but when you are you'll feel great and wonder why it took you so long!

    Good luck
     
  3. Broccoli

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    Thanks @CHARLIE15, and congratulations on coming out to your family :slight_smile:. Did you just say it, or did it come up naturally in a conversation?
     
  4. CHARLIE15

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    I just said it to my dad first and he was fine then I told my mother when she came in. It was hard actually saying "I'm gay" but soooo much better after.

    Your parents will be totally cool with it. They probably even already kinda now, mine did
     
  5. Broccoli

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    I think they'll be fine with it. Well, my Dad will find it a bit weird and probably say something awkward, but they won't love me any less, think it makes me a bad person, have a problem accepting any girl I might introduce them to or anything like that. It just seems super-strange to bring it up given that we don't really talk about that kind of personal thing... I've never discussed 'being straight' with them so why would I suddenly bring up being gay? Am I massively overthinking this??!
     
  6. silverhalo

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    I would say yes and no. Like you say you have never discussed being straight but the reason for this is that, you dont have to say you are straight because you are assumed straight unless you say something otherwise. Deep down it sounds like you know your parents will be ok with it and I was in a similar postition but that doesnt make it easy.
    I think for me certainly it had more to do with my personal difficulties with talking about it rather than other people and their reactions.
     
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  7. CHARLIE15

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    I totally agree with silver halo, I was the one who had the issue with it. Once you've overcome that hurdle you really will be wondering what you were worried about.
     
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  8. Cind Ace

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    I came out later age like 25 . I came out later coz i know i wasn’t ready before then and series of contemplation just smacked me in the head made me realized that i think it is really my time to do it.
    I came from a conservative country and my mom though is super religious . I worked abroad thousand miles away from my mom and my sister.
    I came out to my sister first long before my mom and she told me that i just need talk to mom and so she would hear you and admit to her and at least it would come from me.That day I gathered my courage to do it even if it was an international call ,all i could think is that i needed it to let it out and be honest. It was my day off and i went to my close friend’s house along with my 2 other friends, brought some wine and tequila.
    So i made 3 margaritas for me ,chugged it all and enough for me to boost my confidence and not get drunk and then called her.
    Gosh and she answered and i said can u please sit down whatever you do just stop i need to tell you something important.
    Mom: What is it? Are u okay? ( long pause ) are u pregnant?
    Me: Lol no mom im not and i wont be anytime soon at least not yet lol.
    I sighed so long and stuttered my words “ Im lesbian,im gay. telling her in my language was even clearer to her and i bawled my eyes out.
    My mom’s first response was ,
    Mom: “ Why am u crying, there is nothing wrong i mean are you happy now?”as long as you are happy Im good with it. I know you are tomboy since u were young i thought u have changed but even you look feminine thut u change but i know you since.
    Me: i just bawled my eyes out even more! Lol
    It was just pure joy and emotional though i could still remember every second of it.
    We all have different stories of coming out ,however you do it ,will be your story a good story to be told . Only if you are ready then do it & be always ready for different reactions coz they are not all the same. But what i think is all parents know their kids especially your mom or whoever it is i know they will come around and the rest of the world will follow through .
    Sorry long reply. But i hope you it helps you gain more courage.
     
    #8 Cind Ace, Oct 2, 2019
    Last edited: Oct 2, 2019
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  9. JaymzR1968

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    Hi! This may not be comparing apples to apples but maybe this will just give another way to look at “coming out”...

    I didn’t, for lack of better words, realize and accept that I am gay until I was 36. And it has taken me another 14 years to finally be living life for myself and embracing everything that comes along with being who I truly am (and to be clear, that was completely by choice as I was a single father raising my daughters, and focused my energy and love on that responsibility and enjoyed every minutes of it). BUT, as far as “coming out”, saying the words “I’m gay” - I have saved that for only a select group of people in my life. I’m not hiding the fact that I’m gay, I’m not dating women to try and mislead people around me, or anything like that. I go out, I date and have a couple close FWB’s, but I’m also not finding any purpose in walking up to my sister, or who ever and saying “I’m gay”. And why do I need to t let others define me and put a label on my when my sexuality no more defines me than the fact that I have brown hair and eyes. I wouldn’t do that if I were straight...why would I feel the need to share that I’m gay with anybody who I don’t want it “that circle” of my life? And I certainly don’t want my little sister coming to be and telling me she’s straight - because that doesn’t define her as a person either. It’s just one piece of the puzzle. If, one day I do meet someone that I’d like to pursue a serious long term relationship with, then perhaps I’d find it a valid reason to tell my friends and family that don’t already know so introducing him wouldn’t be a total shock band cause any problems etc But it’s MY sexuality and I choose to include only those who I want it that part of my life, and just simply have not invited the other people in just yet.

    I do share that side of me to some friends and family, but it happened organically - it happened and wasn’t panned etc. wasn’t an announcement. only a simple “hey, Incase you didn’t already know this...” and so on.

    hope this helps - James
     
  10. ladykiki

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    Hi! I was in the same boat as you. I was 33 when I came out to a few close friends, and 35 when I told my parents (for me I didn’t think of myself as out until my parents knew, I don’t know why). Im 38 now. I was terrified, not only because I’m a naturally shy person who hates personal conversations, but because I felt all these people think I’m straight and I’m about to change how they see me. That wasn’t the case, life has went on as normal but I feel so much more relaxed and open with everyone. I also have anxiety and so my brain would run through every worst case scenario when I thought about coming out. I didn’t realise it at the time, but holding a part of myself back caused some anxiety and since coming out I feel like a weight has been lifted. Should also mention I’m single with no kids as well.

    I found it awkward to bring up. I mean, how do you start a conversation like that without it sounding like a big deal? The first few friends I told I started with ‘don’t tell anyone but...’ because I was just finding my feet with it and felt so incredibly vulnerable. I found it easier to talk about if I was busy doing something else (I told one friend when I was driving so I was more focused on the road than her reaction). My oldest friend I met in a bar and started ‘ok listen, I have to tell you something but it’s not a big deal...’ and she was saddened that I felt I couldn’t confide in her, but it’s not that I didn’t want to it’s that anxiety prevented me.

    My parents I had the same approach (‘I have to tell you something...’), and because I was so nervous it took a minute to get it out, my mum thought I’d crashed my car again and my dad thought I was going to tell them I was ill! My siblings I told over a WhatsApp message. We are a family of avoiding awkward conversations and so this was ideal for all of us.

    I had a list in my head of the hierarchy of people to tell before being super casual about it. Now if someone asks if I have a boyfriend I’ll just say ‘girlfriend, and no I’m single’. It’s strange getting used to being open about it after spending so long hiding it and expertly redirecting conversations involving relationships, a habit I still sometimes do. I’ve been so lucky that my friends and family don’t care as long as I’m happy.

    Anyway, sorry, I don’t know how to be less wordy, so sorry for the length, and good luck!
     
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  11. KJmusical

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    I’m in my mid thirties, bi and in a heterosexual marriage so in many ways coming out has felt so odd and unnecessary and optional but for my own well being I’ve found it to be totally necessary. So what I’ve done is made time to be with people one on one, taken some time to preface it with the fact that I’ve been doing lots of introspection and thinking about my identity and have found that it’s important to me that people know I identify as bi. It’s all centered around the subject of self acceptance and not really sexuality. Because yeah, who talks to everyone about their sex life? But when you’re talking about self acceptance of course you want to let people in on that!
     
    #11 KJmusical, Oct 11, 2019
    Last edited: Oct 11, 2019
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  12. Broccoli

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    Thanks very much for your thoughts everyone, and sorry for taking so long to reply.

    @ladykiki, I really like this and will aim to be in the position to use it! I feel like I'm in a really weird situation at the moment because I have 'gay new friends' who obviously know because we met under that banner, although we haven't talked yet about coming out or how recently I figured it out, but all the people I'm far closer too and have known for years (or am related to!) don't know. Bleugh.
     
  13. silverhalo

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    When I was first coming out, I found it was almost easier to come out to new people, there was less embarrassment that I had been lying or hadn't worked it out for so long. I also had less to lose. In my mind, if I told them and they walked away then I didnt lose anything, I just didnt gain a new friend. My long term friends though if they walked away I felt I would lose what we had.
     
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