I came out to my wife last Friday. What a roller coaster ride it has been since. She took it better than I expected. Lots of tears and, understandably, many many questions. She feels foolish. Feels scared. Doesn’t want me to tell others. I can understand that. So I consider this to be step one. Step two will be to become a little more active in the LGBTQ community. There is a small group of gay and bi senior men that have a social group. I think I will start by going to their Monday morning coffee group. I still feel so alone and desperately need a friend with a like mind. Coming out to my wife has not given me much sense of relief. This won’t be an ‘open marriage’ and I’m ok with that. I do, however need friendship. If you have any suggestions that might help me I’d really appreciate it. Many thanks, David
David, I don't have advice, but wanted to offer support. I'm a 31 year old dad, with a 4 year old son. I've been with my wife since we were both 15. We've spent more of our lives together than apart. And I am now coming to the realization that I'm gay, and these feelings won't go away. I've been following your story here on EC, because I'm standing at the top of the cliff, looking down. And I don't know what happens next. I'd love to hear how you worked up the courage to finally come out. I'm also here if you want someone to talk to, who knows what it feels like.
Hi. Thanks for the support. It means so much to me. You wouldn’t believe just how much. I got the courage to talk to my wife by reading the stories of all the men here in EC have been in the same boat as you and I. The common thread I seem to see is that it’s rocky as first but everything ends up ok. Something else I have realized is that these feelings we have can’t be wrong if so many others have them too. I hated having a secret from my wife. We’ve been together since we were 18 (now 54) so similar to you in that regard too. We’ve been together too long to be keeping secrets. That’s how I approached her with it and she appreciated it. Even though the news was hard to hear. Oh yeah, something else I heard a lot was not to rush it but to do it when the time was right for me. It took a while but I knew when the time was right and I just did it. You’ll know too. Please keep in touch and let me know how things are going. It will all work out. It really will. Take care of yourself, David
@David54 and @bigcat31 , my heart reaches out for both of you. The three of us are in a very similar position, but in slightly different moments in our lives. I also married my best friend, for love. Back then, thanks to my beliefs that I could pray the gay away, I thought I could overcome my homosexual urges, because I truly loved her. I still do. But being straight isn't my truth. It isn't a matter of choice. You just can't "fake it til you make it". It doesn't happen that away. Approximately a year ago I came out to my wife. Back then I told her I was bisexual and that I committed to stay with her, because of our strong love and the beautiful family we'd built together. At the moment I thought that, by sharing my deepest and darkest secret with her would be enough to "heal me", since it'd no longer hold me as a slave. I'd be free of the burden. It also didn't happen the way I planned. This year - March, to be specific, for the first time in my life, I acted on my urges. And I must say that, on that day, it became very, very clear the fact that I'm gay. The thing that I tried so hard not to be. But I saw it, crystal clear. I started a battle with myself to decide which path I should follow. Stay married or come out? Tough question, a lot to win but A LOT to lose as well. My depression got worse, I started to see therapists, taking pills, praying harder, asking God, reading about the subject...then I found out in June about EC and, I must add, it's been a true blessing in my life. But still, life's tough. Up to just a few days ago I was this close of killing myself. The pain is unbearable. Sometimes I wish I could just vanish... But I gotta do something. I know my value. And, even though I sometimes may think suicide is an option, it truly isn't. It should never be an option, not only for me, but anyone else. Life is wonderful! I have a beautiful baby daughter who I love in a way I just can't explain. She deserves a happy father. And a happy mother as well. So it's time for me to face my biggest issue. Right now I know what I am. I'm a gay man. I feel very proud and empowered to acknowledge that. But I'm still married. I love her, but I can't give what she truly deserves - and neither can she. I can't unsee or undo what's happened to me. There's no such a thing as "ungaying". I am what I am, period. Now I have to live my truth. So I'm gonna tell her it's over. In just a matter of days. It's gonna crush her heart, I know. It's crushing mine too. If God exists, he knows how I wanted things to be different...how I wish I could just be the husband she deserves. But that's not true. I've always been gay, I just didn't have all the information I needed. But now that I do, I also know that I'll always be gay. I'm probably on the edge of setting myself free. It's gonna be hurtful, but necessary. I don't know if this post of mine is gonna be helpful in anyway. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone in this world. There are others who understand your pain, others who won't judge you. Others who can support you and give you some strength, some advice, even from far. I've found it here on EC. So come here to seek help or just to vent, whenever you feel like it. I wish you guys the best!
@David54 Congratulations (I guess) for coming out. It always seems strange to do this. I know that this is going to be a very difficult time for you. But, you did the right thing and someday it will feel like you did the best thing for both yourself and your wife. Take care.
Thank you. Yes it will be hard for you at first but things will get better. You will have a long and happy life. You deserve it. We all do. Keep in touch. All the best.
@David54 - congrats on your coming out to your wife and completing step one. I like the other having been denying my sexuality and been married for 19 years. Recently, I came out to myself and have since discovered this site and have been doing a lot of soul searching. I love reading everyone's stories it has been very helpful. Good luck on your journey.
(stealing the thread just a bit) And what feelings are those @bigcat31? What means do you use to make an assessment that you are gay?
As to not steal @David54 's thread more than I already have, I created my own here. I'm open to your perspective and explaining where I'm at mentally right now. David, I'm so sorry for taking attention away from your accomplishment. Congrats again on coming out - I hope things are looking up for you today.
No worries. I don’t consider it stealing. More my helping you to make your point. That’s important. That’s whats so great about EC we all are helping one another. Be patient and be kind to yourself. It will all work out. I’m sure if that. Keep in touch.
Congrats David54, I’ve been uncharacteristically quiet on threads like this, sorry about that! I’m glad for you. Yes, it will all work out. I’m one who both knows that from experience, and also is learning I need even more patience for it to get even better. Everyone’s path seems to go better when they take pride in themselves, even as it brings changes.
Congrats David and welcome to the tribe! ️ I can attest that your life will be a roller coaster but in the end, you’ll be living your life authentically and the weight of hiding such a deep fiber of your being will be lifted. Being a gay man isn’t always easy, but it’s so much better being out and being able To lean on a support network of other gay people and allies. We are all here for you, my fellow gay friend!
I think you will find that being out much easier. Not having to hide who you are , always fearing exposure. All those things are gone. Where ever your path takes you at least now it is done from honesty. Embracing your homosexuality is the key step followed by coming out. Best as you evolve into the gay man you are.
@David54 just checking in. How are you? How are things going? I hope you're doing well. I want you to know I'm thinking about you, and look up to you.
Dear David54, You are not alone. There are thousands of gay men who was or is married. Everyday is a new day for your new life. Seek out your local LGBT Center for help or to help. It is hard for wives to understand that all of a sudden their husbands of many years is gay. It took mine a good year to accept it. We are better friends now. We agreed to be nice for the sake of our grown children and grandkids. Give yourself time. Seek out other gay men for coffee. Best Wishes, W
David.....We're here for you David. Ask anything and we'll do our best to answer. If you need to rant...go right ahead! Let us be the shoulder you need to cry on. You are part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care. .....David
Thank you. That’s very sweet. Things are going ok. The initial shock seems to have worn off my wife and the borage of questions is subsiding a bit. I’ve had quite a few days where I’m not sure I’ve done the right thing. On the other hand I’ve had days when I’m absolutely sure I’ve done the right thing. I still don’t feel whole. I’m hoping to connect with a group of ‘Older’ gay and bi men for coffee next Wednesday. I think this will help. I met with my therapist yesterday and that has helped too. I think ‘step two’ is to become more involved in the gay community. (Options are limited here). Thanks for checking in. It really means so much to me and helps me to feel a little bit more ‘whole’. I hope your doing well. Let’s keep in touch. All the best, David.
T Thank you. I really appreciate your support and the support I’ve received from so many EC members. I literally couldn’t do it without you.
