Came out to my husband...but then what to do

Hi,

I’ve been in this forum for almost 3 years, although rarely posting, have been reading some of your life stories and most of you I can relate so much to. I am in my fourties and I always liked girls but it only started to make sense over three years ago when I met a new colleague of mine who is a lesbian. She is beautiful and absolutely perfect. We kissed once after a drunk night at a works do but both (or at least me) pretended that we didn’t remember anything. Since then I was and still am absolutely smitten by her, my heart melts when I see her, you get the picture, I am like a stupid teenager around her. To make things more complicated I am married with two kids. She was in a long term relationship until recently when she split up with her girlfriend. My husband and I had a talk last week, and I admitted to him that I always liked women and basically came out to him. He was hurt but said that he had noticed a lot it my behaviour had changed and he was suspecting something. I told him that I fancy my colleague, and he knows about the kiss too, but I played it down a bit and said that I fancy other women too. And now I am in two ways what to do. Do I at last tell her how I feel and tell her that I am gay and have come out to my husband? Or do nothing. Sometimes she is very friendly with me and we occasionally go out but sometimes she just cuts me out and doesn’t want to go out, but she has a lot going on in her life and she was hurt a lot by the split with her girlfriend too. And if I say how I feel towards her, I fear that she will see me like somebody with a lot of baggage, that might just try something for fun with her. I absolutely adore her and pains me to think to hurt her but how would you view it from another perspective. Am I too optimistic. So many other questions are going in my head and would welcome any advice

Thank you xx

 

Hey, yes you are both right, one needs relationship to end for another one to start. And I would like to explore further relationship with women and my husband knows this, he just still hangs on to the fact that we are still together. And my crush at work doesn’t know how I feel. Her girlfriend split up with her two months ago and that hurt her a lot. But I know she is now back on dating sites.
And sometimes I just think that I will tell her how I feel (as I guess I don’t want to miss my chance now) and she will accept me but in reality I am probably facing a rejection and this is scaring for me. I think if I say anything to her and she says no, then it will be humiliating and equally I will lose her as a friend. Aww, so difficult. another time I think to leave my work so I can forget her but when I see her at work my heart melts, and I can’t help it....
When she was in a relationship I wouldn’t do anything as long as she was happy but now I see a distant opportunity to do something and tell her how I feel or equally to make a complete idiot of myself.

 

It’s just because I won’t like being rejected, especially if she knows that I have kids, even if I split up with my husband, I guess she might not want to be my first, because not everybody does.
I haven’t told anybody else because I know most of my friends through my husband. I live in the UK but I am from another country, quite homophobic and whenever I hinted to any of my friends I hear hate and not much understanding. I only have two people at work, both lesbians, who I can tell and they can be understanding and one of them I am in love with, ahhhh

 

The honest answer is that if it wasn’t for her I would have come out now. I thought as long as she is happy and I don’t tell anyone them things will be ok. But then my husband questioned that my behaviour has changed so much and he asked me if I like women and I knew I better not hide anything anymore. My coming out wasn’t planned to happen now but it happened and now I feel freed.

 

So a little bit of development since me last being here. I went to see a medium, and she was spot on in telling me everything that only I know. She said that I love somebody else and this person is a she(I mean nobody else knows these things). It also turned out that my work crush also went to this medium recently and the medium told her that somebody from her work is into her, but my colleague had no idea who. And this is the downside for me as I honestly thought that she has guessed at least that I like her or is she just too scared to admit it. I’ve just been so upset recently thinking to tell her truthfully how I feel and if she rejects me to find another job as it might be awkward to work together. But then I see her in the office and my heart melts, I am like a teenager, has anybody else felt like this and how did you get over this.

 

We live in a small town and I recommended the medium to my colleague a few years ago and she went recently after her relationship broke up. When I visited the medium after and she instantly said that I like a woman she said that my colleague was with her a few weeks before me and described her how she looked perfectly, and I haven’t mentioned any names or anything.
I also had a bit of a blow today as I found out that my colleague (let’s call her Isa) won’t dates women with kids, and this is a massive blow for me as I was keeping a tiny hope she might like me once I speak to her and tell her about my feelings. Aaah, so down and upset today . I was going to speak to her in the next couple of weeks but this development is stopping me. Anybody been in this situation before, or I just say what I feel and then leave if I get rejected?

 

Well for a start I will more likely need to find another job, and i love what I do at work, but she is not only my colleague but also a manager too, it’s sooo complicated. I found out about the kids situation as I saw it on her dating website profile, as this was under her preferences.

 

Yes, that’s pretty much my plan now, that way I won’t be risking turning her away from me and losing her as a friend at least. And I can’t afford to lose my job as I am the only one working in our family. I mean I won’t get sacked over that but it’s going to be awkward if the feelings aren’t mutual.
Thank you for your advice. I feel freed after I told my husband and came out to him but also so much pain too...

 

Thank you, a lot.
As this is my first proper crush on a girl, and I’ve heard it from a lot of people that you don’t normally end up dating your first crush for various reasons, also some out of the closet girls don’t like to be your first.
I hope I have strength and patience to go through this, as I find Isa amazing, beautiful and gorgeous. One day I think the most sensible thing to do is to simply talk to her and she’ll understand but then she either dismissed my texts or not respond, and I think it’s better not to say anything. There are also health problems within her close family, so she is worried there and I can’t really expect much attention anyway.
As she’s been hurt by the relationship break up, I don’t want to reveal my feelings and either hurt her more and for her to think that I am taking advantage of her, so a delicate situation.