Before the past year, I never considered my sexuality or questioned what was expected of me. I am a feminine woman who would date men. That was what was expected of me. It wasn't until I had what I call a quarter life crisis around 24/25 that I started to wonder.. Then I dated my first ever girl (woop woop) and she has been amazing. I adore her. And holy cow and I attracted to her. But it all made me wonder. How did it take me nearly 25 years to realize I wanted to date a woman!? Once I started dating her and discussing our pasts I remembered something I had completely forgotten about. Telling my mother I liked girls in the 6th grade. I was horrified and sobbing and her response was "you don't like girls, you want to be like them." And since it came from my dear mom I believed it for the next 13 years of my life! Now I'm looking back at all the things I considered as me wanting to be like a girl and realize it was all mislabeled. That was attraction to them. I didn't want to be like them, I wanted to be with them! I didn't want their butt, I wanted to touch their butt! Has anyone else had a slow realization about themselves and their sexuality? How long did it take to figure yourself out? Did anything in particular hold you back from realizing/ accepting that part of yourself?
You are not alone at all in feeling this way. Toward the end of my college years, I totally fell for this girl in my class, and it took me by surprise. At the time, it seemed like that was the first time I'd felt that way about another woman, and I thought that 21 was too old of an age to be questioning my sexuality. But as I read through other people's stories, I realized that a lot of people don't start questioning themselves until 21 or even older, and as I came out to myself more, it was like a flood of repressed memories took over my mind, and I couldn't stop asking myself "how did it take me this long?" Sixth grade was a significant time in discovering my sexuality for me too, everyone in school called me a lesbian, and I realized that in trying to prove to them that I wasn't gay, I couldn't even prove to myself that I wasn't gay. It was so mortifying that I pushed it so far down I almost forgot about it. There are so many memories I have of liking girls, being aware of my attraction to girls, being close to and nearly kissing girls, that I just completely blocked it out of my mind. Only when I realized how much I liked this girl in my college, did I begin to recall all of those experiences, and understanding them. I think it's really important to consider the social norms you've grown up with, and examine the ways they have affected how you understand yourself, and your views on homosexuality. I think there are a lot of women out there right now who, like you, identify as feminine women, who date men, because it's what's expected of them, and they don't think to question it much further. If you haven't looked into it already, there's something called compulsory heterosexuality, which may explain a lot of what you're feeling right now
Thank you!!! I'm going to look that up. And now that you mention it, I had a crush on a girl in middle school and it wasn't really cruel bullying but everyone gave me such a hard time for it that i realized it must not be normal. So I didn't voice it again. They also called me a lesbian in high school but I thought it was just because I didn't date anyone. Or as one guy put it, because it would be hot to see me kiss a girl..
Hey I was in my mid 20's when I realised I was gay. Once I accepted it and looked back it was like it had been staring me in the face pretty much my whole life but I had never seen it. Crazy to think really when you think of the signs you missed.
Yes, there are a lot of us who are figuring out things Later in Life. I figured it out in my 20's, had sex with another guy and realized that for me it was pretty much the same as having sex with a woman. But I really wanted a conventional family life, so I pushed my truth into the background. That what held me back from acknowledging who I truly am. Now in my 60's and trying to repair a struggling marriage, I remember "Oh yeah! There is this thin about me". So @EllisMar , you're way ahead of me! Good on ya! and best wishes.
I thought I would just be with men too and it would be fine, I’d never have to look at the part of me that liked the same sex. BUT then I did and I’m grateful. It’s confusing and messy but now that I’ve faced it, it has opened up a whole door I never thought I’d experience. I want to have a life with a woman. I want to share all those life experiences with a “her!” I’m so grateful to live in a time and country where that is even an option for me!
I don't think it's that unusual, as many of us here can attest. I was married to a man for 20 years before I realized I was gay. Being gay wasn't really an option in my world growing up -- it wasn't discouraged, just not even on the radar -- I didn't know any gay couples and they weren't very prevalent in media, so it never even occurred to me to think about my sexual preferences. I met my husband in high school and married at 22. When I started therapy a couple of years ago to get help working through my feelings toward another woman, my therapist told me that at the age I made the decision to commit to my husband, my brain wasn't even fully developed. That doesn't happen until the 20s, so I made all of these decisions (kind of by default) without really giving myself a chanced to grow up and explore. Even now, the heterosexual lifestyle is so inherent in me I have to remind myself that I'm not straight and it seems strange to me sometimes. There are times I wonder why I walked away from what was a good marriage and then I'm like, oh, yeah, I really like sex with my girlfriend. I like female breasts and vaginas and the softness of a woman's skin, etc. So much. Yep ... still a lesbian.
I didn’t understand or realize my true sexuality until I was well into my 30’s...looking back I can’t say that there are any specific memories or indications that I can now attribute to being gay, BUT I will say that looking back I wish I would have known earlier in life as there are a lot of missed opportunities to experience this at a younger age, and guys I’d have loved to have known differently “wink wink”. No regrets - everything in my life has led me to this point in time and the person I am now and I couldn’t be happier.
I’ve been thinking about what people of different ages have experienced. I only saw a couple older, masculine lesbians before I was in college so I thought you had to be like that to be one of them. I knew nothing. You don’t know what you don’t know, until you know! Ya know? Haha
For me I had turned 50 when the realization hit. With women for all those years until another man triggered what had been buried for a lifetime. Once it was uncovered within a short period time I knew what I wanted for the rest of my life. To be with another man in an emotionally and sexually fulfilling relationship. So I think it is not so strange that it took you a while to realize yours. Good for you it didn’t take as long for you! Enjoy.
My realization was kinda real slow as well and outed myself that took me 25 years to do it. Damn i wish i didnt have to be in that part though where i needed to see it for myself stage with previous relationship with men in particular just to clarify my sexuality but i guess it all happened for a reason. The only thing that holds me back was about full support & acceptance from my family , the whole time i was contemplating right before coming out was agonizing ,just mentally exhausting that id be lying if suicide didnt cross my mind or be shunned or be disown . A lot of things was running through my mind ,all the what ifs and repercussions after. Those i think were holding me back for years before I could even come out.
Yeah I didn’t want to be alive for a while too, it is such a hard time questioning yourself and figuring out who you are and how people will receive you. I was so worried about the future, I didn’t know what it would look like if I showed that hidden part of me. It’s terrifying. I admire people who know from the beginning. My girlfriend was like that, she was out to everyone almost as soon as she knew and she never dated men. She just knew. I guess she didn’t see any reason to hide it. I wonder if that had to do with her being more masculine and people already kind of wondering/ assuming. Where I knew that people wouldn’t expect it from me so I had no idea how they’d respond.
Yeah same here i told my wife how i wished i knew like her when she was younger so i dont have to explain myself further to my people lol We dont need to explain but i mean it would have been much easier really.
