For those of you who had trouble accepting their same sex attractions, but ultimately did...what was the straw that broke the camel's back? And what did it feel like when you did?
I was raised Catholic and went to Catholic school from Kindergarten-12th grade. I grew up surrounded by that community, which included being taught in school that being gay is a sin, wrong, unnatural, etc. I first had what I would later accept as a "crush" on a girl when I was 9, but it took me a long time before I would admit to myself. Since I'm attracted to guys too, I would just brush it off as "girl crush" on a friend. But it got harder to ignore as I went through high school and had no serious feelings for boys that went beyond physical attraction, but I had a series of strong crushes on my female friends. But I went to an all girls high school, so I thought I was just lonely lol I had sort of an internal crisis because I was terrified of being gay. I'd had literally no positive representations of LGBTQ+ people, out of all the authority figures I was supposed to trust and look up to, none of them accepted homosexuality. So I was super in denial about being gay, but deep down I knew. Then I went to college. It didn't take long at all before I had met lots of LGBTQ+ people who were out and proud. It was the first time I met people in my real life who were proof that not being straight did not mean a life of shame and hiding. My sophomore year, so about 2 years ago, I began referring to myself as bi in my head and posting about it online. Then I finally came out to a friend for the first time in spring 2018, and it felt like nothing I've ever experienced. It was my first step to being free. And it's only gotten better! It was a slow process, where I came out to my friends and my sister over the following months. Then this past spring I cut my hair short and came out to my family, which are two things I never thought I would ever be able do! These days I just tell anyone that I'm into girls and it's the most amazing feeling ever. I know that not everyone is fortunate enough to be accepted by their friends and family and that hurts my heart because I want the best for all LGBTQ+ humans. I think about how grateful I am to be loved every day and how much I admire those who are brave enough to express themselves and live their truth, because they inspired me to do so and I couldn't have done it without them. (NOT saying those who aren't very open about their sexuality aren't brave, or that everyone should have to wear it on their sleeve. Just that I had a lot of help from seeing positive examples of openly gay people because I didn't grow up seeing any of that)
I was becoming more and more miserable, my wife knew something was wrong. Something just snapped in my head. One Saturday lunchtime it was like a switched had changed position in my head. So after a few awful minutes of her screaming just tell me. I told her I was gay. 18 months on my life is totally different. I'm finally happy in my own skin at 43.
I was driving myself crazy up until the point where I first engaged in homosexual intercourse. I'd spend my days creating gay dating app profiles, masturbating while talking to guys, then deleting the entire profile, only to recreate it sometimes less than an hour later and do it all over again. I finally went through with the act in January of 2016 and I felt a lot more confident about myself. I still create, delete and recreate gay dating app profiles with a level of extreme OCD, but nowhere near as much as I used to. I think part of me just gets off on ghosting people. But there's a special few who I've met through those apps, if only for hookups. I'm not homoromantic, so I don't want a relationship with a guy at all.
Mine was a really horrible end to a really horrible relationship. It made me questions everything (like existential crisis type of questioning). I dug really deep about a lot of things. My sexuality was one of those things. I finally realized it was something inside of me I didnt want to ignore. It didnt feel immediately liberating like a lot of people say. I was so worried about it. I didnt have much exposure to lesbians so I had no idea what my life would look like. But I trusted and accepted and though I still dont have myself all figured out, I have become so much more comfortable in my skin and have a really beautiful relationship with a woman.
