i have a boyfriend and i think i might be a lesbian

Hey Nat,
I totally get you where u came from. I lived in a heteronormative society too and conservative . Back then it was a hard generation to be open-minded where every person in a close knit society knows everybody . I knew i was gay when i started my childhood as a tomboy and played with my male cousins more than i do with the girls.lol
I never had any crushes with guys before and i wasn’t really attracted to them too but i grew closer when we get along much faster up until highschool. I think it is more of like i enjoyed the company of guy friends before but nothing more than that but some guys were hitting on me already and i started to get carried away especially when society is just how you see it then i start to just follow. But in my mind i still have fantasies for girls than i do with guys but clearly i hid it pretty well and plus i look like straight so nobody really know me inside except maybe my mom but everybody thought i changed from being boyish and just because i look so femme society the rest assumed.
However I couldn’t care less then so i went away went abroad to work and all those years i realized i have been hiding from myself. Though i was with a guy short period of time for me it was genuine and real but we were never that intimate or chemistry is always off for me you know its just something is missing. I know it is not his fault like your boyfriend but i feel like its coming all from me the missing parts that time. I couldn’t figure out til i soul-searched every day of those times and i know for the fact i was in denial as well. I didnt have the chance before to go out there be free and open-minded when my society was so ironically closeted by their own heteronormative ways.
Do you feel like you going to disappoint him and the people around you or the circle of people u have already? I felt bad all the time before that what if i do this or that then other people would stop talking to me or more like shun me from my family or what ,thats why i hid for little awhile.
But the more i kept it with me the clearer it gets to me like I needed to be real to myself or i might not be able to provide myself happiness other than always pleasing others before me.
There’s nothing wrong being bi or what label we have now but if you really want to find out more of yourself ,you need to think a bigger picture of what makes you HappiEr or makes u feel alive. for example ; If you get out of this limbo of finding sexuality,think who makes you happiER?would you see yourself to be with a man or more with a woman? Believe me it helps a lot to me to clarify and please ask me anything too Nat, Im not expert but i know how you feel and it is frustrating as hell to find out . Ive been there and hopefully youll find what youre looking for your whole life.

 

Thats okay i ramble too lol,we even.
I understand and yeah u have to be cautious too esp whoever around u can be judgmental or homophobic if they knew it’ll be hard for you . Rather be safe than sorry . Oh no ask right away theres no judgment on my end ive been there so i feel you. So yeah I knew that im a lesbian , i was in denial when i know the fact of my society i grew up in is not open-minded and i thought it is impossible too to have same sex couple relationships before than how it is now.
Since then i fantasized of being with a girl but i couldnt come out yet not until i was so sure of myself when i worked in FL and i had my ultimate crush on someone i worked with and i knew i had never felt like it to anybody before. That time i had a bf only with him 6mos but i felt bad coz I dont feel excited i feel like when im with him its like a guy best friend u want to hang out kinda feeling rather than what i felt to someone i wanna just cuddle the whole day or intimate.
It was kinda hard Nat coz i know the time will come that i have to admit it sooner rather than later.Though that time i wasn’t so confident enough to come out yet and i want to come out to my family before telling him but I ended our relationship and it became mutual decision that he lost the spark with me too. I didn't tell him then that i have feelings for women and seem betraying him but genuinely we just didnt click at all in a lot of ways we are so different. When i finally confessed and admitted to my family hell break loose that day and the few weeks and months went so fast,I felt so free ,its like weights been lifted from my shoulders. Eventually i told my closest friends,and even told him about me ,we had dinner the two of us for closure since and that i told him i didnt make myself a lesbian just one day process and not because of how we broke up or you but it is just about me finding my own and it has always been with me.We are friends but i stayed away just to move forward and for him too.

 

Oh man this is so comforting. I just got on this site and this is the first thing Im reading, its so relieving! I've felt like such a weirdo but I'm not the only one dealing with all this!

 

Hey you, haha i know right we are not alone and at least we can vent out whatever we want. Welcome to the forum as well.

 

Soooo how long did it take you to figure yourself out?

 

I came out when I was 25 not long ago im just 27 but that age i know i was sure of it to be out, its been a long wait and long time of soul searching i might say but it bought me some time to prepare myself too and to come out is not an easy thing to do i tell you that on my part. How bout you?

 

I haven't figure it out yet. I'm probably more like Nat up there with not really knowing what I am and not wanting to be out to other people if I don't even know myself. I wouldn't know how to answer questions about it. But I grew up without seeing many lesbians and the ones I saw were very masculine and much older, which didn't fit with how I am. And my mom told me I wanted to "be like girls" when I told her I liked them in middle school so I just went with that for a LONG time. I had to do a lot of soul searching too. Then I finally moved to a different area and went on my first girl date and have dated her for over a year. Im glad I didn't chicken out like I thought I would on that first date because holy crap women are as hot to be with as I imagined haha

 

But I did date a guy before that. Super religious too and I read all these books and tried to believe what he believed. He made me feel like sex was a dirty thing and I was dirty to have it with anyone but him (all while he cheated on me over and over again). Bad relationship all around. Now I'm more mixed up about sex than ever but don't feel dirty about it anymore, just confused!

 

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It is okay whether you go with label or not. It doesn't matter i think for me im open-minded to all, what matters is what makes you sleep at night or what makes u comfortable or just happy about.
Oh yeah my country too its just a stereotype when they say lesbians you’ll see only the butch ones not like us femme or bi or whatever label now.
Hahaha yeah same here gosh its just fun ,sexy and hot to be on a date with a girl. I dont feel scared to open up more when im on a date with women than i do most with men before. Maybe it does comes in territory. Lol

 

Ow wow im sorry you had that experience . Gosh he played you real good on that and him being hypocritical. Good thing that is done at least he is not using you anymore.
What are you most confused about now?

 

I think I was more nervous on a date with a girl, at least before I got there. Guys are easy, I didn't have to try. I went on a lot of dates when I was I first graduated and moved for work. All with dudes, none past two dates. I met them all on Bumble and I would tell myself I was switching to the girl side just to see what pics they put and what they had in their bio. haha DENIAL! I would swipe through and check them out and then get so nervous I'd switch back to guys. It makes me laugh now.

 

And i have dated like 2 guys before i met the first girl . It was also more of like he used me for just intimacy sake and he was just stuck up with life and i didn’t like it at all ,nobody likes to be objectified . The other one was fine and gentleman but we just had lots of uncommon traits we didnt click at all and like i said we like hanging out buddies and i fell out of love.

 

Like I don't know what I am. I dont need a label for anyone else, I just want to know for myself and I don't. I've dated my girlfriend for a while but am still not out to many people, just a few close friend, my sister and my mom. Part of the reason is I just dont know what I would say to anyone or why my sexual preference is anyones business. I know I liked having sex with a guy but I wonder if that was just because I was sexual and I thought a guy was the only option? When I finally accepted that I liked girls I got super sexual, like I only think about girls and fantasize about them. But it's not just sexual, I like everything about girls. I apologize if this is TMI! Its confusing! I guess I'm still letting my wall down and trying to make sense of the feelings.

 

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Thats hilarious when you switch back again just to avoid lol yeah i find it a bit equal though dating either of the sex. I mean the problem with guys most of the time they dont really know how to express much ,certainly not as expressive as women . I love how i talk to a girl whos very confident not boastful but just comfortable the way she is . But before i stop or barely go to gay clubs only when my gay friends going and bored of the night then i tag along but gosh so hard when im a femme taggin feel like just a wingman assumed to be straight all the time and i myself has a broken radar when it comes to femme lesbian like me i could not tell them apart u less when i talk to them or interact then id know more.

 

I've never gone out to gay places! Or had lesbian friends! I think thats why I was searching for a forum so I could find people like me. I would love to have more experience but this is still pretty new to me. I didnt get the experience of dating girls, I just dated one and fell for her. I dont regret that at all because she is amazing but I wonder if I would have figured myself out by now if I had dated around and experienced the whole lesbian culture.

 

Yes you are definitely right. Me too i dont share much about me when i dont owe someone my sexuality for them to know nor seek approval from other friends just to make them stay with me. As long as you are comfortable the way you are that is good.
Me too i dont feel very sexual towards men before like even if i wanted to but i couldnt get pass it but for them of course they had their pleasure but me I get more from girls though. Back then when we just started dating me and my gf she used to ask me what was wrong before with my past relationship and told me we should be able to talk to whats wrong so we know how to react on that intimacy level and since then it was just disarmingly beautiful & liberating experience with her.

 

I only dated one girl too my whole life and now i cant believe she is my wife . Gosh this is so weird but we and Nat up there are the same in some ways. I never go to places before only when i go with my gay friends . Yeah i wonder sometimes too. It is like i wanna experience the L word out there lol

 

Yeah! I am open to talking about it and want to feel open and comfortable. With guys I could feel turned on but felt guilty too and like I didnt really want to be doing that. My gf is not so open. She has way lower libido than me and it becomes a problem when I bring it up. That has been confusing for me too. I finally get to date a girl and I'm so attracted to her and then she very rarely wants to have sex! We are so close with everything else. And even intimate in a lot of ways but often times when it could become sexual, its like a no go zone.