Before I realized I was gay, I had almost no awareness of homosexuality. I knew kids called each other "faggot" as an insult, but that didn't mean much. Like "motherfucker," it didn't seem to be taken literally. I occasionally heard mention of gay people in the news or the media, but they seemed as alien and irrelevant to my life as some obscure African tribe with plates in their lips. I was 18 when I first experienced homosexual fantasies, and I believe I went into denial immediately as a self-protective mechanism. A guy I knew said he had a crush on me, and I politely said I wasn't interested. But it was the first time I had ever considered the possibility I might be gay. Shortly afterwards, laying in bed alone, I found myself overcome by the desire to be penetrated. The feeling was terrifying, alien, intense. I couldn't handle the idea that I might be gay. It was like a grenade that could explode at any minute. Being gay was the WORST THING EVER. It wasn't an option, under any circumstances. It would make me a target. It would legitimize all the isolation I felt -- I truly was different. It didn't even make sense: I'd had many crushes on girls, enjoyed sex with women, and in fact, getting laid (with girls) was my highest priority at the time (although I was mostly unsuccessful). So began an internal conflict which persists to this day. I've learned a lot and no longer feel uncomfortable around gay people. But I am not comfortable with my own gay feelings. They are still totally compartmentalized. Sometimes it feels like I have a split personality. The cost of this conflict has been very high. I've lost years of wasted time, slipped into alcoholism and drug abuse, lost relationships, missed career opportunities, spent enormous sums on therapy, and generally failed to fulfill my once promising potential. Right now I am trying not to be judgmental, just reporting the facts of my experience. I very much want to be understood, and to understand myself. I want internal peace and the possibility of experiencing joy, as I've read in many coming-out stories. But I am still afraid to embrace that part of myself; honestly I don't even know how to do it. I am very self-conscious about writing these long posts: I feel that I am imposing upon the EC community with my endless, repetitive introspection and negativity. But I suppose if you don't like it you can just ignore it. It's helpful for me to write so I'll keep doing it until someone tells me to stop.
I understand how you feel. I've been a member of this site for over 4 years and seldom post anything about my own struggles. It feels selfish to draw attention to myself. But I think alot of those feelings stem from our desperation to "fit in" like maybe if we don't impose on others, if we don't ask for help, then maybe somehow we won't be seen negatively. It seems alot of closeted people have that "people pleaser" personality, so we often forego our own needs/wants in the service of others. I also understand the lamenting of lost time, and the decline into substance abuse. I was 13 heading into 1990 and remembe being so scared of the AIDS crisis, feeling like I CAN'T be gay because I will get AIDS and die if so. I also currently struggle with my alcohol abuse. I've spent the better part of 10 years staring into the bottom of a bottle. It is sad how much we can beat ourselves up over something that is ultimately out of our control. I've pretty much made peace with myself over my sexuality, but also realize that's a bit easier when you simply don't socialize at all. I'm a single parent and honestly my life is nothing but work and home. However you can get there, try your best to reach some sort of acceptance with all of this, the more the that goes by, it only gets harder and fills your soul with j more regret over that lost time. I'm not good at writing alot of stuff out either (short attention span), but if you'd wanna chat about nothing, feel free to message me.
This is the type of self reflective process you need to continue as you get your head around things. I think identifying the events that triggered your internalized homophobia feelings will go along way on your road towards self actualizaron. I am curious, are you sure there was not one event where you felt personally attacked even if the attack was not directly aimed at you? Your talking about generalities, but is there something else there that you may be holding back from yourself?
Interesting question. I know you meant "personally attacked" in relation to being gay, but the first thing that comes to mind is something else. In elementary school, one of the aides that kept an eye on the kids during recess was a middle aged Russian woman who I suppose reminded me of my mother or grandmother. One day a couple of kids got angry at her for disciplining them and gave her the finger behind her back. I saw this and suddenly felt overwhelmed by rage and helplessness. I think I instinctively wanted to protect her and felt that I couldn't. I've often felt a strong protective instinct for women, in particular my ex-wife, and a deep sense of failure when I couldn't protect them. There were certainly episodes where I felt attacked or bullied, but it always seemed to be about my nerdiness and weirdness, not so much about gayness. I've occasionally read stories about terrible things happening to gay people and have identified with them. I wasn't as broken up about Matthew Shepard as other people were; I felt that he foolishly put himself at risk. I remember being moved by Paul Monette's "Becoming A Man," and another book called "A Pebble in His Shoe" by the ex-wife of a troubled, closeted man. That one really hit me hard because although he left her to live a gay life, he seemed unhappy and longed to be back with his home and family. I can't recall anything in my life that seemed like a trigger for internalized homophobia. Homosexuality wasn't looked down upon -- it simply didn't exist. Which coincides with how I felt about it: an alien presence that came out of nowhere and took over my mind and body.
I am not convinced such an event needs to be specific to sexuality, which is why I generalized to say “personally attacked”. Whatever events that might cause a person to have diminished self esteem, self worth or self respect can creat a barrier limiting ones ability to have the confidence to embrace their sexuality. As I reflect on my own journey, I was equally puzzled as not having been exposed to any significant amount of direct homophobia aside from such homophobia reflected in the mainstream heteronormative script (which in of itself is quite powerful to cause people to suppress their sexuality). As I peeled the onion, I realized many small events impacted my self esteem and self worth, and with diminished confidence I was unable to embrace my sexuality and rise above the heteronormative script.
I think it was a great post and definitely keep writing all you want. I too somehow missed (ignored perhaps) the memo on the existence of gay people and the meaning of gay as being attracted/romantically interested in the same gender. How did you first learn the accurate definition of gay/homosexual and at what age? I'm curious about wanting to be penetrated you mentioned. Do you recall if that was purely of your own imagination or had you heard that anal sex was something that gay men did or how did that come about? I didn't know it could be an enjoyable activity until much later. Prior to that I had heard jokes about don't drop the soap in the shower, which is about rape, and of course shouldn't be joked about. I remember the term poop-dick being incorporated into a song by some high school guys, not directed at anyone, but supposedly a humorous phrase, although it didn't make sense to me why poop would be on a dick. Fudge-packer is another term I remember, but don't know when I first heard it or how it was explained. All of this was negative jokes, insults and such just like how gay was used as an insult. None of that had anything to do with consensual sex between men or that men could be in love with each other though. Anyway, just some thoughts about what you wrote and how these experiences are pretty common no matter where we grew up.
