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Sexually confused, dishonest, and in pain. Worried about my wife and son

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by bigcat31, Sep 19, 2019.

  1. bigcat31

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    Hi EC.

    I signed up just to write this post - I am having a severe bout of depression and am in a really dark place because of my sexuality, my past, and the lies that I've told my wife to stay in the closet.

    I am hoping that by writing this, I can relieve some of the pain that I am going through while waiting for the first therapy session of my life next week.

    Growing up, I always knew I was different somehow - I never really fit in with a group of guys that would single out a woman for being attractive. However, I do remember "youthful noticing" of guys in locker rooms, etc. However, I always dated girls.

    I first met my wife in high school, when we were 15. I was attracted to her energy and we became great friends with each other. We continued dating for the entirety of our high school careers. She was the first person I ever had sex with, and we really connected. We went at it like rabbits throughout our teens.

    After we graduated at 18, I became more curious about men and decided to have a face-to-face meeting with one that I met online behind my wife's (then girlfriend's) back.

    The man that I met with was very kind, and patient. He seemed to understand me and we had an instant connection. That night, he and I mutually masturbated and I definitely enjoyed myself. I slept at his place because we were up so late.

    The next day, my online friend got a call from the state police looking for me. My parents didn't know where I was, and the police sought me out. They told me that I should drive home immediately and that my girlfriend and family were looking for me. With tears in my eyes, I hugged my friend and drove home.

    When I got home, my parents sat me on the couch and interrogated me. "Why did you do this?" "Why did you lie about where you where?" I told them that I was very confused, but that I thought I might be gay. They reacted by telling me that I should immediately break up with my girlfriend (but that I shouldn't tell her the truth about my encounter), and that I was banished from seeing my friend again. They told me that I could figure things out in college after I left the house, and that I clearly needed some time to figure out what would make me happy. They then sent me away for a week with my aunt and uncle.

    When I got home, my girlfriend kept coming around - she needed closure. She wanted to know why our relationship was ending, and what was wrong. I couldn't give her a good answer - and I can't even remember what I told her. I just know it wasn't the truth. Over the next couple months, she showed me more emotional support than anyone else. We resumed our relationship, and went to college together.

    We've had an excellent relationship together. We married at 22 and have a 4 year old son who is the light of my life. We've traveled together, bought a house, and are generally well off. She is a passionate, caring person and an excellent mother.

    However, I've never been honest with her since she initially asked me. And sometimes, I still feel very strong fantasies about men. When I get my urges, I use gay porn as a crutch - and recently, I've been using it more and more, despite how sexually active I am with my wife. Every couple years, she has caught me with gay porn in some way - and each time, I deny it (poorly) because I don't want to hurt her. It's been about 5 years since this has happened, but I'm still using gay porn and I have completely compartmentalized this part of myself.

    Late last week, something in my mind snapped. I realized that even if I am not gay, I haven't allowed my wife to know me. That she is now bound to me by a child. I am reeling in regret for not just telling the truth, and continuing to lie up to this point - and then I feel guilt for realizing that if I had, my son would not exist. I see no positive way forward in my life.

    I do not know what I want. I do not know who I am. I love my wife and son. I don't see any way to make things right. I am having a complete mental breakdown, and am sitting at my desk at work doing nothing.

    The timing of this revelation could not be worse - we are going on an international trip with my parents in 3 weeks for 12 days. I have been faking happiness at home, but she knows something is wrong. I am slipping, and I'm not sure I can keep going. If I need to come out in some way, I need to wait until after this trip.

    I've scheduled a therapy session as soon as I could, and in the meantime, I'd appreciate any advice anyone could give to help me get my shit together in the short term, and make things right in the long term.
     
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  2. I'm gay

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    Hey bigcat31,

    Welcome to EC! So many of us know exactly what you're going through because we have lived it too.

    I came out to my wife and kids just three years ago after 20 years of marriage. Like you, I knew that I had gay attractions but could just never get to the true realization that I was gay. There was just this disconnect between knowing that I had sexual thoughts and feelings for men and actually identifying as gay. I also compartmentalized "the gay part of me." That's how I thought of it - that there was a gay part of me. As long as I was able to put that part away in a box, then all was well.

    Unfortunately, you've opened the Pandora's box of self identification. You now truly see yourself as gay. And also unfortunately, you can't go back into that blissful state of denial any longer. So, what to do?

    First, take a deep breath. You've been hiding all these years, you can tolerate a little longer for this trip. Nothing needs to change immediately.

    Second, it took many many years to get to this point, do realize that it will take years longer to change things.

    Third, please understand that marriages fail all of the time for all kinds of reasons. There is a way forward just as there would be a way forward if your wife got cancer and died, or if she decided she didn't love you any more and wanted out. I know it's hard for you to see the way forward right now, especially because you are wracked with guilt, fear and shame. These are the things you will need to work on in therapy.

    Ultimately, I would suggest that with therapy you can reach a better place than you are now, but please try to relax, enjoy your vacation, and know that your brain's doom-and-gloom scenario-making is just the fear talking to you. Fear has a way of catastrophizing everything, making it all appear much worse than the reality is likely to be. I did that too. My experience in coming out was way better than I feared. There is a way forward, just a step at a time.

    Please continue to interact with us here, it will get better.
     
  3. bigcat31

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    IG,

    Thanks for the response.

    Honestly, I'm not doing great. Every single day, I've been drinking heavily to try to ease the burden I'm feeling right now. I'm a few glasses of wine in right now. I don't know how I've went this long as I did - before last week, everything seemed fine as it was. All of a sudden, it is like time is moving in slow motion. I'm painfully aware of the hole that I've dug myself into, the web of lies that has consumed the people around me.

    My wife gave me so many chances to come out before we had a child. I can think of more than 3 times when she caught me in some sort of situation where I did not cover my tracks (pornography, chats, etc) well enough, but then accepted my denial.

    I am so ashamed - I don't want to be gay. I feel like I am defective. I want to be my son's father. I want to be a husband. I want to be the man that I am supposed to be. My thoughts are the darkest they've ever been.

    Over the weekend, someone in my family asked my son what he wanted to be when he grew up. He looked at me, his eyes beaming and he said; "A daddy. I want to be an artist, and a daddy." It took everything I had not to fall apart, knowing that I was sitting on information that will eventually harm him and tear my family apart.

    It turns out there was a misunderstanding about the therapy session, and it is actually for next Tuesday. I have to wait another week before I can talk to someone. I've barely eaten since my breakdown. I want my family to enjoy this vacation so badly, and yet, when my wife smiles at me, I feel nothing but shame and remorse.

    I'm not even sure why I am writing all this. I just have no one to confide in. I feel nothing but shame and hurt knowing that I let myself think that putting others' needs before my own was somehow noble - and now I'm reaping my "reward".

    Can you tell me more about what made you decide that you had to come out? What happened? I'm trying to understand how to move forward but I don't want to lose access to my son...
     
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  4. I'm gay

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    bigcat,

    The prelude to my coming out happened sort of similar to you. I "snapped", as you put it, and awoke. That snap, I think, was the last of the denial falling away. For me, I awoke the day following the Pulse nightclub shooting. I suppose it could have been anything that was the trigger point, and for me it just happened to be Pulse. Over the following week after Pulse I had my breakdown. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, I was filled with anxiety and depression. I lost 15 pounds in the weeks surrounding my coming out. Finally, 8 days after Pulse, I came out to my wife.

    Regardless of how we become "awoke" and now fully aware of our being gay, the important part is where to go from here. One of the difficulties in advising you is that I don't know you, or your wife or family, or your general circumstances in life. What worked for me might not necessarily work for you. With that in mind, and in no particular order, I will offer the following thoughts about my coming out, and hopefully it may help you.

    - I also had the same fears of destroying my family, and harming my kids (I have two boys). I thought that everyone would hate me and I would end up alone, shunned by my family and hated by my kids. Of course, none of this happened. I didn't destroy my family, I wasn't shunned, no one hates me, and I still have a great relationship with my kids. These fears that are talking to you are just your fears - they are not reality. Your fears have the ability to "catastrophize" every possible scenario of your coming out.

    - Coming out was difficult. Perhaps the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. The process of coming out took over my life for the better part of two years before things seemed to settle down into a new normal. The initial coming out is the most difficult - your wife, children, parents, siblings, other family, friends, etc. It's a lot to handle. But it is navigable.

    - You don't really see it right now because you are still mired in shame and guilt, but you won't feel this way forever. You will need to work on forgiving yourself, even if right now you don't feel worthy of forgiveness. The toxic feelings of shame prevented you from being honest with yourself at a young age, and you made a terrible choice because you felt you had no other options. Did you willingly deceive your wife, family and friends? I'm guessing you did not. You acted out of desperation. This doesn't mean that you are blameless, but it does provide context and understanding on how this happened.

    - You are your son's father. You will always be your son's father, whether or not you are married to his mom, whether or not you live with him. Your son will grow up with a gay dad, and at his age, all he will really know is that dad has always been gay. If you separate/divorce your wife, you need to insist on 50/50 custody.

    - Yes, this will be a big blow to your wife. There's just no getting around that and you will have to own the pain you will be causing her. There are lots of resources for straight spouses, as well as therapy, so there's a great chance that she can recover from this very well and move on with her life (hopefully with you as a co-parent and friend instead of husband.) It has been over 3 years since I came out. My kids, their mom, and my boyfriend work well together, eat dinner together frequently, travel together, and generally at peace with the whole thing. While I can't promise you that my experience will be your experience, it doesn't necessarily mean you will have doom and gloom either.

    - Both you and your wife deserve to be happy, to be in a relationship that is fulfilling to each of you in every way, and to make whatever changes you need to make in order to be happy. If you won't look out for your own happiness, who will? I know the pressure you're under to be the "man" and suffer for the sake of your family. I know that feeling well. I totally believed that I had made my own bed and now had to lie in it. I felt that I deserved my misery after what I had done. I understand these feelings you have, such as "What right do I have to put my own desires above the needs of my family?" or "I knew I wasn't totally straight before marrying, so I just need to suck it up because I made this decision." or "What happens if I come out and I'm just as unhappy?" I suspect you've said all these things to yourself. Remember, this is all just shame and fear talking to you, keeping you paralyzed.

    - You don't want to be gay. Yeah, I know. I didn't want to be gay either. It's how we got into this in the first place. You haven't yet reached the stage of being proud of being gay. It will come in time. For now, just understand that you never did have any control of being gay. You just are. It doesn't really matter if you want to be or not. I convinced myself that I didn't have to "be gay" simply because I conceptualized being gay as a teenager as something I "did" instead of something I "am." In other words, I reduced my sexuality to physical behavior instead of a whole identity. Therefore, as long as I wasn't acting gay, I wasn't gay. That was so wrong, but I didn't understand that at the time.

    - Your wife may already know, or at least suspect, that you are gay. You mentioned being caught with gay porn. Your wife might be in complete denial, just as you were, or she may have some understanding of the situation already. Be prepared for either to be the case.

    I don't know if you can hold out until after the vacation. I hope you can because it will certainly make the vacation very difficult if you and your wife are dealing with coming out at the same time. If you can, try to hold on, fake it as best you can, and know that all of us at EC will still be here after the vacation to help you through this journey. Remember, coming out is a process, it's not an event. It takes time, and navigating all of this will take lots of time. So, if you can, try to let all this settle down, resume your life, continue talking with us, and work on a plan for moving forward.
     
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  5. JToivonen

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    @bigcat31 , I know EXACTLY what's like to be in the situation you described. I told you more about myself on the other posting, but I can assure you that this massive burden, guilt, pain, anxiety and pressure will eventually subdue. I've been there and not long ago. And, even though I'm still married, now I have a clear view of what I am, what I want and what is best for everyone else involved (me, my wife and my baby daughter).

    You're starting therapy, which is good. It'll help you immensely! But let me give you some advice: dive in full hearted in it. Don't make the same mistake I did: ten years ago, when I was still single, I started therapy, but I was so scared of being gay that I never mentioned anything regarding my sexuality to the psychologist. I spent two years avoiding the subject, because I wanted it to disappear. But it only got stronger.

    So a few months ago I started therapy again and, this time, I told my therapist everything. Every single thing. And now I'm making progress.

    Wish you all the best and feel free to contact me if you wish!
     
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  6. out2019

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    Porn is highly addictive and doesn't reflect real life sexual urges, its made to hook you in, addict you, and like a drug requires escalation -so let it define you and try to find another 'crutch' but one that will actually help you.
     
  7. Kiryen

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    bigcat,
    I eally wish I had time to write more right now, because I don't want this to sound like its about labels, but you sound (to me at least) more bisexual than gay.

    I say this because your story has similar aspects to mine, and I am definitely bi (not gay) with a similar attachment to my wife and kids but also with a very conflicted attraction to other guys.

    Again, I apologize for the brevity of this post and the label-oriented nature of it, but my point is it's not a choice between gay or straight. Your wife sounds like a very loving woman who cares about you very much, and seems (based on what you wrote) likely to understand why it's been so hard to tell the truth. I feel like you're in a very hard place, but just a little courage will pull you through to a much better one!
     
  8. bigcat31

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    @I'm gay I can't thank you enough for your last response. It amazes me that someone who has never met me can care so much to take that sort of time out of their day. You've really helped to calm me down - I realize now that things can turn out OK, and that even though I might not have control of the exact circumstances, I do have control of the outcome. I feel like I can make it. Thank you so much.

    @Kiryen I'm not sure. I've chalked it up to a couple things (especially not feeling especially fulfilled), but I think maybe there are other factors at play that are complicating my emotional state. I'm hoping that starting therapy will help me to sort things out, but I'd love to talk to you more to see how we align. Thank you.

    @out2019 Thanks for your perspective. I am going to stop using porn altogether and see how that affects me. Your post made me realize that I'm 30 now, but have probably been addicted to porn since I was 13 or so. I'm struggling to connect with anyone right now - maybe that's why.

    @JToivonen Thanks for the encouragement! I read all of your threads before deciding to post here myself. I'll keep you updated on how the therapy goes and what progress I make. I saw your post on David54's thread and appreciate the connection.

    I'm finally getting some time to myself, sitting in a coffee shop working this morning, and I'm feeling pretty good for the first time in a week or so. Thank you all so much for your support.
     
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  9. Chip

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    To be fair, the research shows that porn is highly addictive and requires escalation in a small subset of the population. That population is, not coincidentally, the same population that is generally prone to other types of addictions as well. If it were truly incredibly addictive, then pretty much everyone in the US under 40 would be addicted... and they aren't.

    That said, I agree with out2019 that in general, porn isn't terribly helpful, as it isn't an accurate depiction of what sex is, and it is engineered to create excitment and arousal that's stronger, in some cases, than real sexual experiences are, which is why it's addictive.

    Few people are actually addicted to porn. (There's a set of criteria for that which I won't go into here.) Most commonly, they're habituated to it, which is very different. Masturbating without porn may seem boring or not particularly arousing. But that will change pretty quickly (within a few days) of doing so without using porn, and within several weeks, you begin to reset arousal patterns. Addiction is a lot more serious and takes more time to overcome, but, again, is pretty rare.
     
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  10. Kiryen

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    @bigcat31 I'd be happy to talk; I can lay out what I mean much better if I can get some time to type it out. (Homework... OMG) Please send me a PM and remind me.
     
  11. Chip

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    Unfortunately, since both of you are regular members, you won't be able to PM, but you can send wall messages to each other (there may be a minimum number of 10 posts to gain wall access; I can't remember), and, of course, you can continue to communicate here in the forums.
     
  12. bluehorizon

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    Hi, BigCat -

    Your story is well told. I think one piece of good news that nobody has mentioned yet is that, while your situation seems all-engulfing right now, because you're in the midst of it, life does go on. One day, your present crisis will seem very far away. Me, I well remember what it was like to be married, and then finally figure out, at 27, that I am gay, plus the handful of years of turmoil following my coming out... but all that was over 40 years ago. It seems distant now, and it will for you, too, at some point.

    So what's important right now, as "I'm gay" says above, is where you go from here. It's about more than today's crisis, it's about knowing who you are and making decisions/building an authentic life consistent with that. (A therapist can help you strip away what's merely guilt.)

    The other comment I wanted to make, again echoing "I'm gay"... I'll bet your wife already knows. She's caught you with gay porn how many times now? Whatever feelings she might have if and when you come out to her, one of them almost surely will be, "so that's what that was about!" (As I think you'll agree, the mind is wonderfully powerful at suppressing things it wishes not to confront.)

    Good luck to you. I'm looking forward to your updates.
     
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  13. Rade

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    Hi BigCat
    A lot of us guys have been in your position. It's the most difficult decision we ever make. I was married 16 yrs and with her altogether 20! But at 42 the light switch literally switched in my head. Something literally snapped inside me. She knew I was unhappy, and eventually i told her I was gay. My youngest child out of three was only five. I moved out six months later.
    If you decide to come out and eventually leave. I'm sure you will still be an amazing father. I'm actually a better father to my children after leaving! And they can't wait to see me a few days each week.
    You have to follow your heart and soul, all we ever really want is to be happy in life. I'm still trying to find a decent guy and eventually get married. We all have to have hope for the future. Wishing you luck with whatever you decide to do, big hugs x
    Jon x
     
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  14. TrevinMichael

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    Each situation is unique. Nothing about life is easy.

    I hope you are doing okay.

    There are many ways to look at any situation.
    Society pushes an agenda that may not be that healthy.

    I have my thoughts on things, but they are mine. We all get
    to where we are going with the thoughts that are in our own head.

    I really hope you find a place to be that is good for you and your family.

    TM
     
  15. bigcat31

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    All,

    Thanks so much for your support. It means so much to me. I am seriously humbled by your responses to my grief.

    I have to admit, things don't feel like they are getting any easier. Because of my looming trip, work has been super stressful. I've been skipping sleep to catch up on projects. I've also continued drinking, which isn't helping - but I'm doing anything I can to get relief. I'm starting to feel like the muscles in my back just will not relax, its as if my 'fight or flight' reflex has been triggered since my initial post and it just will not go away. I'm having such a hard time acting "normal" around my wife and son.

    I saw a therapist on Tuesday. I talked through how I came to question my sexuality, and the guilt I was feeling around it. She shared with me that she divorced her first husband because he discovered he was gay. I'm hoping her perspective can help me make the right decisions going forward. An hour didn't feel like enough time - I can't wait until my next session. I didn't realize how lonely I feel - when I left therapy, I realized again that no one actually knows me or likes me for who I actually am.

    I'm having such a hard time keeping up with work, because I can't stop dwelling on my situation - I'll just search and Google and read all day long in an attempt to get some perspective. Either way, I'm doing my best to stay calm until after my trip, when I can decide what to do next.

    This will be my last updated until I get back, around the end of October. Thank you all so much for the love and kindness. It feels so good to know that someone is in my corner, even once my mask is lifted.
     
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  16. bigcat31

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    Hi EC.

    It's been almost a month since I last posted - I thought I'd give an update on where I'm at.

    My vacation was mostly great. Keeping busy really helped keep my issues compartmentalized and far enough away to reduce the anxiety. It was nice to get a break from my own brain for most of the time.

    Ever since I got back, I have really been trying to focus on what I am feeling and think through it as it happens. I've been reading a lot about cognitive dissonance to try to understand how my brain was able to deny reality for so long, while I set up the people around me to be hurt.

    I've noticed that I am probably addicted to porn and alcohol. I couldn't seem to go without either for more than a day or two.

    I stopped using pornography about a week ago, and just a day in my mind was consumed with thoughts of using it. After 4 days of abstaining, I had a wet dream about using gay porn (even though I'd been sexual with my wife in that time). I feel as if this is a confirmation that my brain really is addicted to the feeling I get using porn. My hope is that by stopping using porn, I can start finding normal people attractive again. I'm hoping that it will help me understand my sexuality better.

    I'm also trying to temper my use of alcohol. The weekend I returned from my trip, I decided I would stay up late, have a few drinks, and play video games. I did this knowing that I had an event to attend with my family at 9am. I drank so much that I don't remember going to bed, and was up til 3am. I spent the next day hungover and disappointed in myself. I had a particularly tough day at the office this week, and found myself sneaking to the liquor cabinet and drinking gin straight from the bottle so that my family wouldn't know.

    The thing that I hate is that the more I act out like this, the more I end up lying about it. I feel like a fraud all the time. I feel like there isn't anyone in this world that I associate with who actually loves me, because I've kept everyone at a distance. I've molded myself to everyone else's expectations my entire life, and I feel like I have no idea who I am.

    The hardest part of this is the loneliness. I am stuck analyzing every thought that I have, in a cycle of self-doubt with no sense of self. I find myself having extreme mood swings into sadness. It sticks in the pit of my stomach and makes me feel like less than nothing. It seems to get triggered by anything, even minor things that really shouldn't disrupt my day.

    I'm continuing therapy this month, and I can't wait until that session so that I can make some faster progress.

    I'm sorry to write such a long, "woe-is-me" post like this. I'm hoping that by writing my feelings here, someone who has been through this can relate, or someone who goes through this in the future can read it and understand that they aren't alone.

    Thanks for being a sounding board for me. I hope you all are doing well.
     
  17. I'm gay

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    Hey man, I'm glad you were able to get through the vacation without imploding. Well done.

    I'm also glad that you will be getting therapy. I would also suggest that you start going to AA or at least deal with the alcohol issues with your therapist.

    You took a long time getting to this point, so be patient with yourself because it will take a long time to resolve all of these issues.

    Please keep posting with us here, and know that we'll be right here for you.

    Take care.
     
  18. EagleEast

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    BigCat, I second that! Glad you got through your vacation. I, too, started therapy a month ago and it's helping me. My thoughts are calming down and one of Chip's posts about using masturbation as a way to figure out your sexuality has helped. I've been sober 19 years and there are a lot of folks in AA that struggle with sexuality issues. I remember reading your first post. I identify with the doubting, mood swings, and that feeling in the pit of your stomach. Hoping that once your thoughts calm down that you can makes sense of all of this. Hang in there and just an ounce of hope is all you need, brother.
     
  19. bigcat31

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    Here comes my once a month update.

    I've been going to therapy regularly, and doing a lot of soul searching between sessions. It has been a huge help and if I could change one thing about the past, I would have gotten myself into therapy as a teenager.

    My therapist and I agree that I am what you would call a "people pleaser". I developed an anxious attachment during childhood, and my behavior and decisions are the result. Essentially, I hate confrontation, and only consider the needs of others when making decisions. In fact, I've been doing this so long, that most times I am not even sure what I am feeling, because I am so worried about other people.

    On the surface, it sounds like that makes me a nice person. Realistically though, I'm just a fucking liar. I tell people what they want to hear. And my need to feel psychologically safe and avoid the judgement of others at all costs has lead me here.

    The good thing is that by identifying this, I can start working to change it. I plan on revisiting my sexuality once I've gotten my self esteem back up and have thought about where I really want my life to go in order for me to be happy.

    Thank you all for your support.
     
  20. mnguy

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    Glad you're working through this and seeing a therapist. I think you'll be able to get through it and hope you get inspiration from others here who have gotten through a similar situation. It's a lot more common than we ever know. Think of all the people going through this and aren't posting here or other places. Regarding alcohol use, do your research to see what options are available and their peer reviewed success rate, if there is any. One that interests me is the Sinclair Method since I don't think I'd want to totally abstain, which has a low success rate anyway. I enjoy the taste of wine and beer with various foods and all the variety. There's interesting research about why some people are more prone to addiction than others. Of course you have to decide what you want to try if you do decide to manage your consumption, but thought I'd mention that option you could research. I found learning about mindfulness, meditation and automatic negative thoughts helpful when I was at my worst depression point and seeing a therapist. Yours could probably help you with those too. Remember that you are not your thoughts and emotions, but can observe them with awareness and eventually you'll learn not to react to them in the same way you have in the past. Good luck and take care!!