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Using the label 'queer'

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by lunarqueer, Sep 17, 2019.

  1. lunarqueer

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    I wasn't sure if this should go in 'coming out' or not but decided it was maybe more of a sexuality-related topic? Sorry for the essay (and the amount of questions), every time I edited it it seemed to only get longer - there’s a TL;DR at the bottom that basically sums everything up.

    What do you think about people using the label ‘queer’ as their ‘primary label’ (by that I mean the label a person uses to come out or primarily identify themselves as)?
    Also, do you think that from the information I have given I am right about my sexuality?

    First of all, I’m a 16 year old girl. I’ve been questioning my sexuality on and off since 2016.

    My sexuality:
    Throughout the time I have questioned my sexuality, I have mostly just been looking for different ways to describe and accurately express it. Sometimes I’ll settle on one label, but I’ll have niggling doubts and I’ll question myself again. I thought of myself as ‘basically gay’ until June 2019, and only then started to question my attraction to boys; I’ve discovered that I relate to many comp het traits but also feel slight arousal (sorry if that’s TMI but idk how else to say it) towards some boys, but it’s weird, feels as though it’s been forced upon me (almost intrusive/unwanted?) and I don’t know if it can be relied upon - it’s like my body decides to activate whenever the topic even comes up and there’s no reason to, if that makes sense. Anyway, a lot of the boys that I find 'attractive' (?) kind of look like they could be mistaken for androgynous/butch girls. Generally, I’m primarily gay but feel as though I might, just maybe, have the potential to be attracted to boys and certainly people of other genders, if not now then in the future.

    Label problems:
    I feel as though no label truly fits. I’ve considered the label ‘mostly gay’ but I think it sounds a bit too indecisive, and I tried bi for a bit but it didn't feel right. The label ‘queer’ seems to be the best, as it allows for sexual fluidity and change, and doesn’t really have any stereotypes associated with it (?). I have some misgivings, though; the fact that it’s controversial and as a result I could change my mind about using it; the fact that it’s unclear, and I would have to clarify that I'm basically mostly gay etc etc (although I’d have to do this if I came out as bi too); the fact that there are homophobes at my small school, and I don’t want my label to be used against me (having said this, although there’s a lot of ‘that’s so gay’ etc, I’ve never heard ‘queer’ being used as a slur at my school - anyway, I often feel that there’s little substance behind people's remarks and they wouldn’t have the guts to actually say anything in front of me).

    Finally (this is the largest one, and I feel it’s more tied to fears about coming out than anything - btw, did any of you feel a rush of panic and like you were just straight the whole time and kidding yourselves about being attracted to your gender when you were in the closet?), I’d simply feel awkward using the word and saying ‘I’m queer’. I feel like nobody comes out as queer initially, or as teenagers.

    Disclaimer/note:
    I know that some will say ‘there’s no rush, take your time’ and I fully understand the sentiment. However, I’ve had enough of being in the closet (and I'm lucky enough to know that my friends and family are ok with queer people, including at least half or most of my extended family). In some ways, the closet provides security (I’m bad at being open/vulnerable etc), but I just want to be honest about who I am. My queer identity has started ‘leaking’ out - I’ve been to my first Pride this year as a ““straight ally”” (I now literally own a large LGBT+ flag), and I feel as though I talk about LGBT+ issues so much that it’s becoming suspicious. Basically, I'm having my cake and eating it too, and I feel like that's not a good thing.

    TL;DR:
    I’m 16 (nearly 17) and I want to come out relatively soon, but I’m still a bit unsure (mostly about what to label myself as opposed to who I’m actually attracted to, although there is some lingering uncertainty about my attraction to boys). Basically, I’m too bi to be gay, but too gay to be bi (in my opinion), and most labels stress me out. Because of this, I’m considering coming out not as gay or bi, but queer - what are your opinions on people using this as their primary label?

    Thanks! :slight_smile:
     
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  2. Unsure77

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    I think you should use whatever label you’re comfortable with. It totally makes sense to use if other labels would be confusing.
     
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  3. lunarqueer

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    I was worried about feeling like I have to be so sure and use a precise label but you're right, thanks :slight_smile: I guess if I explain myself properly, people should get it.
     
  4. lunarqueer

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    To add: I didn't realise until just now that I really needed to hear that and feel valid. It's like now I'm free to come out - I just need to get over my fear of doing so haha.
     
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  5. Lexa

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    I have no opinions on people using the label queer.

    I do have an opinion on the word queer though. Queer is an ambivalent word. I like it a lot because it is so contradictory in itself. It's a label for people who do not like labels. I think it's interesting that people who don't like labels choose to label themselves.
     
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  6. lunarqueer

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    That is interesting actually, I never really thought of it like that. I guess I'm like that too - I like labels because they help me feel like I belong and am part of a community, yet at the same time find them somewhat restrictive.
     
  7. Chip

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    Lots of people use the word 'queer' as it's all encompassing and widely used. Everyone is entitled to use whatever label they like.

    I personally haven't ever liked that word as it has meant "strange or odd" (according to the Oxford English Dictionary) for years, and I personally don't find that appealing, but i also realize that people have created a new meaning for it.
     
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  8. lunarqueer

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    That's a good point. I agree that reclaiming a derogatory term can be difficult, especially if the original meaning is still in use..one of the reasons I wasn't so sure about the label in the first place. I'll have to think about that a bit more.

    (By the way, I briefly had an account on here in 2016, and if I remember correctly you replied to my questions and were really helpful, so thanks:slight_smile:)
     
  9. Unsure77

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    It makes you the "Q" in "LGBTQ". :blush:
     
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  10. beenthrdonetht

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    I think you put this into words for a lot of people. And, anyone who can phrase it so well can figure it out too!

    FWIW, I always liked how "queer" got reclaimed. Seemed like a moral victory.
     
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  11. lunarqueer

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    Aw, thanks:slight_smile: That's basically how I feel about the reclaiming of 'queer' too - I like how it ensures that the power that it previously (and still to some extent) held over us is gone and people can't use it against us anymore.
     
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  12. cmacx

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    Thank you, you have literally put something into words that i could not, i have always questioned what to call myself because i feel like i'm just labeling my self to make other people feel better. One thing i will say to you, the people that truly care wont mind what label you use, I have learned since coming out 4 years ago. i just told my friends that Im attracted to everyone, regardless of gender.

    Goodluck xx
     
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  13. beenthrdonetht

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    I do think that being not straight starts you on a path of questioning other social conventions too. Which makes you realize even more how non-conformist you are. Might as well embrace being queer.

    @lunarqueer, I came back and read your post several times, it's so well-balanced and thoughtful. It almost reads like an answer instead of a question. As in, you have already given yourself the advice and alternative viewpoints that a good friend would. (And you got the flag!) Your TL;DR was great. If you hang out here, you will help a lot of people.

    Oh right, and I hope you find some clarity. Are you 17 yet?
     
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  14. beenthrdonetht

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    (Before someone — rightly — calls me on it, strike the word "other" from my first sentence.)
     
  15. lunarqueer

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    You're right about labels, I really shouldn't worry about them too much. When it comes down to it, they're probably too simple to fully describe something as complex as sexuality.

    That's a good point about social conventions, I never really thought of that but now I come to think of it I think you're right.
    Thanks so much for the reply! :slight_smile: I'm not 17 yet, but will be in about a month and a half. I was just thinking about how I could come out actually (I had a vague plan to come out to my parents/immediate family on Oct 11 since it's International Coming Out Day and I could use that to segue into coming out) - since I fluctuate between thinking of myself as 'lesbian' and 'a bit bi' I really might as well embrace the label queer.