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Getting thoughts off my chest - never transitioning

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by AnAtypicalGuy, Sep 23, 2019.

  1. AnAtypicalGuy

    Full Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Gallifrey
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    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Judging by the age of my account, it's coming around to three years since I accepted I'm trans. Due to medical, social and cosmetic reasons, I'm not transitioning. I don't intend on transitioning, I'm not here to hear reasons why I should.

    I don't really come around here anymore. I don't see a point given my predicament. Also I don't think about my identity too much. Yeah I get dysphoria daily and many moments a day where I'm conscious of how my demeanour doesn't match my appearance. But it rarely hurts me. Usually I just laugh about it; I have enough things to worry about. I'm really good at repressing my thoughts, too. How do you think I've gone through this long without feeling suicidal about it? I've got other things to feel suicidal over haha, though now I'm doing alright on that front.

    Still, sometimes the thoughts come out. The feeling of unwellness, the longing to be myself. Lately I've been feeling it more frequently, so for whatever reason I've found myself back here again. I'll probably disappear again for another half a year, but until then I'll just put out my thoughts because writing them gives me some sort of clarity.

    It turns out I was being abused by my parents for years. Nowadays I see it was quite blatant: physical, verbal, emotional, etc. But for a good four to five years I didn't realise it, I thought it was normal, my fault and what I deserved. It took years of people freaking out and eventually saying the word for me to come around and realise what was happening to me wasn't normal. But I think it explains a lot of my current psyche. My mental health problems, the "social" aspects of my inability to transition. It also explains why I've become so good at suppressing my thoughts. To think meant to suffer. My sexuality and gender have been the cause of several months of losing sleep to my parents, to put it very lightly.

    Only recently I've started feeling the effects of it all. Suppression can only last for so long... So I'm struggling a little. Because of that, I've started seeking out therapy for what I've been through, convinced that I was going to be ignored or dismissed. Instead I'm being treated as something urgent and I have to say it's surprising me. I expect they treat every case of somebody struggling with any mental health issue as urgent, but maybe that's just me trying to downplay it. I feel like an attention-seeker for writing about it now to be honest. How dare I use the term "abuse" on my parents.

    Going back to feeling the effect of that, lately I've similarly started being more conscious of my identity again. I guess it's getting to me, again, that I won't ever be able to transition. When I'm online I get to act the way I like. But in real life I have to play the part of a female. I can manage it alright for now, but I'm not sure if I can keep it up for much longer. I don't want this to become another reason for me to end my life.

    I guess the final reason I'm not transitioning is psychological reasons. Transitioning is tough, you lose friends, you lose family, you go through torturous amounts of rejection, mockery, humiliation. After everything I've been through at home, I can't handle any more of that. I've been going in and out of suicidal thoughts for years because of them. Last June, I think it was June 4th or something like that (I don't revisit that time often: suppression etc.), I was going to jump off a building so that I could escape my parents. They'd been threatening me for years and they were reaching their peak at that point. Maybe my plans to die give you some idea of the desperation I was in. I just can't put up with any more mental pain. Any more and I'm pretty sure I'll be dead by Christmas.

    I don't know what else to say. I doubt anyone around here will have much to say either. It's why I stopped going here, nobody knows what to say to someone who can't transition. I just wanted to put my thoughts out. I don't expect any responses. I'll probably disappear again anyway. But I wrote this for me more than anyone else. Since I suppress almost all of my thoughts, I have a hard time gauging where I am in life until I sit down and write. So here I am, writing.
     
  2. I'm gay

    Full Member

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    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I think you are feeling hopelessness. If you insist that you will NEVER transition, then you will continue to block any hope for yourself, thus causing your feelings of hopelessness. You're not here to listen to reasons to transition, and I'm not here to offer any. But I do think this is contributing to your suicidal thoughts. You have lots of reasons to reject transitioning and you're trying very hard to justify your determined stance. Have you ever made a list of reasons to transition? What's at the top of that list? I suspect you haven't found the courage to make that list, but you should.