Following my divorce I had a very difficult time with my two now adult children whom I love but whom have become estranged. Over time as they become more aware of life I hold onto the hope that they learn to forgive and reconcile. Since my separation almost seven years ago, I have developed a circle of people around me whom I am emotionally connected with. While not blood family, I am close with each of them and have unique bonds, chemistry and connections. We express our affection for each other, talk about intimate details of our lives, and are even sometimes physically intimate. Each of them have become my de facto surrogate family. I have the love of my father and the love of my brother, albeit their love comes with strings and certain “family secrets” that are often hard to fulfill which push me away. I do not have any relationship with my mother. Recently I had a regular annual physical exam. Some “small” anomalies were detected by my doctor. Further tests are being done to confirm the anomalies are nothing to be concerned about; as my doctor confidently expressed with the appropriate bedside manners. But appreciating a risk exists I began reflecting like most would otherwise do. I have people around me that love me, and with the snap of my finger I could ask anyone of them to be my life partner - for which I am just not mentally or emotionally prepared myself to do. I know my father and brother love me as they always express, and even though I have no relationship with my mother I know she loves me as well (just the wrong kind of love). May kids are still suffering from the perceptions they hold of my prior actions. At the same time, I have not let go or found closure to their decision not to speak to me despite my efforts to do so; this despite not being close or developing a strong bond historically to them as I focused on my career to provide financially while their mother managed their emotional needs. Their mother wants nothing to do with me which adds more challenges to the situation (and her own theme that, despite my sincere apologies, I don’t take personal responsibility and have blamed others for her place in life which she readily expresses to anyone and everyone that listens including our kids). I have made numerous attempts to reconcile, apologize and reach out (infrequently now as not to pester). And I have even been advised by professionals in such matters to learn to let go, which I thought I had done a good job of. With my resent doctor visit, while I remain confident the anomalies will not amount to anything material, it has awaken my sense of time. And whatever time I have, the desire to reconcile has become acute at the current moment. I am sure it’s part of a current shame storm and will subside, but yet here it is. It’s strange, I have all these people around me whom I know love me, yet the love I yearn for is the love of my children. This might simply be “the grass is always greener on the other side”, or maybe it’s just human nature to always love your kids regardless of the situation at hand.
Man you write well. The only love I hunger is that from my older brother who does not talk to me. To a limited degree I can relate. (Everyone else is dead, father, mother, older sister, another older brother.)
I have thought about a recurring theme in relation to my kids lack of communication with me. My inability to find closure to the lack of communication with my kids in part has resulted from my own confidence that, while I have certainly made some mistakes which I take responsibility for, I have otherwise been a fantastic father. And at the same time I have believed my kids have been influenced by subliminal messages from their mother which impedes their own ability to heal. I say subliminal because of their mothers insistence which I take her word at that she has historically and directly told them to engage with me. I have been optimistic that over time their own maturity and life experience will at some point allow them to come around. I have reflected on this time and time again. I am concluding however that such reflection has impeded my own ability to find closure. To ultimately achieve closure I need to let go and reach a point of indifference with my kids. Reaching a point of indifference will allow for closure. So the question I am asking myself is if I am able to reach such a point of indifference yet at the same time keep the door open for a future relationship. This should not be a black and white decision; in such a situation I debate if I can find some type of middle ground. The more I think about it, the more I contemplate the such middle ground may not exist.
I woke up with the answer, indifference. Plain and simple. It’s the best way for me to move forward. I can’t keep waiting, time to move on.
Hi OnTheHighway, Yeah, if you’ve already reached out over the years then moving on is better for your own well being. Don’t expect a response - and if one comes it is an unexpected gift. But lack of communication from them isn’t the same as rejecting your communications (unless they’ve said so), so unless it harms you I’d think sending birthday cards and holiday cards leaves the door open.
