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Making Gay Friends Now That I’m Out...why is it so hard?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by JaymzR1968, Sep 21, 2019.

  1. JaymzR1968

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    So, not to go too deep into it, but just to share what led me to where I am now...

    I’m 51, was married to a woman for 12 years up until 14 years ago, I then became a single dad and raised my daughters (now 23 and soon to be 21) on my own, and completely focused on them and dedicated my life, love, and energy into helping them become the amazing young women that they are today. My youngest, who still lives with me, will be graduating from college at the end of this semester, and has plans to move out and get an apartment with some of her friends - so I’ll be an empty nester in a few short months. Like I said, I focused my entire life on them, and never really dated much during that time. Maybe a couple times a year at most, and that was a conscious choice that I would do again without hesitation, and it was mostly a few hook-ups with married closeted men because I had absolutely no interest in any type of ongoing or committed relationship (I knew they’d be discreet and hopefully not stalkers). BUT, as was my plan, once I am “on my own” again, I will be more active in embracing my sexuality and living for me and basically I playing a little catch up.
    I still do not want a relationship - it’s just not the space I’m in right now (not looking for it, and not necessarily fighting tooth and nail against it) but if it happens I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.
    What I’m honestly looking for in my life right now is to meet some FRIENDS, just some gay friends who I can hang out with, have a drink or two with while watching the game, kayak, or whatever, and have some good conversations with and be able to share some of what on my mind, ask for advice etc. JUST GOOD FRIENDS - the sex part of my life will be separate (and I’m ok right now in that department). I just want to meet similar guys and hang out together.
    Problem is - where? The bars haven’t been a good option. Most men I meet there are looking for a hookup, and the average age tends to be a little younger than my half-century lol. Meeting people online seems to focus on the hookup as well...and there’s nothing wrong with that, but
    seriously where can I go to meet guys like me?
    I have a couple mutually beneficial friends with benefits situations with guys who know I am not interested in a full blown relationship, but where are the gay guys my age (ish) who just want to be friends as well?
    Thoughts?
     
  2. DecentOne

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    Welcome to EC JaymzR1968,
    I’ve joined a hobby organization that is LGBTQ, and the membership skews to middle age. Also you might check to see if there is a SAGE group in your area. The SAGE men’s group at the LGBTQ center I go to seems to have nearly-retired and retired guys. There are LGBTQ meetup groups, but yes they tend to have folks closer to your older child’s age.
     
  3. Chip

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    The Sacramento LGBT center has a social group for older gay men, and there are also several Meetup groups focused on older gay men. Those are both good resources. Other than that... it can be a challenge and often just takes time to find the people and resources that are out there.
     
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  4. Cool Bananas

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    Keep talking to guys on the apps around your age, there are also a bunch of websites that cater to different age groups.
    By meeting guys through the apps around your age then some of them might know of the groups they belong to.
    You do meet some guys who are closeted who aren't ever going to know groups, but then every so often you do find people who suggest different groups to join. I met a few guys who then suggested different groups to join and that has happened in 2 different cities, in my current city met a guy who knew a bunch of guys who caught up once a month just for dinner, but then the more people you meet the more options open up.
    Keep up the searching, also going to some of the gay bars at odd times; not Friday night at midnight isn't a good time for a heart to heart but going to a bar on a Saturday or Sunday late afternoon.
     
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  5. Broccoli

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    Welcome to EC :slight_smile:

    In my city there are several LGBT hobby groups, like hiking/running/badminton clubs. Now I've listed them they all seem to be sports-related but that's the kind of thing I've searched for because it's what I'm interested in, so I bet there are other non-sports ones too! I don't know what the age ranges are like (I've just committed to going along to the running club for the first time next weekend so can let you know!) but I figured it'd be easier making new friends over an activity and shared interest than in just sitting down over a drink. There also seem to be lots of LGBT meetup.com groups, several of which specify a target age range, so you could try one aimed at older people if there were a similar set-up where you are.
     
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  6. JaymzR1968

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    Hey guys! Thanks for all the tips. I did start looking at meetup website for some Sacramento gay activity groups - there’s quite a few. I’m just trying to make sure I’m not signing up for a “hookup” type event or group. (I am happy with that part of my life and the guys i enjoy being intimate with). I really just would like to make some friends - guys to talk to about stuff, do things (no -sexual) with etc. and not necessarily my age exactly (just guys who are established in their lives ) so I’d say maybe 36/40ish to 50/55.

    Now, I mean this with all the respect in the world - and is m no way am implying that anybody on here or those who have responded have been disrespectful or demeaning in any way, but...

    It’s is funny how, if/when we meet someone in person (someone like me who doesn’t necessarily look like what some picture in their mind as a typical 50 year old guy), but online when I say I’m 50 that is what drives people’s internal picture/impressions and place me in a “senior” category. I’m a very active guy, with a full life, and I’m not up for the AARP crowd right now...conversely I’m also definitely not interested in hanging out in bars and clubs with the party focused crowd. I have at least 10 (probably 15) years until I consider retiring, so I’m not ready to get involved in a senior gay group or things like that.

    But again - THANK YOU for the advice, suggestions, etc. I’ve already this morning started looking at the various resources available through the Sacramento LGBT center and other similar places.
     
  7. Chip

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    PM me if you want to ask about specific Sacramento Meetup groups. I have been to a few and I know others who have been to other ones, so I have some insight about what most of them are about.
     
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  8. JaymzR1968

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    It’s is funny how, if/when we meet someone in person (someone like me who doesn’t necessarily look
     
    #8 JaymzR1968, Sep 22, 2019
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  9. JaymzR1968

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    “like they are a half a ‘century old’ or older” lol I know I’m not ready for shuffle board and soft food for dinner at 4:00 in the afternoon at my Florida retirement village, and I know it’s just me internalizing it, it when I hear “older gay guys your age” just enables me to feel undervalued and too old to matter anymore. I know that’s NOT what anybody’s intent or message was, just my own insecurities etc. hey

    I accidentally cut off what I was trying to quote LOL
     
    #9 JaymzR1968, Sep 22, 2019
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  10. Nickw

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    Hey

    I'm a married bisexual who is sixty. I get the "guys your age" thing. I'm an endurance athlete and don't know a lot of thirty year olds in better shape.

    This isn't limited to a gay thing. I have a lot of difficulty finding any friends to do things with regardless of sexuality. I won't be defined by my age.

    So, is it really gay you are looking for? You mentioned you have your sexual needs satisfied. Maybe your issue is finding ANY men to bond with? This is an issue for middle age men of any orientation. We need to bond with other men. For some of us that's not gonna be doing the senior stuff.

    Have you considered expanding your search to straight guys? Just men who share your interests?
     
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  11. Chip

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    As someone who is in the same category (a bit older than you), I understand what you're saying. Age certainly brings with it some level of experience and understanding that is hard to get any other way. But that doesn't mean that it also brings with it behaviors that people associate with being a given age. I don't know many people my age who know memes and Internet culture as well as I do, or who understand millennial culture. And I have no interest no interest in a lot of the subjects that a lot of older people are talking about it. So I totally see what you're talking about, and I agree with you that many people tend to lump people into "buckets" based on age, in both directions.
     
  12. JaymzR1968

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    Hi! You do make a good point, and where I do agree it is difficult for men “of a certain age” regardless of their sexuality to make new friends, I just feel it’s a little more difficult for a gay man as, based upon first hand experience, a lot of the gay guys out there are looking for a hookup or a FWB situation. I will admit that my desire to make new gay friends around my age (I’d say anywhere between 40 and 60) is purely selfish - in addition to the outdoor recreational activities I previously mentioned, and other things like wine tasting or beer festivals, and yes even going to Disneyland, I want a friend or friends who genuinely know and understand first hand what it’s like to be a mature middle-aged gay man, and be able to talk to them about “stuff” and share experiences, stories, and laughs, etc.
    I hope that makes sense.
     
  13. JaymzR1968

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    Very true - especially with some of the stereotypes surrounding social networking and technology challenges. I guess I just want to pick my own bucket.
     
  14. TrevinMichael

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    My non profit has a GBTQ component and that is where many of my current friends came from. MKP USA

    ManKind Project has a rainbow group as part of the non profit.

    I have been part of this for 25 years. It is international not just in the usa.
     
  15. Nickw

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    A couple of my gay friends I met on a hookup app. I did, sorta, hookup with a couple my age. I say sorta because it was not a typical middle age thing to do. Our hookup involved a canyoneering camping trip that was pretty extreme.

    These guys are now my friends. Nothing like almost freezing to death to form a bond. It is great that I can be "gay" around them. So, I know what you mean by wanting that. They are also expert skiers and we share that.

    I won't lie and say there isn't some fooling around. We behave like guys decades younger when we are together and sometimes that was involved.

    I know apps are, generally, not a politically correct place to find activity partners but it worked several times for me. One guy I met is now a rock climbing partner. Another, is a kite surfing friend. Yet, another is a mountain biking buddy. I met all on the apps and sex was not why we got together.

    I wouldn't rule out the apps. You can be as selective as you want.
     
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  16. Devil Dave

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    Hookups are easy. Friendship is difficult.

    When I was younger I was always told that I was too shy and I needed to speak up more and ask questions. Now days I find that I'm always having one-sided conversations, especially with other gay men. I always seem to be the one who is trying the break the ice and make all the first moves, and suggesting when and where to meet up. But whenever I leave the ball in another guy's court, he goes quiet on me.

    In some ways it is nice that my confidence has improved to the point that I can say to a guy "Hey, do you wanna meet up tomorrow?", but it gets a bit tiring as well. I've made the effort to stop being that shy, standoffish guy, and they're not making much effort for me. My insecurities come back because I'm thinking "what have done wrong? Why am I still struggling with this?"

    Finding friendships with other gay men seems to be very hard work. That's probably why a lot of them follow the same trends and box each other into categories, just to make it easier for themselves.
     
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  17. JaymzR1968

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    Nicks - That’s awesome it worked out that way for you! I do know it’s possible to meet someone through a dating/hookup app and have it eventually become a friendship, but it seems to be the exception and not the norm. Now, I’m not giving up on that avenue to meet new guys, and I’m very clear when I’m on there what I’m looking for and what I’m not looking for. Sadly, It’s 2019 and is amazing how many people can’t read that’s the only explanation I can come up with based on their behavior and obvious complete lack of ability to grasp that somebody is on there for something other than a quickie. LOL. And don’t get me started on the whole “discreet married guys wanting a car hookup”...I’m not trying to sound snooty or above anybody but come on, I know you cannot host but I think we’ve grown up enough to not have to go park somewhere in a dark park or corner of town just to get laid.
     
  18. Nickw

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    I sometimes wonder if it is a regional thing. Where I am there is not much of a LGBT scene. So, everyone is on the apps...even some monogamous couples I know.

    You do have to spend a lot if time filtering. But, I use the block feature all the time so at least it isn't repeat with the guys that are looking for something different.

    I also tried meetup (I think it's OK to mention that site here). There was a gay hiking group from a city not far from me that I met with before I had an open marriage.

    FWIW, I was out to my wife for a year before we opened the marriage. I "hooked up"....no sex at all...with a half dozen men in that year to just chat with and hang out. I'm still friends with several and have not been, nor ever will be, intimate with them. It is so wonderful to have those sorts of friends. I hope you find that!
     
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  19. SevnButton

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    I still wonder if my primary underlying need is really camaraderie, more than sex. So much of my time for the last couple of decades has been devoted to work, family and home that there has been very little time left for meaningful friendship.
     
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  20. OGS

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    I hate to say it but I think it's just a matter of being out there where the guys are. I'm about three years younger than you are, my husband's about three years older than you and neither of us has ever had trouble meeting other gay guys. Neither of us have ever used the apps, both of us have been entirely off the market sexually for over twenty years and frankly both of us sort of wince at the idea of attending a social group for "older gay men" . We have belonged to various clubs and organizations over the years, but to be absolutely honest most of our closest, most long-term friends are from bars, parties, friends of friends. The good thing is if you really get in with someone, particularly someone who isn't newly out, they usually come with a coterie of friends. I still have probably at least twelve really good friends that I literally met the first time I went to a gay bar--the thing is they were already friends, it's not like I had to round them up.

    If you're having issues with the whole hook up thing, my suggestion would be that you have to come up with a way of defining yourself out of that. It can't be that you're "not really looking for that right now" or something vague. You have to take it off the table, otherwise you're just setting yourself up as a challenge. Despite not looking for that for decades at this point, my husband and I still get hit on, to which we politely reply "I'm married." Occasionally someone keeps going. Experience tells me that those people tend to assume we're married to women, which somehow still makes us fair game-the challenge again. Once we make it clear we're actually married to a man, people tend to shift gears. People seem to respect that. I don't know what the non-married equivalent of that is, but the closer you can come the better I think it will go.

    Anyway, keep at it. In my experience gay guys our age are a lot of fun, and the good news is we tend to travel in packs. Good luck!