Can antidepressants help me enjoy life while I'm still not capable of accepting I'm gay?

I have found Zoloft very helpful when I am struggling with so much depression and anxiety that is affecting my daily functioning. I think most of the SSRI type of antidepressants have side effects like lower libido, some insomnia, or weight gain, but generally I have not found the side effects to be that bad and they have gone away when I stop taking the drug. Based on my personal experience I'm not sure most doctors know about how to most comfortably taper off of them when you feel you are ready to stop taking them. I have found that it works best to taper off very slowly too avoid the side effects of going off them such as vertigo and "brain zaps." Good luck!

 

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John,

I have so been there, man! I stayed with a really mean person for many years rather than admit to myself what I had known for a long time -- that I am gay. Now, I am so happy to be single (why aren't you?). I think being single is awesome; I can do what I want and eat what I want; I'm making some new friends and I have a different church that I'm going to, so I'm getting to know other members of the congregation and starting to get involved in some church functions (they have support groups, too!). Also, my new church is welcoming to LGBTQ people and it's spoken of freely there and embraced.

Maybe your life was too centered around your GF? That's the way my life was with my wife; everything was about her, the friends, the church, even family functions. When I left I was lonely at first and it took a little time to find my way, but it can be done. It's normal to feel the oss, but you will be okay again, with time. But, its not just time, you need to take proactive steps to get involved with others. I helped an older neighbor paint the railing on her porch steps today, and in the process got some really great counsel (she knows I'm gay) and advice; then we sat with her husband and brother and had some beers afterward (they teased us about how much we'd painted ourselves in the process of doing the porch!). It was just wonderful!

You can be yourself and be accepted and loved the way you are, without pretending to be straight. And, you will not ever be completely okay emotionally until you are able to live an authentic life and be real with yourself and everyone else. I was a member of a very strict religion and tried to pray the gay away for 30 years -- finally, I decided "that's long enough; the experiment didn't f-ing work!"

Good luck, John!

-RJ

 

They're worth trying if you've gotten to the point where you feel they're necessary. As has been mentioned, antidepressants aren't a cure-all. They take time and sometimes certain antidepressants won't work on you. However, they can often change life radically for the better.

The stressors and burden of being closeted and repressing your sexuality will have an emotional impact. It is possible they have fuelled your feelings of depression. It is also possible that unmedicated depression is making it harder for you to deal with your sexuality and identity issues. Antidepressants often help us manage the issues that trigger mental illness in the first place.

Antidepressants are a powerful tool that can help you make life decisions that improve your mood and your quality of life. You will likely still feel stressed, anxious and down on antidepressants when there are external factors causing those feelings. But if they work, they will hopefully make those feelings less overwhelming over time. That might be able to help you come out, deal with your sexuality and seek further help.

 

There is very little I can add to @Chip and @Aussie792's excellent responses. I spent several years on medication for severe clinical depression on two separate occasions and how I would describe it is that it didn't solve any problems for me but that it gave me just enough of a toe-hold on life to be able to start working towards fixing my own problems.

 

Hi John,

There are many same-sex couples in the U.S. that live perfectly normal lives in every other way. I thought (perhaps naively) that this was also true in other developed nations. I'm 54 now, but I see myself, maybe in a few years, with a husband/partner of my choosing that I intend to spend my golden years loving, for as long as we have left. I'm not ready to give up; I'm going to keep trying!

I loved my wife at first, too, John. But, a friend explained it to me in this way: without the emotional intimacy to parallel your romantic encounters, you will always feel unfulfilled; you can love her, yes, but you'll never be *in love* with her. I love my brother, I loved my dog (when I had one). The way look at your partner is supposed to be different (and now I know it should be wantingly!).

I think your ideas about getting through this tough period are reasonable. I'm not still not "out" yet either, and I'm not comfortable even saying it yet, but this is how I get through dealing with my own gayness. Just like I talked about the porch, above, I do kind acts for others without any expectation of repayment. And, as I do, I think to myself, "a gay man did that". This sort-of counteracts the knee jerk reaction in my brain about stereotypical, flamboyant gay guys who are always grabbing other guys asses and talking with a lisp. Gay guys can be good, (almost) normal guys, and that's I'm going to be.

-RJ

 

I really like this idea. A way of affirming yourself and how you feel. I'm going to try it myself - thanks @RJH

 

About 2 to 3 weeks, if I remember correctly.

 

I think there are a few things I'd like to say to this.

1) It seems you are unhappy with your therapist's approach. It might be worth speaking to her to ask if she is capable of providing the sorts of sexuality counselling.

2) If seeing a psychiatrist is an issue, go to a GP with a (brief) summary of your issues. I'm not sure about in England but Australian GPs can prescribe antidepressants and are a very useful tool in getting referred to the appropriate mental health provider, be it a psychiatrist or a therapist specialising in sexuality and attendant mental illness.

3) Living life as an LGBT person is not in itself hard. Being out is likely to be much more emotionally and psychologically liberating than any security afforded by remaining in the closet. In my opinion, it's imperative you focus on coming out and coming to terms with your sexual identity.

4) If you'd like good stories, or advice with mental health and being happy as a gay (or otherwise LGBT) person, this is a great place to start. Note that many people come here in times of crisis - that is the nature of a support forum. Don't let that taint your view of what it means to be openly gay, should you come out. There are plenty of people here on Empty Closets who live full, enriching lives, and virtually all are LGBT. I consider myself one of them. Many of us have or have had mental illnesses.

If you'd like to reach out, I'm always happy to talk.

 

I take an antidepressant, a SSRI. I have for a long time. They are aimed at depression. They are not aimed at a specific issue in your life that is causing you angst. In most situations, they take you upward from the baseline you were at before. They did for me. I got very lucky and did not have side effects (no weight gain, no increase or decrease in sexual performance and libido, etc.) from the medication chosen for me. I have talked to people who had to try different SSRIs to get to the right one to avoid some side effects they were experiening.

I plan to remain on the one I'm on. My mood is quite a bit better than before I started taking this medication. I have gone off it and have stumbled. Know that a traumatic experience while taking them can be just too powerful and might cancel the effect of the antidepressant. I've experienced this.

 

Hi John
In your case I feel antidepressants may help you short term. I think you are most likely still grieving the loss of your relationship plus struggling to accept your sexuality. If antidepressants help lift your mood you may see life differently. I believe diet and exercise can be really important too. I started running and lifting weights. Both these activities help me when I have low days. I left my wife and children so know how hard life can be. Therapy like you are having is also a great step forward. Even little things like going for a walk around the park when you feel able can help lift mood. But I really appreciate how difficult it can be to take these first steps. Meeting up with a friend can help improve mood too. I'm nearly 44 and didn't accept my gay sexuality till I was 42. Joining a local LGBTQ group might also help you accept your sexuality. Our sexuality is only one part of us as humans. Take care
Jon x

 

I think antidepressants are a way to manage symptoms (depression), but not address root causes (discomfort with your sexual orientation). In my experience, they help put a "floor" under my depression, so I didn't get quite as miserable and was able to go on with my life.

But I wouldn't say they made me "happy." And they have no effect on the underlying identity issues.

Think of it as taking pain medication when you have a broken arm. It helps relieve the pain temporarily, but the bone must heal on its own time.