I'm 35 and recently acknowledged the feelings I've been suppressing for a very long time. I've only come out to my therapist so far. My husband and I have had a rough marriage, but we have been in a pretty good place lately. Then all of this same up for me and I'm kind of reeling with it all. We've been married for 10 years with two kids (8 and 3) and I can't see myself coming out anytime soon. I know things can change, but I don't want to break up my marriage while my kids are this young, as well as other things going on in our lives. He also will not take it well at all and it will turn into a brutal legal battle for custody. His family is very homophobic (and racist, sexist, among others...) and it would not be a good environment for my kids to be in if we separated and I came out. He is a good man, tries to be supportive of my and our kids, tries to be a good husband... We have been through a lot together.
A couple things... If you fear a bad reaction, then you wouldn’t even need to tell anyone, including your husband, about your sexuality until you were separated and settled. I know a lot of people on here do have that conversation with their spouses, and honesty is usually the best policy, but there are circumstances where it’s OK to mention it. Planning to stay until the children are older isn’t necessarily as easy as it sounds, some people may have done it, but most EC members either come out to their spouses and attempt to keep the marriage working, or find a way to move forward separately. Once you know, it’s very hard to suppress and you can be left feeling trapped, isolated and miserable. This is your life and you need to live it for you. Also, it’s worth considering that the situation can cause tension and resentment to build in a relationship, and whether this is good environment for children. Last thing...you say your husband is a good man, doesn’t he deserve to know and be given the opportunity to find somebody he is more compatible with? Don’t you deserve that too? How is your relationship now? Generally happy? I’m not trying to push you, just an alternative perspective. For context, I do have a young daughter and for a long time could not contemplate leaving, as it would take away her family life, but she’s doing very well so far.
I totally relate to you. I'm in a similar situation. My husband is a good man but I can't work out how to stop my feelings for women. I don't want to distroy my family life but I am also becoming increasingly miserable. I know my husband will not be understanding and I'd imagine he will be pretty angry and jealous if I told him. He is also very reliant on me as he had health issues, no real friends and a very distant family. I just feel trapped.
Your situation definitely sounds similar. I'm just starting to figure this all out. It's only been about 2 months since I came out to my therapist, so everything feels very overwhelming. I worry about being unhappy, I feel trapped. But I also want my boys to be older before I make a big decision to leave. I don't know what to do.
I am 61, I have never been married, and I have no children. In my early 40's, I finally acknowledged to myself that I was gay. That was the only way everything in the past made sense. From the age of 5 or 6, I was absolutely fascinated with shirtless men, sometimes imagining what a man might look like without a shirt and often not being disappointed if I had a chance to find out. Topless women did not interest me at all. I have absolutely no intention of "coming out." Personally and professionally, I fear it would be an adverse reaction, and I am not willing to take the risk. From comments others have made in my presence, I know what their views are, which also gives me hope that they have no suspicion about me. I have never been in a relationship. As long as I am "discreet" there is a lot of "scenery" outdoors. But the bottom line is, the matter is a very tiny part of who I am, and I do not need to disclose it, because it will then be far out of proportion to who I am or want to be.
I am divorced with 2 kids and they are the only reason I have not come out. I really don't want to disappoint them or lose the great relationship I have with them. As far as everyone else I really don't care if they know I am gay.
Yes! Stumbled upon this website for that exact reason today. I feel like i could have written this myself, other than the fact im only just at the beginning. My children are 2 and newborn, so i have a really of a long time before i can concentrate on my own life. I dont want them to grow up with us seperated because in all honesty i love my other half dearly, i just dont love him sexually. So i feel i should take the loss of sexual furfillment over my little humans growing up not living with mum and dad.
Welcome to EC. Everyone’s situation is slightly different and only you know what relationship is like, but I don’t necessarily think it’s as simple that (speaking as somebody who once thought the same way). You’re making a decision that impacts yourself and your husband. Have you spoken to him about it? If so, how does he feel? If not, doesn’t he deserve the opportunity to find somebody that fully appreciates him? In the longer term there might be resentment and ill feelings in your relationship. Your children will pick up on this. Having mum and dad together isn’t the best option every time. For the most part, children adapt and are resilient. If you were to separate, you and your husband could manage the situation so that they are not negatively impacted. Lastly, your children need you to be at your best. I know it effects people differently, but if you’re distracted and low, then that’s not god for them. You need to look after yourself too. I appreciate that this is not considering the financial and practical side of separation, which held me up for a long time. Just some things to think about.
Same boat as you. Love my family and life but can't ignore these feeling anymore. Wish I could provide more advice but all I can say is there are great people who have been were we are and can offer amazing insight.
I am in the same boat! I am 36 and married with 2 kids. I have been conflicted on my sexuality since I was a teenager but always too afraid to explore that side of me or in denial. Maybe it is just because my marriage has been so rocky lately but I have found myself feeling so lonely and fantasizing about being with women all the time. I feel sad that I won't ever get to do that because I do not want to break up my family. It just doesn't feel right for me to do that right now. But maybe when my kids are older..
I'm 34, in a relationship for 9 years with a wonderful woman and with a daughter. I've always been gay, even though I lived in denial, hoping that I could eventually be "ungayed". When I could no longer deny to myself I was gay, I then tried to keep it under control. Acknowledge it but not acting on it, pretending nothing was happening. Didn't work either. So, yes, I feel your pain. You're not alone!
I am married with kids and only out to a select few. In your shoes, I wouldn't come out until divorced and custody sorted out...
I think there are situations where it makes sense not to come out. You know yourself and your family best. And while I believe that eventually all people aspire to live authentically and be out, it’s not always possible - and that’s okay. It happens.
