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Failed again and making no progress

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by RainydayTofu, Sep 18, 2019.

  1. RainydayTofu

    RainydayTofu Guest

    I've just started university, and today is the Freshers' Fayre (sorry to anyone outside the UK- this post's gonna have a lottttt of British-isms!). I told myself before I go that I would join the LGBT society.

    Well, I chickened out and I feel such a massive frickin failure for it :frowning2: They had a stall and I paused as I walked past but I really didn't know what to say, so I just walked on. I came past again later and I still didn't have the courage to do it.

    I don't really know what they're about, but i wanted to get more involved (although I don't want to do anything political) since I "don't know anything about being gay" (hope that makes sense- to me that sums up exactly how I feel).

    But now I feel like a failure. I'm 25 and I've known I was gay since 19, but I haven't made any progress at all. I'm still closeted with family and colleagues (I'd tell if anyone asked, but no one ever does; I'm very privileged in that I can often fly under the radar- I'm full of admiration for guys who are 'camp' or whatever).

    I don't know if I should email the society to ask them what they're about- I thought I could either A.) say I couldn't make Freshers' Fayre or B.) make a joke of being too scared to talk to them. Thing is I'm 25 and it seems so stupid to be scared of this kind of thing. I'm so ashamed of being a failure STILL.
     
  2. Kiyoshi

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    It's totally natural to be scared.

    I'm a bit younger than you but I have even less of an excuse. I've been at university for three years and not once in that time have I joined a society I was interested in.

    I was forced out of the closet when my parents discovered I was seeing someone I met online. But it was pure luck I ever met anyone at all. I'm a lot worse than you and can guarantee that apart from the one in a million chance I ever met someone and was forced out to just literally my closest family members I'd be in your position at 35 not 25. I still don't feel great in myself and have a lot of work to do.

    But for you there's still loads of time. If you don't feel able to approach the stall, you can one hundred percent email them or contact them in some other way. This is normal, and age doesn't matter - new situations make even the most self-confident people at least a bit nervous.
     
  3. RainydayTofu

    RainydayTofu Guest

    Thank you :slight_smile: I've decided I'll look for their Facebook group - if they have one - and just ask what they do. I've asked the same question (toned down a bit) on TheStudentRoom and people there said there are people in all the different stages of coming out at these societies, and that it's just normal social activities. They said also not everyone there is quite so 'full-on' as the ones who run the stalls at Freshers', which makes me feel a bit better. I'll just say I couldn't make it.

    Even though you say you were forced out, I still think it's brave.
     
    Kiyoshi likes this.
  4. HM03

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    Age doesn't matter, it's scary either way. Even if age did matter, you don't have huge sign above you saying your age, if it really bothers you could say you're 22 and nobody would ever challenge the fact. University can be an amazing time for self-exploration and growth. It also tends to be really liberal (compared to the rest of society) so it's a perfect opportunity to gain confidence and comfort in being out. If it makes you feel any better - I went from being out to all my friends/school and immediate family to being completely closeted depending on my employment. Sometimes it's just like that and it's not a competition who can come out to the most amount of people in the shortest amount of time.

    When you're scared, not out to very many people and don't know very many gays - Its so easy to let your anxiety play mind games on you. You're not the first and not going to be the last anxious closeted person to reach out to them.

    I don't have much experience with my campus's LGBT group. Back when I was in school and therapy (I went to therapy on campus for free), my therapist said in the past he's arranged for some of his clients to be email pen-pals with somebody from the group. You make up an annoynomized email (aka they are VERY considerate of your privacy and comfort levels), email for a bit, and eventually build up the courage to go in person. I didn't end doing that, but I did go to some of their meetings...and turns out it was for the LGBT club's staff only and they were too polite/didn't want it to be bad experience so they didn't tell me that it was staff only or to get out lol. The point is that your LGBT club probably busts their asses off to be as accommodating as possible for anxious closeted people lol.
     
  5. silverhalo

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    Hey dont beat yourself up about it, I'm sure almost all of us have planned to do something like this and chickened out a few times before we managed it.
    You paused at the stall and you have posted a message, I think they are both great steps even though they weren't perhaps exactly what you were planning. You will get there.
     
  6. RainydayTofu

    RainydayTofu Guest

    Thanks everyone- I've just joined! There was the option to join online after the Freshers' Fayre and although that's not the same as joining in-person, it's probably a better idea than emailing them- I'd probably have said something I would later regret! Anyway, I'm pleased I've done it and I suppose I'll just wait till they announce and event. The first one is a charity drag rugby... Not me at all but I'm sure there'll be more stuff :slight_smile:
     
    Unsure77 likes this.
  7. silverhalo

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    That is great news, as you say, I am sure there will be events you are interested in.