Hi, I’m new and not very good with words but I have to get this out or I don’t think I ever will. I grew up in a small conservative town surrounded by homophobia my entire life so I naturally suppressed my feelings towards guys. Now I’m 21 and plagued with extreme anxiety and depression over these bottled up emotions I never dealt with as a child and I can barely get out of bed to go to work anymore, I work 60-70 hour weeks so I can spend all day not thinking about these emotions, and all night passed out on my couch not dealing with my emotions. I can’t confide in family or friends, because I’m also going to college part time and my parents let me live at home while I’m in school. So if I came out I’d be kicked out and likely have to drop out of college. I can’t keep going down this path of self destruction. I just want to know how I start Dealing with this influx of new feelings I’ve never really let myself have before. Or better yet how do I not be ashamed to be gay. I’m so confused and even things I thought were set in stone, like my sexuality, were never even real in the first place. And that’s got me questioning if anything about me is even real or if im who I am because of the subconscious need to protect myself from being found out. Any advice or guidance would be much appreciated. Thanks
Hey Narsil98, I can imagine how hard it must be you're feeling right now especially that I've been there in your place grew up in a much conservative community, i grew up with the generation in my country where they weren’t that open-minded for the kind of sexuality we have now. Anyway, for your safety though u need to be careful that’s always the first priority you need to look behind you when you know where you are is not that safe.Only trust someone whom you genuinely trust of who you are . If you think your whole family would not understand or anyway accept you, you cant force as it is but they will eventually will come around but you have to be strong as this will be painful when you know how they would react if they found out but at the same time it will also make you feel free if you let it out yourself in time. Dont be ashamed of who you are or what you feel ,hang out to those people who are open-minded and make you feel great and not thinking constantly about them . Find out more about yourself in your way of not thinking of these negative feelings around you.
Hey, You already have one good answer. I just wanted to say reaching out to others, even online, or maybe especially online who understand and you can talk through things with really helps. Last year I had a lot of issues, and although they weren't the same as yours talking to people helped. Getting to know people similar to you might help give you people to talk to when things were tough. It helped for me a year ago and I'm sure it could help you too. You really don't need to be ashamed to be gay though, at least in yourself. Or anything, straight, bi, whatever. That doesn't mean you have to go broadcasting your thoughts to everyone around you, and I know if you're used to living around certain people with certain views your entire life and your identity may conflict with some of those views and opinions around you it's going to be tough. Also, is there a counsellor you can see at college? It might help to open up to someone in person if you feel safe doing so. And you are real. You seem very real to me. You're just struggling with your identity in surroundings which don't necessarily accept parts of that. But it doesn't mean everyone, everywhere will be the same. And it doesn't mean you have to beat yourself up about your feelings either. I hope I've helped a bit. I know things are tough but they don't always have to be that way. Maybe your work hours and environment aren't helping too much, but I know these can be very hard to change too. But there are always ways things could get better.
Thank you for the advice. I’m just stressed out about the whole situation and needed to vent. Open minded people are hard for me to come by because up until a couple months ago I myself was not an open minded person. Ashamed isn’t really the right word I wanted to use though, I’m more afraid. Afraid of being seen as a liar by those who I am close to and as a hypocrite to everyone else.
I had actually never even thought about there being a counselor at school. It’s a pretty small community college so there might not be one but I’ll definitely give it a try. I’ve just been so far up my own ass about this whole thing that I never even thought about that as an option. Thank you.
It's ok i know it is a very scary thing where you come from and not that easy to just drop a bomb just like that . It may seem like a lie to their eyes if they knew about you but you know yourself better and you dont owe them anything nor seek any approvals. It is none of their business and only your to keep . When i came out before , i made sure i told my direct family first before they know it from other people. It was scary and made me anxious the whole time i thought id be disowned or shunned but i needed to let it out but i never wanted to just be out for other people other than the closest ones i have. If you think those people with you cant keep your secret with trust just dont do it yet,wait to be safe rather than it will blow out of proportion. We are here as well if you ever need to talk to, we might not have the same experiences or what struggles but we share our support.
