About a year ago now I got tired of being alone and started interacting with more people online. I made a few friends, got ghosted by someone I cared deeply about then cut everything off. For months things have been the same, but now I'm starting to get the same pangs of regret and loneliness I had before. I struggle with people, I have barely any friends and I'm in a confusing relationship and I'm just worried my life runs in cycles of getting to know a couple of people, losing them, pretending nothing happened then reaching a low point months later. Despite seeing someone I feel alone, even though I talk to them a lot. I don't know if this relationship is right for me, and even if it is I'm wondering if sometimes friends are more important and constant than relationships. I miss having people to talk to, but I'm worried trying to recreate the same experience, the same time in my life I had a year ago by creating a bunch of profiles in different places and avoiding the old ones is just going to lead me in circles. I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm just not sure what to do about it. I'm so used to things being the way they are, time just flying by and days blurring together that it seems comfortable and safe. But at the same time I'm unhappy, no happier than I've ever been as the cycle keeps revolving. I don't know how to find a life I'm happy with. I still don't know how to really be myself. I feel lost and purposeless, and reverting back to my old tactics of trying to get things to change I'm worried will end me up back in the same position one year from now, two, three and beyond. I don't want things to be the same, I want them to be different. But I don't really know how to find people, decide what's right or wrong for me, get over losing someone I cared about or to live for the future and not just scrape by in the now. If anyone has any tips or advice I'd be grateful. I'm sorry for writing so much. I'm just looking for ways to start to break through.
Welcome Kiyoshi. You mention not knowing how to be yourself. Sometimes people find out who they are by hanging out with different groups. Did being in the other forum teach you anything about who you are? Or show you examples of who you are not? The other part that helps is counseling. Have you ever tried that to address the deep questions you have?
Thank you, and thank you for replying! I don't really know, no. It taught me a bit, but I mostly interacted with one or two people in the end to be honest. I did post regularly, but I struggle with groups sometimes. To be honest none of it really affects me in a positive way now. I am trying counselling right now, and I've tried it before, it has a limited effect on me. I have too many things to talk about and there's too little time. Counselling helps me a little with things like techniques, lessons on self esteem and similar things but when I come away from a session I never usually feel any better about myself or my life. Things are pretty stressful even when I spend most of my time at home. I can watch videos and fill in forms as much as I like but the moment I have to live my own life again all the fears come tumbling back and no amount of pieces of paper can help me. It's difficult for me to interact with people, normally anything more than one person at a time and I freeze. I don't really know how to stop feeling so afraid and alone.
I think learning to function socially in groups, for a lot of people, is an acquired skill. It takes practice. For some people, the issue may be feelings of anxiety, or the more technical aspects of when to join conversations and the dynamics of it. If there are any social skills groups where you live, consider joining those - working on issues that come up in social situations really requires being in a group rather than one-on-one, from what I know. It might help. As for getting over losing people... people come and go and it took me years to get over it as a kid. It's easier to accept/cope with when you're in a stable situation, in a relationship or a family of your own but it still sucks and to me always feels personal, even though I know it usually isn't. It's just natural social dynamics and not much can be done but to try and get yourself back out there and create closer interactions with the people who are still there. It hurts, but nothing can be done but to try and live through it until you find those who do stay. Take care.
To be honest I find groups disengaging. I prefer to connect to people one at at time, and only really get along in groups if I already know most if not all people there. I tend to be more of a private person and I find opening up to people I don't know to be sometimes hard. I'm not really in the most stable situation but I do have a few constants in my life and it doesn't help too much. I do get the natural social dynamics part though. Thank you for replying.
Hey Kyoshi, I just want to let you know you're being very brave and how you open up your feelings trusting especially to us here and let you know that it is ok how you feel and no judgments here. What i like here is that i know we all strangers from different states or miles apart from a different world but we share the same struggles ,may not be totally the same but strange how we actually have something in common. I have low points in my life too in my relationship its not all perfect and not certainly with rainbows and sunshine every day but having to talk to at the end of the day helps a lot and makes a difference. Im a private person as well like you but the struggles we have some times others from the outside world dont understand or accept the way how most of the people do here in the forum or vice versa but it is just feels great to let it out and speak our minds here thru writing if we dont normally say it out loud . Hope im helping a bit but we are here to listen.
I suggest joining small groups that are doing activities you do or are interested in trying. Besides family and former classmates, virtually all of my friends are from shared activity groups like art, music, and martial arts. One thing I haven't tried but have been interested is a local board gaming community. Tonight I just came from a weekly pottery class I've been taking for years, and it's nice to do a creative activity with other people and get to know their lives. Interacting online is okay, but it is sometimes too easy for other people to get busy and just stop interacting. In-person socialization helps to build stronger connections. I know you said groups can be disengaging, but you don't have to be friends with everyone in the group. I will be friendly with everyone, but I choose to spend the time with those who show genuine interest and similar personalities.
