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I made myself throw up

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Keru, Sep 13, 2019.

  1. Keru

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    Hi. Please don't read this if you might find it triggering.

    Like two or three months ago I made myself throw up after eating too much. I can't even remember what made me decide to do it but it seemed to make sense.
    It didn't become a regular thing but I did do it again three more times during the following time. Then I tried a fifth time and I couldn't get anything up, and I thought, ok maybe my subconscious is giving me a figurative kick in the ass because it's just a really stupid thing to do. So I more or less decided to not to it again.
    The past week has been kinda rough though and a couple of days ago I ate a whole bag of spicy crisps and I forced myself to throw them back up even though it hurt like hell. Later I binged and made myself puke again.
    I know I shouldn't be doing this and in "normal" moments I think I won't do it again because it's stupid and gross. But realistically I know it's likely I will do it again. Just because in some moments I don't see a reason not to do it.
    It's hard to explain but when I eat I'm too busy to think. And when I force myself to throw up it feels right because I'm disgusting and deserve punishment.
    It should feel wrong but it doesn't and it'd weird and I don't know what to feel.
     
  2. Kiyoshi

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    Please don't feel bad about yourself.

    Maybe you could go and see a doctor? They may be able to help you.

    There is nothing stupid about what you're doing. You're not doing it on purpose. I think you may need a little help but that is absolutely fine.

    Your number one priority is to look after yourself, make sure you're okay. Everything else can come second. If you are feeling the pressure, not doing so good right now and it is manifesting in the ways you describe, help is out there. All you need to do is ask. But this is not your fault. It is something bad that's happening right now, but there are ways to manage and fix it.
     
  3. Kiyoshi

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    Sorry, I meant to say something bad that's happening to you and not something bad you're doing in the last sentence. I hope that makes sense.
     
  4. Goya

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    Are you able to get some support with this as it sounds like it’s much needed? There are some very good groups, therapists etc that will be able to help you
     
  5. SoulSearch

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    I’m sorry you struggling. Are you able to see a therapist to help you work through this? I don’t know a lot about it, but my intuition says it will be easier to ask for some help now than it will be if this becomes a routine for you. Hope you are able to find some support.
     
  6. D Artagnan

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    @Keru I'm going to get right to the point in hopes that you will get help as soon as possible. It sounds like you are at the beginning stages of bulimia nervosa. While it seems somewhat harmless, it is actually very serious disorder that can end very, very badly. I highly recommend finding medical help as soon as possible.
     
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