Torn

Hey its a really tough decision to make and one that i think everyone in your position struggles with. Perhaps it is not to see it as though telling her will be liberating and good for her but rather to think of it as a necessity for your own health. I am sure she would rather know your truth than find that you had committed suicide due to not being able to live in the closet anymore.
Let's say for a moment that your son had been in a situation where he was married to a girl and had a child before he committed suicide. If he was in a similar position to you, what advice would you give him? I am sure you would tell him to just be honest rather than take his own life.

 

I know it doesnt make it easy. EC can try and help support you through it if and when you think the time is right.

 

A lot of us have been in your position and it's the most difficult decision we ever have to make. I'm sorry and sad that your son took his life, just awful and the hurt and pain must stay with their loved ones forever for people in these situations. .
Alot of us do eventually decide to come out and I was 42, married to a woman and I'm the father to our three children. Those first 6 months after I left were the toughest in my life but the dream to live authentic and proud to be gay was so strong one day I thought enough is enough. After 18 months the whole family is in a good place.
I think you said your 54 so you have many years to live if you choose a happy gay life and you will meet someone for sure. The app I was on had loads of guys over 50.
I left when my children were 13,10 and 6. But I'm actually a better father to them now I don't live with them, though I see them very regular.
Think carefully what you really want for your future and then grab it be the balls.
Today I actually wore a LGBT heart badge on my jacket when I went out. I just have such pride for the LGBT community and now co run a LGBTQ social group in my area which 104 local people have joined!
Life is what we make it and this could be just the beginning for you.....
Jon x x

 

The decision to come out is difficult and filled with many conflicting emotions. The decision to act on coming out and leave the safety of the known to venture into the unknown is even more challenging. The ability to finally live as an openly gay man is the result of making those tough decisions. They are not easy and take courage but t in the end worth it.

 

Hi @David54 -
I hope you get comfort knowing you're not the only one. Feeling isolated and confused, I reached out here on Empty Closets a year and a half ago. Things are much better now, even though I still have hurdles to overcome.

I know what you mean about burdening your wife with the truth of your sexuality, it's not what our wives thought they were signing up for. I strongly hope you realize that if you were to harm yourself, that would be a far greater burden to bear.

Posting and reading here is a great resource. Do you have counseling resources available to you? It really helps to talk out loud, particularly with someone who understands LGBTQ issues.

You're not alone, David54. Having you here helps me to remember that I'm not alone either. Thanks for joining.

=Sevn

 

Yup. Been here. "You made your bed, now you have to lay in it." That thought process was what kept me in the closet for a very long time.

I don't have a good answer for you. There are choices you can make, but each one carries its own consequences, only some of which you can see now. I came out, as you said, because I simply couldn't live in the closet any more. Indeed, that's the point at which most of us do come out, when continuing to be closeted becomes intolerable. It seems that perhaps you are reaching that point yourself?

I would suggest to you that in your efforts to avoid burdening your wife, suppressing who you are will ultimately burden her the same. As you have pulled away from her in your waning interest in her sexually, romantically, intimately, you are burdening her. As your health becomes increasingly compromised by stress, pressure, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, depression, you are burdening her. The closer you get to truly accepting yourself as the gay man you are, it will likely be very difficult to keep this all in without it affecting your moods, temperament, and relationships.

You came to this site because you are struggling with this decision. I'm sorry to say that the feelings and thought processes that brought you here aren't going to go away. Perhaps you can see a therapist and work through this process?

 

Hi David,

"You made your bed and now you have to lie in it" is pretty much how I felt for years and years and years. Then I met a man and fell deeply in love with him. I realized I had never really been "in love" before. That is what precipitated my coming out. It took a year, and right until the last minute, I was never sure I'd be up to it. Flash forward — it's five years later. My wife and I still live together in our family home where we raised two children. The "love of my life" is no longer in the picture (he disappeared two weeks after I came out), but my wife and I both have steady boyfriends, and we sometimes make up a foursome for dinner or holidays with the kids (who were totally accepting from the get-go). In two weeks I'll be 69. I'm still very active sexually, and these past 5 years have been the best of my life. Not all outcomes are as good as mine, I realize, but I truly believe that the stronger the bond you already have with your wife, the better the chances for a positive outcome in situations such as these.

I would also say that being here, on this web site, in the year preceding my coming out, helped immensely. After I came out I also joined a men's group in Seattle for fathers coming out to their families. I'm not sure that such a thing would exist in Nanaimo (where, incidentally, my mother was born, in 1910), but it wouldn't hurt to look. Good luck, whatever you decide to do!

John

 

Someone above mentioned never being truly in love with their wife. I really get that. If we are gay I don't think we do really truly love our wives. It's a different type of love we have for them.
I didn't realize this till I left and had a much younger boyfriend for three months this summer. I knew the relationship wouldn't last because he was very complex. But I also remember having these feelings at 42 I had never felt in my life before, difficult to explain. But I was on my way to falling in love for sure.
On another note, if I'm honest we have a duty to tell our wives in the end because we are being dishonest and we need to set our wives free to find true love and happiness. Well that's what I felt, like at 42 I had set her free. She's only 39 and deserves to be truly happy too.
There can still be a relationship between ex husband and wife. I talk to mine most days, we have children together so I need to communicate. Yes she was very bitter for 12 months but life goes on. And she even invited me round for dinner the other week. She has a BF and we all sat round the table together! With the children! I know he isn't the right BF for her but that's none of my business.
Most of us do eventually come out because we can't no longer hide it any longer. I felt like I was going to explode and I felt really very unhappy. Coming out has changed my life for the better for sure. It made me a much happier person and I have many friends in the LGBT community. Yes it takes a huge amount of courage to admit to the world we are gay but that's what we are, and we should be proud and not ashamed.

 

Yesterday at Starbucks I noticed a hetero couple sitting together. Their body language, gently leaning in toward each other, their facial expressions and motions, everything said this is a couple in love for the long haul. I'm left wondering, do I not feel that because I married the wrong woman? Or do I not feel it because I married the wrong gender?

 

Sevn

Everyone deserves to feel what you describe. You once mentioned that you did have a relationship with a woman where you felt those types of feelings. Maybe there is the answer you seek there rather than looking at your relationship with your wife?

When it comes down to it, we deserve to be with someone who we can be happy with. I almost wrote "someone to make us happy". But, that is no one's responsibility except our own. I think that happiness can be pretty complicated. For some of us, the traditional family unit is something that we believe makes us happy. But, I wonder if sometimes we confuse contentment and fulfillment. We become afraid to rock that boat even though no one can flourish in the status quo?

 

I never knew true attraction until I was with another man. Suddenly a curtain lifted and the passion romance and sensuality was there. It felt so incredibly right. 3 years out and 2 years into the most loving exciting relationship of my life. Never have looked back those painful memories of years in the closet have faded. Embracing being gay has made me a best and much happier person.

 

David, I'm not sure I can offer much advice since I'm in the same positon as you, but just wanted to let you know your not alone. From what I can see there are a lot of great people and advice on this site that will help you.