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Screw it I guess I'm bi but I wish I wasn't

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Leah061, Sep 9, 2019.

  1. Leah061

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    After spending so much time questioning and analyzing myself, I feel like I should have more of an idea of who I am by now. Ever since I started seeing myself as a lesbian, whether it was an internalized homophobia knee jerk reaction or something else, I've tried to find a way to convince myself that I'm not. Even though when I really think about how I truly feel, I think that I do have some attraction to men that can't be explained away as compulsory heterosexuality or anything else. I don't understand how I feel for men still, but I think it's time to recognize that these feelings might not ever go away. And it's made it soooo stressful in identifying as a lesbian. It's made me feel wrong and trapped in that word, even though a lot of days the thought of being a lesbian makes me so happy and feels right.

    I don't want to be bisexual, but I've never dealt with the fact that me not wanting to be bi has to do with my internalized biphobia. It seems like it's a less serious label than lesbian, and it feels like I'm really just straight. It makes me feel embarrassed about having gone so long identifying as a lesbian, like I'm just another straight girl going back to men after dabbling with women.

    Maybe I really am gay and I'll come to that realization later on, but when I start to think of myself as gay it stresses me out and I test myself constantly to see if I could be bi, and I'm just sick of fighting those thoughts off. It's taken so much out of me. And it's so much harder to fight those thoughts when you're dealing with such a small lesbian dating pool. I've had my dating app settings set to only women for almost two years now. I only get a handful of matches, even when there are matches, they don't message me back or at all, even when we actually message each other, we almost never meet up, and even the few that I have been able to meet, there wasn't much of a connection. I have to put so much effort into dating women, and even then, nothing really happens. Whereas, yesterday I switched my setting to men, and within not even an hour, my inbox was overflowing with messages. I have felt so lonely that it's kind of a welcome change.

    As much as I don't want to confront my internalized biphobia and wish I could just be a lesbian, maybe it's time to give in to the possibility that I'm bi, and not a lesbian. So I'm gonna try that label out and try not to feel so bad about it.

    Has anyone ever felt like this?
     
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  2. Cind Ace

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    Hey Leah061,

    I can imagine how hard you felt this time coz Ive been there in your shoes which I was really confused back then and i tend to be over analyzing everything i do in life. Before i didnt intend to make any labels at all other than i thought I was Bi and i had short relationship with men yet were also genuine . But as time goes by after soul searching,i had to figure out who i really am. I know i was bi then and i could love whoever person would come to my life regardless either of sex.
    But the more i was trying to settle to that stage that im both comfortable with either of sex ,i knew deep down Im more interested in girls than i do with men.
    Chemistry wise or intimacy it was never dull with girls but only platonic to men even if i was used to hang out with them .
    I know its quite hard to understand we all have different experiences as we come out but don't rush nor anxious on meeting someone or settle for just the attention u get more from either of the sex.He/She will come around when least expected when you dont overthink and dont be hard to yourself as well. Try be more patient we never know maybe the next one is just by the corner.
    Good luck girl!
     
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  3. Leah061

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    I just wish I could be okay with being bi. It makes me sad that I like men, but I know that I do, and I know that that stressed me out when I identified as a lesbian. I feel like people hear bisexual woman, and think it means straight woman. I guess I just feel like I have to call myself bi since it seems that I like guys and can't comfortably rule them out, and that's why I don't like it.
     
  4. regkmc

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    I hear ya. I am more and more open to being with a man, but I still like women. And I feel silly saying it sometimes, because even in the LGBT world I have come across very few openly bi men.
     
  5. Contented

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    There is nothing wrong with being bi however in reading your posts I don’t get that impression. No expert here only opinion , it seems you are a lesbian still adjusting to life as a lesbian. Perhaps mixed with the frustration of not being able so far to find that special connection with another woman. Kind of hedging your bets and playing both black and red for safety sake. That’s ok but in the end will being with a man truly satisfy you? Only you know the answer and I suspect you already do.
     
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  6. regkmc

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    Would you be able to be in relationship with a man and woman at the same time?
     
  7. Cind Ace

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    Aww i get you .Its quite hard really in any ways people always had something to say regardless of what we do or choose.
    I wish there were no labels at all to begin with. I believe it did complicate a bit more on the lgbtq world ,not only it feeds judgments but stupid presumptions are also in the air some times.
    But no matter don't let it get under your skin though and dont stress yourself over it. I know it is hard to figure out but dont rush identifying yourself just love freely whoever comes to your life.
     
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  8. Lexa

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    I've been angry at myself for still being attracted to men because I don't have a lot of good experiences with them. And in general I am even afraid of them (working on the issue, at least I'm not afraid of my male therapist anymore). The thing is I can't help it, I'm still attracted to men. Definitely not a lesbian in denial. It is what it is. We can not change our sexual orientation.
     
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  9. Marss

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    You are valid and Queer! This is your life and your own experience! There is nothing wrong with being Bi..if anything it can be seen as a gift. Whatever you may be, be proud of it! don’t let others put you down and don’t be bound to labels. Easier said than done but it is the truth. Hope this helps slightly.
     
  10. 0to21

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    While I feel uncomfortable and kind of guilty about the idea of helping to decide this for someone else, this post is kind of surprising since I've read your posts before and admired how well you articulated the experience of being in denial, being attracted to women while dealing with the influence of compulsory heterosexuality etc.

    You say you're attracted to men in ways that can't be explained away by compulsory heterosexuality, though. So, what does your attraction to men feel like?

    This reminds me of a video Shane Dawson made about his first time dating guys. He mentions that a lot of the time, it ended up feeling like they were parting ways as no more than platonic friends. But this didn't change the fact that he was attracted to men - and he is now engaged to one. So if this is at all like you, then maybe there's still a wall you're putting up with women without being fully aware of it? I'm clearly not a great source for dating advice since I have zero experience in actually making friends let alone dating, but this video came to mind and I felt it may resonate.

    But yes, what you've described has happened to me before: I'll question whether it's all just my past messing with me and only "allowing" me to be attracted to women, but other than that - along with the deeply ingrained compulsory heterosexuality and male-centricity - I can't recall an inkling of actual attraction to anyone who wasn't female. So I'm just going with that for now.
     
    #10 0to21, Sep 11, 2019
    Last edited: Sep 11, 2019
  11. Leah061

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    I guess it's just that when I thought I was straight and dated guys, I know that while a lot of what I felt was fake/exaggeration, some of it was genuine. I spent years of my life imagining myself with and fantasizing about guys, and it didn't feel like a lie at all. What you said about never having an inkling of attraction to anyone who wasn't female isn't something I relate to, because it seems that there have been more than a few times in my life where I've had feelings for men.

    It seems like some of my experiences with men are a little too genuine for me to comfortably identify as a lesbian, and I know that the past is the past and I was very much influenced by compulsory heterosexuality and I don't have to define the present by the past, but I'm afraid that if I could feel anything remotely genuine for a guy in the past that I could fall for one in the future, which makes calling myself a lesbian really confusing and distressing.

    Weirdly, I only feel good about my attraction to women when I begin to think that I'm bisexual. When I see myself as a lesbian, I just feel freaked out and like I have to work hard to prove to myself that I could not ever find happiness with a man. That's what being a lesbian has become to me, and it's exhausting, especially when it seems like not all of my past feelings for men were definitely the result of compulsory heterosexuality.

    And even though I've known for a long time that I'm attracted to women, the idea of actually dating women, and being in serious relationships with them is still so foreign to me. I can't see myself with women with total clarity, even though I know I like them. Whereas, even though I don't like men the way I like women (if I even like them at all), it is so easy to see myself with a man, and that picture feels more familiar to me. I mean, I'm also aware of the fact that in the picture where I see myself with a man, I can't see a specific man (which of course is text book comp het), but I can't help but find comfort in that hypothetical situation.
     
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  12. Leah061

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    I totally feel that. I’ve read for so long that wishing you weren’t attracted to men is a sign of compulsory heterosexuality, and I think there’s a lot of truth to that, but also there are other possibilities for why someone might feel that way. I always thought wishing I wasn’t attracted to men so I could just be a lesbian meant that I actually was a lesbian and therefore not attracted to men. But if you feel within you the words “I wish I wasn’t attracted to men,” aren’t you kind of admitting that you have some kind of attraction to men?
     
  13. Leah061

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    I guess I don’t know one way or another if I could be happy with a man, a woman, or either. I mean I know I went a long time assuming I’d be happy with a man, so the thought of ending up with one doesn’t feel totally wrong. But I also can’t see myself with a woman very clearly, even though I’ve known for a long time that I’m attracted to them. I guess in time I’ll be able to have a clearer answer to that question but for now, I know that it’s not easy dating women, I’m lonely and it feels safe and comfortable dating men, and that it seems as long as I call myself a lesbian, I’ll just stress myself out about whether or not I should just admit that I’m a bit attracted to men and identify as bisexual.
     
  14. Leah061

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    I don’t know if I’d be into a polyamorous relationship honestly. I think I’d rather just have one partner, I just can’t figure out if I’d truly be happy with a woman or a man.
     
  15. regkmc

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    Only one way to find out, I suppose. Try both and see how things feel. For me, making some gay friends and meeting new people (without worrying about sex) has helped me become more comfortable. This has opened the door for me to consider that I could have a relationship with another guy, at my own pace. I have had to get out of my head, though, and in the arena. First as a spectator....then slowly as a participant.

    You can do it! Peace and love.
     
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  16. Cind Ace

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    I couldn’t agree more what you've said. Yeah, by the way it looks you have to go out there be brave ,dont be over analyzing anything what would happen next. Dont label yourself just because thats how you see yourself as you are used to the other sex but try to come out there and hang out with people with different experiences . Dont be too hard on yourself just because you think you're in a limbo of how you will react of the situation.
    You are in a bicurious stage but to find out more of yourself which you only have to discover it by yourself in your own pace. Regardless what society outside dictate you or the urge to know right away ,believe me it will come out just like that. You will find someone out there and who deserves you as a wonderful being .If it doesn't work then it’s time to move forward ,learn lesson but don't stop yet be open-minded.
     
    #16 Cind Ace, Sep 12, 2019
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2019
  17. Leah061

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    It's so weird, since posting this and changing my label to bisexual, I almost feel more sure that I'm not attracted to men after all, and I feel much better about my attraction to women? This happens every time I start to wonder if I'm actually bisexual, I finally start to feel like it's okay if I make myself exclusive to women, and then I start to think I'm really a lesbian. But then, when I think I'm a lesbian, like I said, I just feel stressed out and like I need to constantly test myself to make sure I could never ever be with a man, and I even start to feel guilty about not liking men. It is mentally exhausting, and I don't know if I can keep it up. So for now, all I know is that I feel the best about myself and what I want identifying as bisexual, even though I don't plan on explicitly saying it to anyone and I am aware that it seems my attraction to men may not actually be real. I think I may not actually be bisexual, but even in the last few days, I've felt so much more at peace with the way I feel about women. It's not a bargaining thing, I know what I feel and what that means, but it seems like at least for now, this is the only way that I won't freak out over my attraction to women. I know in time I'll understand myself more and it'll get easier, but for now, I feel like this is what I need to do to stop spiraling. I have no idea if any of this even makes sense to anyone else...
     
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  18. Contented

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    Makes prefect sense. Relax and go with it. You eventually will find the path best for you. Honestly you never have to label yourself if you don’t want to. Just enjoy your attraction to women and see where it leads.
     
  19. sjax0628

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    I have been experiencing this same thing lately. I was convinced for over a year that I’m only into girls. But now men are kinda starting to creep back into my mind, unfortunately. It was causing me a lot of mental stress. I finally decided to just let it be, feel whatever I want to feel and not worry about it. For the most part, I’ve been a lot more relaxed about it.
     
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  20. Unsure77

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    Could you just call yourself “queer” and call it a day for now? It lets you quit worrying about the bi vs lesbian label while making it clear you’re not straight. Then let the rest sort itself out in time?
     
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