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Crashing hard from a crush

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by baristajedi, Sep 6, 2019.

  1. baristajedi

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    Hi everyone,

    I hope you’re all doing well... I need advice or insight in some way. I’m having a real gay crisis right now. I’ve been out now for 4 years, and I’ve been in a few relationships since then. But I think this is the first time feelings for someone have hit me like this, and I think I’ve completely fucked everything up with this girl already :frowning2:

    I am surprised at what I’m feeling. I started having a crush on this girl in about June, I noticed her earlier (we met in March) and I always had those kind of nice feelings about her, thought she’s attractive etc. But since June it all really hit me hard. My feelings for her are really strong. They twist up all my insides...

    She hasn’t been out long, and hasn’t had much experience. She’s one of us! People coming out later in life.

    We’ve been seeing each other about a month but because of how much I like her, I’ve been nervous, and it’s taken me ages to make each move...I also knew she wanted to move slowly. Anyway we’ve only just had our first kiss a week ago. It was magic.

    Yesterday we had a conversation where I was trying to establish her feelings for me and it came across that I was questioning whether she’s being honest, which is not at all what I intended!!

    I feel like my behaviour is scaring her away. And I’m really feeling so dumb for my feelings and their intensity. I don’t know what to do at this point, we’re supposed to see each other Tuesday. I just feel like I’ve totally messed this up. And I’m also worrying now about my own intense feelings, like I’m thinking should I be so caught up in this? A part of me almost feels I should just totally back off, but I can’t articulate why and of course at the same time I also want to reach out to her right now. I feel like such a fool, so totally exposed and just so stupid in my intensity of feelings.
     
    #1 baristajedi, Sep 6, 2019
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2019
  2. LostInDaydreams

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    Hey @baristajedi :slight_smile:

    Just to clarify...is this stuff you’re assuming, it has she said something to you along these lines?

    Have you tried just a quick message/text to say “Sorry if I came across...”? Just keep it light and casual.
     
  3. SevnButton

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    Hi @baristajedi. First, big hugs to you! I think with many things in life, it's the "not knowing" part that's the hardest. As for advice, I think your inner wisdom is guiding you well. Take a breath, and proceed into the future one step at a time.
     
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  4. Monraffe

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    Be aware that what seems like “ages to make each move” for you may seem like moving too fast for her. Your suffering comes from your insecurity, and it’s logical that you would feel this way, but she is actually in the more difficult situation here. She obviously cares about you and doesn’t want to hurt you but she doesn’t share your feelings, at least not as intensely as you do. At this point she is neither drawn to you in nor is she pushing you away. That’s a sign that now is not the right time to put pressure on her. When you see her tomorrow night instead of letting her know how you feel, let her know you understand how she feels and apologize for rushing her into this. Tell her you will try to slow it down and you are willing to be just friends if that’s what she decides is best. Putting the other person’s feelings ahead of your own is an expression of love. Asking them to accept your feelings is not.
     
  5. baristajedi

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    Hi :slight_smile: we actually had a fairly detailed text exchange about the misunderstanding, so that’s kind of settled (sort of), but we’re going to talk in more detail tomorrow. We’ve been talking like normal since then as well.

    I have since looked back at everything and I feel strongly that everything I’ve said and expressed is not wrong in any way. I took the stance of saying sorry at the time because she was upset but I have looked again at everything and I feel I now have a really logical understanding of both of our perspectives. Neither of us is wrong and both of us need to open up about our expectations. I hope we can do that tomorrow.

    I feel so much more relaxed now about everything. There was a period where my feelings got really intense because things suddenly changed (from her side). She gave some really confusing signals, in one hand expressing no interest through messages (which she previously had done regularly), yet in person behaved clearly as though she likes me. So I got really emotional about that change, and now I’ve calmed most of those emotions. I’m glad because I really want to be rational and balanced in seeing both of our sides tomorrow.
     
  6. Cind Ace

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    Hey baristajedi,

    She might not be at the same pace as you are but that doesn't mean she doesn't care or love you.
    Sometimes we care so much for someone we don't realize how we rushed them . You have to tell her honestly & have a serious talk about how you didn't mean to be rushing her or you came too strong in some ways to her or last thing you wanna do is make her feel pressured .
    Tell her that you’d try to slow down and it was never an intention for you to question her and hurt her in that way that it sounded like you're validating your relationship to her.
    Don't let her wait for days to reach out to her if you are battling how to deal about it ,you'd rather do it sooner than later so she’d see how serious you are to her and that apologetic in some ways you think she didn't deserve.
    You can do it baristajeid!!! Good luck and go get your girl!
     
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  7. baristajedi

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    Hi sevn:slight_smile:

    Thank you, I think the need to take a deep breath is really true, I have been working through my feelings and have taken a massive breath and I’m feeling a lot better for it.
     
  8. baristajedi

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    A lot of what you say here is so on point but it’s funny because reading what I’ve written I don’t know how you could see that :grin:

    I plan on saying that tomorrow that I know I have a certain pace I’m comfortable with and it may not match hers, and again acknowledge that I’m happy to be her friend if that’s a better way of going forward. That said I think our paces at this time do match well. As I mentioned in my response to lostindaydreams, the thing that created loads of tension for me was that there was a sudden change in her behaviour and she was giving lots of mixed signals. No doubt that means that she’s either trying to work through her own feelings or trying to communicate something to me but it honestly just led me to going in an emotion loop. But now that I’ve calmed down my emotions a lot, I can see that intensity was triggered by specific things, and actually we can likely meet each other’s needs. Who knows about the future, but I can see that for now there’s likely hope to do so. Still I’m really just wanting us both to feel good and if that means friendship, that’s ok.

    One thing I think I kind of don’t fully agree on is that I should only listen to how she feels. I think I’ve actually done a disservice to myself in our last conversation by jumping to understanding her feelings and needs totally and not mentioning mine. The questions I asked her were super sensible given all the context. But I immediately acknowledged how that all made her feel and disregarded my feelings in the conversation. Tomorrow I’m going to share my needs but with the understanding that she may not meet them and that might just mean we’re not suited. And that’s fine!
     
    #8 baristajedi, Sep 9, 2019
    Last edited: Sep 9, 2019
  9. baristajedi

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    Thank you :slight_smile: I think you’re absolutely right that she feels rushed. I’m going to tell her that tomorrow that it’s not my intention to rush her or put any pressure.

    I think that the idea that I feel she’s very special is the thing that’s scaring her though, so when you say that I can show her how seriously I feel for her, that may not actually be what she wants! But it’s ok. All I can do is be honest, tell her how much I care but I’m in no rush and I feel like we can take care of each other’s needs for pace and exploring feelings. And then I just have to see where it goes...
     
  10. Cind Ace

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    Yeah thats a good idea , i think you guys just follow thru where it leads you for now and you’ll go from there. I know it might be daunting for her you just being straightforward but it was not your intention at all. Just let her know you care for her and whatever reason if she needs to slow down a pace then you guys have to open more to each other. It really does helps if theres a good conversation ,one had to explain , listen and resolve and vice versa ,before it blow out of proportion or misunderstanding.
    Hahaha misunderstanding of two women believe me is endless and tough to console.
     
  11. baristajedi

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    So, update :slight_smile:

    We talked last night and it went really well and I feel it brought us closer and helped us understand each other’s needs. It was wonderful actually, because we talked and laughed while we talked and held each other. And had an amazing kiss (we kissed for ages haha) afterwards, which made my heart pound, and every part of me feel so many amazing things, holding her close to me feels so incredible.

    Anyway, she has not been able to open up most of her life. So this is all really huge, both of us are experiencing big things, new things, but this is particularly big for her to open up to me and to experiencing things that she’s experiencing with me. So today she has said the talk has opened up some difficult emotions.

    So I’m hoping she’s doing ok. I really just want to go to where she is and hold her, honestly. I think next time I see her I’m going to hold her so close. I sent her a message saying please tell me, if you feel you can tell me, whatever you need, whether it’s space and time, or to talk or to cuddle...

    I feel like this has brought us really close, and I feel like I’m so much clearer on everything. And I can give her what she needs more because of it, and both of us be mindful of my needs within that too. Like just time, space, a real sense of friendship and support above all else too. I really care about her. I already did before but I feel like this has deepened that a lot.
     
    #11 baristajedi, Sep 10, 2019
    Last edited: Sep 10, 2019
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  12. Cind Ace

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    Yassssss!!!! So happy for you both ! I like hearing people so happy esp how you guys been through a lot . Yeah for her its likely more of a new adjusting period and you just have to follow and go along with her pace and slowly discovering each other’s interests is really exciting. There must have been fireworks when you guys kissed in ages!
    Good job girl!! Genuinely happy for you!
     
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  13. baristajedi

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    Thank you :slight_smile: :slight_smile: :slight_smile: I really like her. I’m feeling so daydreamy today :slight_smile: :slight_smile: ❤️
     
    #13 baristajedi, Sep 11, 2019
    Last edited: Sep 11, 2019
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