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I have no idea what I am...(help) This is a really tough one!!

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Marss, Sep 8, 2019.

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What am I? (Gender identity’

  1. Cisgender

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  2. Transgender

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  3. Gender fluid

    2 vote(s)
    100.0%
  4. Non binary

    1 vote(s)
    50.0%
Multiple votes are allowed.
  1. Marss

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    Hello to anyone reading this! I’m new on empty closets so I’m not sure how it all works..but I’ll give it a go because I need some advice.

    I have been struggling with my gender identity. (Shocker!) but it really has been troubling me. I have been dealing with it for a long time. I was born a girl and I have no problem with that..but I feel like I’m something else also. (I’ll try and be blunt and to the point)

    Growing up. I was fine being a girl and I wanted to be the girliest girl because that’s what I thought I had to be but then puberty happened and I hated it. Bleeding wasn’t that bad for me but developing breasts was terrible. I hated them. I would look at drawings of the female anatomy in class and would feel sick, I was sick because I had those same parts. I also hated being preserved as female by other guys. I hated it so much that I would hide my body, tie back my long hair and shove it under a hat. It was sometimes unbearable to go outside because of it! because I hated to be looked at in that way! It would make me so angry but yet I didn’t want to be Male. (This has lasted for years!)

    Some would say that it’s gender dysphoria. others would say its body dysmorphia. I have no idea.

    I really like guys. despite negative history. I fancy them and I like girls also but I haven’t yet tried dating because of my circumstance.

    At times I do feel female but I long to look androgynous. To have little to no breasts, less hips, less thighs etc
    and since I cut my hair I do look allot like a cute boy. my face at least does anyway... Each time I feel okay and even comfortable with being a girl I slip up and begin to question myself all over again! which is really frustrating. (For the last 4 years)

    I don’t feel female sometimes and I fear it and I mostly feel it towards other guys... I would even consider experimenting if a guy was open to it. (Me being a boy sometimes) yet I wouldn’t want to leave my girl self behind either. Most of all I just want to be seen as me,

    I have looked up different terms. I thought I was transgender Male for a while but it didn’t last, it just frustrated me even more!! I then came across a term called Gender-fluid...but once again I am not sure! If I was would that make my attraction to men gay? or something else. Am I considered under the trans umbrella? or am I cis?

    What do you think everyone???? I haven’t mentioned everything but the things that I have said are major points.

    Thank you for your time.
     
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  2. BroRhap14

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    *mic drop* I completely understand the never ending battle of gender questioning and complacency. I'd say genderfluid x demiboy flux? And you can still be bisexual or pansexual for sure, based off of attraction. Somewhat luckily for me, I found out I liked girls long before really questioning my gender (I just identify as gay/queer. The term "lesbian" always bothered me because I'm like "I'm not... entirely? I dated strictly girls and am married to a woman but my gender identity is not entirely female so lesbian isn't quite the word, lol). Gender and sexuality are such a mess at times.
     
  3. Marss

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    Hi there thanks for your reply. Damn this is tough! xx
     
  4. Marss

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    By the way, do you think Gender-fluid/Demi boy fall under Transgender? would you consider it to be? I hear so many stories about trans boys who have no bottom dysphoria but still call themselves trans...

    *sigh*
     
  5. BroRhap14

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    From what I have read on teh interwebz, it appears that demiboy/genderfluid/etc. all fall under the trans umbrella due to it applying to people who do not identify in whole or in part with their assigned gender at birth.
     
  6. chickencat

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    I'm no expert on gender identity problems as I'm cis, but to the untrained mind this sounds like you could be genderfluid or something similar if you don't ALWAYS feel like a girl or ALWAYS like a boy. I'm sorry I couldn't be of more service, but I hope this wasn't unhelpful!
     
  7. Marss

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    Thanks for the thought! xx I’m taking it ALL in.
     
  8. Cinnamon Bunny

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    No one can tell you what your gender is, because only you know your internal experience and what feels congruent. At best others can tell you what you sound like or share their own experiences.

    Trans or transgender is an umbrella term for all non-cis identities. So if it helps, start there. You call yourself transgender or genderqueer.

    Have you seen a therapist yet about this? They could really help you sort out where these feelings come from and your doubts. They can help you from getting stuck or running your wheels as much or other unhelpful things.

    I personally struggled with the "where is this coming from" as afab person with not the best history with men. I also didn't have issues until puberty hit and didn't hate being female. Personally I'm pretty feminine and I really fit in as female in our culture so I get not wanting to leave that behind, because I don't. I like it here socially even if I dont 100% fit in. I sometimes feel male or female or nothing or " just me". I'm very uncomfortable with my body sometimes... though I know I'm "okay" because I numb out and ignore to cope. Right now I identify as transmasculine (with my gender expression all over) because I feel that best represents my heavy leaning towards wanting a male body, pronouns, and name but I'm not wholly male internally or always feel dsyphoric about my body. It took awhile to get to that point because I was entirely against it at first and didn't want transitioning, to be male, etc. I wasn't wholly being honest with myself tho.

    Some of the best advice I could give to you is to experiment with gender. If you haven't already, try different clothes: feminine, masculine, androgynous. Try binders, try packers, try pronouns, try out names. Notice what you actually like, what feels good, not what you think would look good on a female person or what's expected. See what it feels like to be acknowledged as male or non-binary (this is really easy to fo online or with supportive friends).

    Another thing is mindfulness. The state of being aware. It's used in meditations but it doesn't have to be spiritual, just a skill used to bring awareness towards your feelings or surroundings. You can find tutorials online.

    The other thing is, labels are just tools to use to help you understand yourself. Like a flashlight in the dark or a crowbar to pry away broaded up feelings. It's okay to try labels out, each one could give you insight. If it's not helping, doesn't work anymore just toss them. Get a new one or no label. The label isn't the important thing here, it's understanding what you feel and what helps. Labels are helpful for self expression too, but again, if labels are tripping you up: they aren't helping. Labels are just limited, fallible constructs. Focus on your experience and reality instead.

    In the end, you are you. No label can contain that. Notice what you feel and what you want to do.

    I realize I am uncomfortable in my body and would feel a lot better if I could transition. That was a painfully slow acceptance that was greatly aided by social support, my girlfriend, and my therapist.

    The label? Doesn't matter and could be inaccurate.
     
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  9. Hrafn

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    Hi there! I can totally relate to the endless confusion and complicated feelings that go along with questioning your gender identity. It took me a long time questioning to even arrive at a point where I was willing to truly entertain the point that I wasn't the person that I'd put forth to the world most of my life. While I was never very traditionally feminine and would have described myself as a tomboy from a very young age, I didn't think I might be trans until adulthood. I agree that no one else can tell you what you are, seeing as you are the only one privy to what's inside your head. That said, I do think what you are describing sounds like maybe you'd find some comfort in a non-binary identity. I understand that labels can give a sense of relief, or of belonging; they certainly did for me. I really needed some way to label my feelings in order to not just be hopelessly confused and terrified of myself. But I would still encourage you to not get too hung up on labels.

    I am comfortable enough with myself now to decide I want to transition, but man, was it confusing deciphering that I'm bigender (male/androgyne). And the self doubts certainly do still resurface occasionally. When I didn't quite feel entirely male, but definitely not female, it was very confusing to me, because I was still stuck on the binary. Experimenting was ultimately what helped me the most. Binding, trying pronouns online/with a friend, and making wardrobe changes made me really acknowledge what truly made me feel good. And it forced me to confront the fact that the way I presented myself for most of my life wasn't really me. It was just what I thought other people wanted to see, with bits and pieces of myself peeking through.

    Take it slow. Don't be too worried about sticking some label to yourself as quickly as you can. And try to experiment some if possible. Or find a professional you can speak to about these feelings. One thing I have advised other people as well that I found helpful, is to journal. Just write down what you're feeling everyday. It can help you to pick out patterns in what you're feeling and order your thoughts better.

    I hope some of this has been helpful. Good luck!
     
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  10. Marss

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    Hi there, yes! reading this has been a big help, thanks so much! It’s good to know that you aren’t alone in your feelings. Good luck also!
     
  11. Marss

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    Thanks for the reply! Definitely helps me out. I’m happy to know I’m not alone in my emotions and thoughts.
     
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