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Not sure if Demiboy or just Genderfluid...

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by BroRhap14, Sep 1, 2019.

  1. BroRhap14

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    Hello, I am new here. Been a while since I have been on any kind of forum website.

    Long post ahead: I am warning you. Also may contain foul language.

    I have moments when I feel very feminine and identify as a woman, like in the context of my marriage. I am a proud wife and I want the dress and the bridal party and the whole ten yards when we have the big celebration finally. In the bedroom, I am a woman and I feel mostly comfortable with my body with my wife. I forget the slight dysphoria that comes and goes when I'm making love with her.

    However, most of the time, I do not feel like a woman at all or female in any way and I have realized over the last 2-3 years that it has made me increasingly uncomfortable. Feelings I felt as a very small child have resurfaced and are invading my brain. I insisted I was a boy and I'd grow up to be a boy. I dressed in boy clothes and played traditionally male games and always wanted to be one of the guys. Somehow I had mostly female friends but I always felt so disconnected from them in a way I could not explain.
    Puberty was traumatic for me. I vividly remember hating swimming suits since I was about 8 so I started wearing tshirts and shorts over them. My parents told me not to wear that to my cousin's friend's pool party we were all going to but I did anyway and my cousin ratted me out and I got bitched at. For no real reason, even in retrospect. Why did it matter so much? Shouldn't my comfort come first? Especially since I was brought up to be hypervigilant around men anyway because all they apparently wanted to do was have sex with women and touch little girls.

    I always was a boy in pretend play, usually named Nathan or Tommy. Sometimes Jesse. Sometimes. In video games, roleplays, and stories, I was always a boy. I always identified most with male characters in movies and tv.

    When I was 10, I started middle school and was no longer allowed to wear boy's clothes but my grandma and stepmom let me wear androgynous girl's clothes (or as androgynous as existed at the time). My first sports bra was a nightmare and so was gym class when I had to wear it and had to change in front of the other girls who used to call me "faggot" and "freak" and "man" when I had no clue about gender or any kind of attraction yet (and they probably didn't either, if I'm being truthful).

    My first period, also at age 10, was the most horrific. Remembering now, maybe it was because that was the undying proof that I would not and could not ever become a boy. I was not a boy, I was a girl and here's why. So I mourned alone, quietly, for a few months, then forgot all about this discomfort for over a decade.
    I gave dresses and makeup and dating boys a try but all of these still felt kind of wrong. The latter of which I figured out for sure at 20. Women are beautiful. I rocked bridesmaid dresses and makeup on and off in my late teens and early 20s and even felt pretty doing so, but those moments of confidence and comfort in the feminine experience are few and far between. I am genderfluid af.

    However, the past few years, I wondered if I was trans, every now and then, in the back of my head, late at night, while drunk. It never quite felt like the right thing, though. I'm not entirely like my transbrothers or any of my cis male friends. Not entirely, anyway. I'm ok with my naturally androgynous body for the most part. I just have really bad chest dysphoria sometimes. I've been considering wearing a binder most of the time (and even top surgery one day). But at the same time, I do like my boobs sometimes and think they are nice and I don't want to mess them or my chest tattoo up with binding. I am stuck.
    Lastly, female pronouns (especially "ma'am" severely piss me off and it's getting worse). I have always disliked my birth name and always tried to go by Jess as it is kinda androgynous but still sometimes wish it was something else. I hate it when people (usually older white cis men) assume I'm weak or incompetent because I am female bodied. Bitch, no. I can get it myself. Thanks, tho.

    And then one day, I discovered a term while bored in the guard shack on a rainy day: demiboy. It all made sense. I still feel very genderfluid a lot of days, but I feel that this maleness I have been fighting for over 20 years is present every day. Laying dormant, waiting for a safe time and place to introduce himself/theirself. I am scared because of pretenders and fakes and assholes and I don't want to lose anyone or make people think I'm trying to be something I'm not. Plot twist, I've actually been pretending for 27 goddamn years.

    Help.

    TL;DR 27 years old AFAB genderfluid, may actually be demiboy. It feels right. Thank you for reading.
     
  2. Marss

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    Hi! I’m going through the same problem right now! It would be great if you could look at my own thread.

    It seems to me your feelings are intense. I get it. Can’t you be both a Demi boy and Gender fluid? or a fluid boy or Bigender? It seems fitting.
     
  3. BroRhap14

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    Yeah, the more I sit on this and mull things over, the more it just fits that I'm a demiboy/genderfluid. Especially because I just had 3 solid days in a row where being afab wasn't pissing me off constantly. I'm moving more back into my default guy brain though, lol (I work in Transportation at a warehouse and I can feel the irritability creeping up at every "ma'am", "miss", and "girl" from the poor nice truckers). I will check out your thread as well. And thanks for the input! Seeing as you're in the same boat as me, feel free to message me for brotips/venting/whatever.
     
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  4. Marss

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    Thanks! I was also wondering if your wife knows about your struggles? I’m sure if she understood she would be the best person to talk to. Are you comfortable coming out at work as Trans/Gender fluid? in the effort to try and change those annoying pronouns! Ma’m and Miss piss me off to. I miss the days where I would just ignore crap like that but now I notice it every damn time! AAHHH!!!
     
  5. BroRhap14

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    I'm thinking about telling my wife on National Coming Out Day. Gives me time to solidify things. She has dated a few trans guys and genderfluid women in the past and is best friends with a group trio of trans guys who happen to be brothers (and one of them is one of my best friends). I am a little scared to tell her or them though because the very bad ex my wife dated seemed to have possibly faked being trans to fit in (he was a very petty, jealous, chameleon of a person according to everyone I have talked to). I don't want anyone to think I'm doing it to fit in or anything. I just wanna be me. Also, the voice dysphoria is real today. Although I'm typically ok with my voice mostly because of my Issues/Fall Out Boy vocal range.