Married and bisexual.

Hi! I'm a married bisexual. I have a semi open marriage. My wife is OK with me having intimate male friends and I have a special friend. He's part of our family now.

I think my situation is pretty rare. it takes a LOT of time to keep two relationships going but I am sixty, no kids and my own schedule. I don't know if it would be possible for men with a day job and kids to find that time.

Did you ever explore with men? I didn't and the curiosity was killing me so my wife suggested I have some experiences. With limits. Before that, my wife and I would sometimes do some roll playing or guy watching. She attends Pride with me.

It's difficult to balance it all.

 

Hi @MBM4K54 -
My situation is much like yours, but my wife and I are struggling in our marriage and we very rarely have sex. Like you, sex outside of the marriage is not an option. I've thought about cheating, but it's clear to me that it would end my marriage.

I'd love to be intimate with the right guy, but at least for now that just isn't going to happen. What has helped me has been to be more honest with myself and opening up to a few people. Saying I'm bi doesn't obligate me to do anything, and the authenticity is empowering. I did open up to my wife a year ago, and unfortunately that has not gone well; in my opinion, her struggles with anxiety, depression and self-esteem issues has made it really difficult for her to even try to understand. What you decide to do should be based on your needs and values, and your choices need to take into account your wife's ability to work with you.

Good luck, man!

 

Im a female who came out 4.5 yr ago as lesbian but married to a man. Still technically married, 12 yrs now. Our son is 11. We have been in separate bedrooms for 5 yrs now no relationship other than living in same house for our son. I have had relationships with women, one pretty serious which was my original and caused a lot of problems and drama and my husband hated her, blamed her even though it wasn't her fault it was me. I have been seeing another girl for awhile who lives in another state (also unhappily married) who comes here for business once a month or every other month, and I see her when she is here and we text every single day and talk on the phone. I care about her a lot but we will never have a real relationship. I want to move out but every time I try to discuss he flips out. It is hard. I have had lots of sex with women since coming out. Life is short and its who I am, he knows it and chooses to try to get me to stay there so I am going to have sex with women and he knows that.

 

The grass being greener, generally, describes my experiences with men. I think if I would have had to leave my wife to explore the same sex sides of my sexuality I would be miserable right now.

I have a super unique thing going on. I met a younger man who my wife adores. He and I have a very close friendship that can never become more because of the age difference anyway. So, it works.

But, I have had a taste of what I desire and it is more than casual sex. So, that can really stress most relationships.

I will be in your situation again someday. Looking at ways to satisfy same sex desires in a monogamous marriage because I know I will never find this situation again. And, I'm
Not totally sure I want to.

I've found that I can get a lot of what I need by engaging with other gay and bisexual men in non-intimate settings. Sometimes just having someone that you know really understands the urges is helpful. So, it's possible that being bisexual in social settings could be something that would help you?

It is an issue for bisexuals...especially, I think for those of us who never explored same sex experiences before we were married. This lingering thought that we are missing something.

Do you and your wife discuss how you feel?

 

YES!!! What I crave is to be understood. That's why being here on Empty Closets is so important to me.

 

That's interesting. I've had zero tempting opportunities, maybe because I've been very selective about the people I've chosen to come out to: my wife, our marriage counselor, my individual counselor, my sister and the couple who used to be our neighbors.

 

Yes. Monogamy is a value for me. I've often thought that if I were in a gay relationship I'd long for straight sex.

 

Here's another thought I often have: there's definitely a dash of gay in me, but would that be such a big deal if my marriage weren't so rocky? If we got along and agreed on finances, parenting and housekeeping, maybe that dash of gay could be OK.

 

At the very beginning of coming to terms with my same sex attraction I was in a long term relationship with a woman. Up to that point we really didn’t have any huge issues. I tried for short time to say I was bisexual but in reality I knew better. Especially after rather quickly I lost the ability to be aroused by her. I tried however deep inside I knew something fundamental had changed in me. I felt awful but I had no choice but to leave the relationship. I struggled for period to find a way to make it work but the truth was I no longer could even fake it her. I needed to be with a man. This was many months before I finally came out as gay.

 

You’ve got lots of good responses here, so I don’t have much to add.
I have fantasy. My wife knows I fantasize about guys “in general” (not that I’ve got a particular guy in mind, so no crush or threat to her).
I find it important for me to hang out socially and in hobby situation with LGBTQ folks, especially men, as that gives me a sense of being part of the “family” and enjoying the vibe, having conversations about my situation, and nothing more. It seems to calm me, or centers me, or somehow brings a sense of reality not fantasy (sorry about not being clear, I just know it is good for me and isn’t leading me to do something which might upset my wife).

 

I am in somewhat similar situation.
Married for more than 15 years and we went through lots of things together. We have a daughter, who was born with life-threatening heart defect. After all that our relationships became very strong.
However, I recently came out to my wife as a bisexual and this was not easy for her at all. We talked a lot many times and it seems she now accepted it.
I never really explored my other side of sexuality. And I doubt I will explore it in a sexual way in any visible future. Sometimes all that fantasies drive me nuts, though I hope having conversations like this and being more open will bring me some calmness.

 

It’s difficult, to say the least. My guilt about being pulled in two different directions is emotionally and physically exhausting, the shame I feel about knowing I was gay/bisexual before I married my wife is debilitating. Unfortunately masturbation is a tool that I use to suppress what seems like nonstop homosexual fantasizing. The urge to hookup with another man is about to drive me crazy. I remember a guy told me to be careful about “allowing myself” to entertain gay thoughts and gay sexual urges. I was young and impressionable. He was married, a bit older and very gay. I didn’t realize that at that moment, but I began my lifelong stay in the closet because of those daunting words. And yes of course he told me this after we had sex and he was on his way to see the wife and kids

 

Hi,
You will have a different view from me as a guy married from Islamic country. I am married and I have 2 kids, almost 3 next month. I am 45 years today.
Basically my gay is stronger than my straight. I rarely interested to woman but to men, it is happen every day. As my past, I had a relationship with a married guy for 7 years in 2000s. That is the best achievement for my gay life. He so adorable and we act as friend now.
Now, I just follow my stream life. The great imagination for me is a man. Sometimes I am looking for a man too only for know each other but it is quite hard here to do for sex.You know, LGBT is a sensitive issue in my country.
I just let you know that you have so many choices in your country that LGBT is open and not sensitive issues. You can be totally gay, bi ( married but play with man) or you focus on your kids and wife. Just explore more which one you are interested in.
Good luck!

 

I suppose you cope in the same way (or ways) that 100% straight married guys cope with lustful feelings toward women who aren't their wives.