So, yesterday I had an appointment with my therapist. I told her that I want out. I want to separate from my wife. Because I'm gay, because I can no longer deny or hide it, because I can't continue living a lie, because I'm not being honest nor fair to her (and myself), because she deserves to have a man who loves her completely by her side, because I deserve to be happy as well, because no church minister is going to "un-gay" me, because if we stay together, our marriage will only get worse, because I care about my kid and I want to be a healthy father... A lot of valid reasons. But it doesn't make it any easier. So today I'm flooded with fear, guilt and second guessing. I mean...what if I'm wrong? Not about being gay, I know that for sure. But what if rejecting her love for me turns out to be the worst decision I'll ever make? And how can I do this to her? She's wonderful, the most amazing person I've ever met, the only woman whom I really fell in love with...the only one who managed to turn me on one day...the mother of my child..my companion, my best friend. She adores me! And I care so, so deeply about her...how can I be possibly planning on doing this to her? And my daughter... I won't see her everyday (probably my wife will move to another state) and that will destroy me. I love that precious, little thing. She's the light of my day, the one that kept me alive through all this. Just the thought of not seeing her growing up...devastates me. But I want out. I'm living a lie. I can't be the husband she deserves. And I long for a man. Having a meaningful relationship with one. But I keep thinking...what if, after sometime, I realise that wanting a relationship with a man was a mistake? What if it doesn't fulfill me? Once I longed for building a family. Marrying, have a wife and kids, taking care of them all, growing old together, loving her and taking care of her til death tears us apart...none of this will happen now. And I'm grieving this loss. So, because of this grief, I'm wondering if this is really worth it. It's a conflict in my soul, as you can see. Has anyone felt in a similar way? How did you handle it?
JToivonen I have similar problem with you, don't be sad. And my condition is worse than you because I am living in Islamic country. What you wrote here is my problem too, but I can't take decision soon because religion is the most important in my culture. Please go on with smooth that your wife and kids except you. I trust you can do it. Congratulations my friend, you are going to the next step don't stop. Greetings from Indonesia.
Most of us have faced similar situations as we came to terms with our homosexuality. In my case the pressure to live openly as a gay man was so intense and overwhelming that I had to act. Like you I cared deeply for my significant other but I could no longer be the man she needed. Nor could she fulfill my needs any longer. Frankly in the process I lost both the desire and ability to be intimate with her. I had no such problem with man I was seeing and became my BF/partner. As painful as it was it was best for both of us to call it quits. I won’t lie any say it ended amicable it did not however I am now living the life I had always dreamed of. It was worth it. Only you can determine the path best for your situation. Good luck and keep moving towards your freedom to be who you really are.
Thank you for the kind words. Did you experience any fear or second guessing before coming out and separating?
Sorry to hear coming out is harsher for you...I can only imagine how difficult it must be to be gay in a Muslim country. My heart reaches out for you, my friend!
At start some fear at what would happen with my relations with my family but no real second guessing. Separating was difficult for sure but no fear or second guessing there. I knew I had to go my own way.
When I first came out to my wife I had hopes of finding a way forward that didn't involve leaving her and being separated from my kids. The longer we tried to 'pretend' everything was normal the worse it got until it became obvious that the only way for me to be the best dad for my kids and the best person I could be was to leave. The emotional turmoil was, and still is, heart wrenching. The upside is that I feel like I'm no longer looking in at the world from the outside, that I'm a complete version of who I'm meant to be. It isn't easy but it still feels better than the alternative. Every day gets a little brighter.
I guess when the reality of being separated sank in I thought the worse as well. I am assuming by your op that you and your partner are still friends? Possibly best friends? My biggest fear which became a reality is I would lose my best friend, really my only friend. I waited too long and did some irreversible damage. However that may not be the case. There are many ways to go about it than just separate like co-parenting, perhaps even bird nesting. You don’t have to loose each other!!!!!! I have a 2year old and a 4 year old. In my experience you do whatever you have to do so they can see their parents happy, role modeling healthy relationships and growth. I wish you the best of luck, may time heal your families wounds.
I too pretend nothing was wrong but in a short time got tired of faking interest in intimacy with her. Reached the point it was distasteful and grossing me out to try. I need out and followed through. It was the only sane and fair thing to do for both of us. She did not take it well understandably and then tried to lay a huge guilt trip on me for ruining her life. Frankly I saved her from years of unhappiness married to a gay man who finally discovered he needed to be with a man. I am not sorry I did it but am sorry for the pain it caused. I am now in a wonderful openly gay relationship with my BF and I have no clue about my ex.
That's what I first planned. I thought that, by telling her the truth and not having to hide it anymore, it'd be enough for me. I was wrong. That's what's happening to me right now. In fact, it goes beyond in the sense that it started to threaten my life, since I'd turned suicidal. That's, I guess, my biggest fear. Specially her feelings. I'll be fine after some time. That's what I'm hoping for! I can't stay living like this much longer. I'm a person, for God's sake. I deserve some happiness too! The way things are going, no one is happy at home. And there's no reason whatsoever for me to believe it'll change. It's only gotten worse, as you said... it's a downhill trend. We are! And I truly love her, deeply! I would do anything in my power, within my reach, not to hurt her. But I am gay, that's a fact. Nothing will ever change it. I've been in denial for way too long. I faked it as much as I could, up to the point that I just couldn't make it happen anymore. It's been some months since we had sex for the last time. That's how I think nowadays and I wish she could do the same someday. Yes. It still frightens me as hell.
My ex-wife is a very complicated emotional mess, and my decision to come out actually was the ultimate trump card to play in order to end the marriage. I had long felt that coming out was something I'd do after we split, not before, since there were numerous cracks in our relationship that went back years. That being said, I genuinely cared about her (still do) and while I knew all this would hurt her, I also wanted to make it as easy as possible. I allowed myself to be the bad guy and still am looked down among some of her friends. But I wanted to make sure that our kids could see a couple things: one, that I wasn't breaking up the family i had committed to for purely self-centered reasons, and two, that i was genuinely interested in maintaining a good relationship with their mother, and didn't feel that I was throwing her away because I suddenly wanted something else. After all, if my daughters saw their dad basically thinking with his dick, it would hardly set a positive example for their own relationships. What I did do was bend over backwards to make sure she was cared for and not abandoned, even when I unexpectedly met The Guy a few months later. We have been legally separated for nearly 5 years so she could be covered on my insurance, and we didnt have to split up the house. We're in contact by phone constantly and while she is way too messed up for me to think I of her as a loyal friend, my conscience is clear and I feel that I'm setting an honorable example to my girls. I can't tell you how to handle this, and life has a way of messing up the careful plans we make anyhow. What I can tell you is, act like you love her and care for what she's going through, and make it clear that a big part of your decision is not just your own desires, but alsomyour love for her. And don't just act like it. Believe it and live it. If you're really just breaking up so you can be happy, and don't act like she matters, it will very quickly be obvious and you will lose any semblance of a friendship. Think about what she's going through, and make sure she knows it.
I came out 18 months ago, I live in the UK. Toughest thing I've needed to do in my life. My wife had suspended I was bisexual, I must have shown traits in my body language or behaviours I don't know. But I'm gay, she was the only woman I've ever slept with. After the initial shock a couple months later, we actually had more sex in a couple of months than in the past couple of years. She told me it was her way of trying to save our marriage. I still wasn't content and asked for a threesome. That's when it really collapsed, our marriage. We tried co parenting for a bit. But my ex wife was a person who couldn't live on her own. So within a couple more months she got a BF, a guy with many more problems than me just being gay. Once they got serious I left and that was 10 months ago. My ex wife and I couldn't even manage a sentence without screaming at each other, it was awful, toxic and affected our three children. However time is a healer and we now talk without any arguments. It's very difficult coming out, I saw a therapist for a number of months which was the best thing I ever did. I'm now openly gay and enjoying my life. I'm a better dad to my children. It's very tough but follow your heart. I'd been miserable for the past 5 years at least. I'd planned to stay another 10 years till my youngest was 16, but I woke up one Saturday morning and it was like a light switch had switched on in my head that that day I had to tell her. It was explosive but as you have read life goes on. I've had a few casual BF since coming out but I'm still looking for my soul mate. I knew I was gay but what if I didn't enjoy intimacy with a guy? Had I thrown my marriage away for nothing? Well I've learned alot about intimacy with a guy. My current partner is the best lover I've ever had so I'm very lucky. But I appreciate it's a big gamble to give up the family life we have all built up for ourselves. I'm 44 and had lied about my sexuality till I was 42, I just couldn't live the last half of my life with this lie and the guilt I felt everyday. Follow your hearts Jon x x
Your “upside” statement is SO resonant! It describes EXACTLY how I’ve felt since choosing to living authentically 20 months ago. For 28 years I had been a total stranger in my own family.) As you wrote, “I feel like I'm no longer looking in at the world from the outside, that I'm a complete version of who I'm meant to be.” Thank you!
