Incredibly sad

I couldn’t imagine not coming out. I came out over three years ago and asked for my divorce. Since I’ve had three deaths (grandpa, dad (step), grandma), the divorce was long, I’ve had my health issues and moms... so it’s not been a dream or rainbows and unicorns. But when I said those words... I’m gay, out loud was the first I felt like I could breathe. When I go out grocery shopping and know I don’t have to be ashamed when I hear someone call me out for being gay (which happened all the time before I accepted and came out) I feel proud. And the first time I got to be with a guy I finally felt what everyone always talked about when it comes to sex. Those are things that make it all worth it for me.

For me it’s not a grass is greener thing... it’s a life and death thing. I wasn’t living. Everyday I was going through the motions. I call my life before coming to terms with my sexuality a shadow life because that’s what it feels like. There was a lot of good times but they were all dulled because I wasn’t being me. I wasn’t free to enjoy it fully. When I realized I was gay and accepted I couldn’t go back in the closet... everyday after I said the words to myself till I came out was like a bit of my soul was being lost. Like I was on life support and it was starting to fail.

I know it’s not the right path for everyone. I know it’s not an easy path trust me. But I also know that fear of what if is toxic, and regret is one thing that can not be changed. Spending so much time on what might be in the future and could have been in the past makes us miss the now... which is all we have.

 

This is huge! Sending positive vibes and hugs!

Separating out your thoughts on life and what was pushed on you is such a huge step. It takes some time for sure but knowing you gotta re-evaluate it, having some clarity and peace. This post makes me super happy!

 

Your so right. You describe my life and feelings to a tee. I’m not out (yet). Only to my best friend (he’s straight but so supportive). I want desperately to come out to my wife. To feel free. Even if it will be unpleasant. Do you mind if I ask how you came out to your wife and what her initial reaction was.
Thank you for sharing your journey.

 

JT congrats on a brave bold step towards your gay identity. The path ahead will not be without significant bumps but it is truly worth it. Once you are free to be openly gay I think you find the peace of mind you seek. Others have said the grass is not always greener however you will never know that unless to step onto that grass. I would bet that you find it is exactly what you are looking for. Best wishes as you begin a marvelous journey of self discovery. Enjoy it.

 

It’s weird how alone we feel while we are in it, but in all honesty there are so many of ya guys who have and are struggling with this (being gay and married to a woman). Our stories aren’t identical but have so many similarities... sharing that does help. Or it did for me.

Honestly I waited for a weekend and a time I knew we’d have a few days that she wouldn’t have to be around people. Sat her down and told her the truth. Told her I had lied to myself about who I was since I was like 10. I believed the lie so much it became a truth. But I realized how unhappy I was and I had to figure out why. It was all because of this lie that I was “normal” like every one else. But the real truth is I’m gay. It’s something looking back I’ve always known but for several reason couldn’t face. I couldn’t be the husband she deserved. She deserved someone who could love her completely and I want that for her. I want to be able to be that person for someone too. And we needed to start discussing how to move forward as friends if she would like that because I would. But it was time to to start the separating process and moving forward with a divorce.

She was upset obviously. We cried. She asked questions like how could this be true? How could I know if I hadn’t been with a guy?Wasn’t I just confused from the sexual abuse I experienced as a kid? I answered everything she asked honestly, calmly, and tried to understand she was hurt. There was ups and downs over the next couple weeks as it sank in but eventually it all blew up with her realizing I wasn’t gonna go back in the closet. So we separated... she held up the divorce a bit but after time it was finalized rather easily the next year.

 

Well you told her about the way I plan on telling my wife. I think being honest and sincerely considering her feelings is the way to go. I think we owe them that much.
I’m still feeling really sad about the prospect of separation and divorce. We’ve made a good life together. It’s been a good partnership. But I guess that’s the problem. I need more than just a partnership.
Thanks so much for answering me. I really do appreciate it.
All the best to you.

 

Hey what a great update, so pleased for you.

 

Y

I came out to my wife over two years ago as a homosexual. I’ve been sorting my sexuality out for much longer. She asked me a very long time ago, before we married, if I was gay? Being the perpetual closest queer, I told her emphatically no. I was lying/hiding then as I have done now for decades. I was embarrassed to admit what I liked. I knew I liked being with men because I had experimented with gay relationships. Sex with men has always been more pleasurable for me than with women. I really like the way holding and making out with a guys makes me feel. Probably 15 years ago I realized I was going to have to admit to her that I was bi. She wasn’t surprised in the least bit. She knew I looked at gay porn. She wanted to believe me when I told her I was bi. I kind of believed it myself. I basically opened the floodgates though of homosexual feelings I’d been having since the last time I had been with a guy sexually. Bi seemed right at the moment, but I realized I was just letting her down easy. Being bi and married to a woman can be great if you’re not experiencing an overwhelming daily urge to be with a man sexually and romantically. I’m still not ready to say it’s completely over just yet, I do love her very much. Yes I can still enjoy sex with her. I bought us a strap on. It’s helping to some degree, it’s not gay sex though. I know time has run out on me and I just can’t stop thinking about loving on some other gay man who doesn’t have all the guilt and self loathing I’ve become used to when analyzing myself my sexuality and the poor choices that I’ve made along the way. What a head case!

 

I've read all this with interest as I am a woman in this same situation with my husband. We've talked about my evolving identity but I haven't laid down the divorce hammer yet - like OP, I have a massive issue with protecting others from harm and it feels like such a violation of something I've always valued so highly.

Anyway, I want some opinions. Our oldest is in college now and our twins are sophomores in HS. Originally I thought I would just hold off until all the kids were in college. But lately I feel bad about being dishonest and more internal pressure to make things happen sooner, even though I'm really emotionally unprepared for the drama of divorce and moving and finances and custody etc etc. So what do you think - wait, or don't wait?

 

BTW the current climate for coming out LGBTQ ️‍ is not as warm as it used to be. It’s almost scary the way things have reverted back, making it much more urgent to not hide the truth. Unfortunately that same climate is not very conducive to a coming out party for myself, making the decision to hide my true self away in the closet that much simpler/easier

 

I'm finding this to be the case as well, although it's certainly not the environment it was in the early 90s when I first thought about coming out. And I definitely agree with what you said about it being especially urgent to not hide the truth. We must stand up and be counted, now more than ever.