I've always known I'm bi, although I managed to go through long periods of time without thinking about it. When I was first married I tried to open up, but with the limited resources that were available in the 90's, I found myself getting pulled in a direction that was right for me, so I focused on my wife and family and a straight lifestyle. So now that I have reawakened to being bi, and realize that at some level I knew it all along, was I lying when I avoided thinking about it, and wouldn't talk about it?
Every person who has been through a coming out process at some point told someone they were straight when they later discovered they were bi or gay or trans or whatever. And many of us, when we first figure it out, aren't ready, don't accept it, or otherwise don't want to share with others. So I would say no... it isn't lying. It's a truth you may have believed at the time, and later realized wasn't the case.
Sevenbutton, I appreciate your posts as they seem so familiar as I have felt the same way myself. My longtime relationship with my wife has recently come to an end even though I really wanted it to work out. Intimacy issues were a primary contributor as I found excuses to shy away from sexual relationships out of dysphoria over my own body and the struggle with the idea of being naked in front of her unless it was in the dark. This was extremely debilitating but looking back on all of my heterosexual relationships it shows a pattern where in the beginning I was all into the closeness and infancy only to slowly revert to what can best be described as homoerotic fantasies that made me feel guilt and disgust with myself . I honestly believe that I’m bi and always have been but my closed mindedness towards this side or part of myself had derailed all relationships out of the negative feelings I have about myself and my body...it’s very convoluted but in a way I M finally coming to terms in accepting that I am bi and I was born this way...it’s time I’ve made peace with myself.... Thank you, Dana
Sevn.....It wasn't a lie. It was you trying to make sense of something that has been very confusing for a lot of us! .....David
I spent many years living as a straight married man. Was I lying, I don’t think so. In those years I believe I had buried my same sex attraction so deeply that even I wasn’t aware of its extent. I lived the life of a straight man. Once those deeply buried desires re-emerged it became clear to me that I needed to acknowledge them and that when everything changed. I think that as we grow in wisdom and understanding we start to see our real selves finally. This is not that we had lied to ourselves and other but rather we had finally come to a futher realization of who we really are. For me I finally grew into the gay man that might have always been there from the start but didn’t realize existed until a catalyst in the person of another man opened my eyes.
Not lying. If you told folks you were a javelin thrower, and you concentrated on being a good javelin thrower, does that mean you were lying because you knew you also could do long jump? Even if people asked if you were a long jump guy, you could say “no” and not be lying — because people never asked “are you an all-around track and field guy” (bi), they just wanted to lump you in one event, and to be lumped that way would not have been true, and nobody ever talked about long jump except to diminish you (homophobia in society). That’s what I’m learning about being bisexual. Just because I did straight and responded that “I am straight” does not mean I was lying. I’m both, in a way. But were you in denial? Sounds like it.
Svenbutton. When I look back I was fully aware of my sexuality. And, you have reported that you did experiment with men. So, on some level I suppose we could each be guilty of "lying". But, where it gets confusing is that for some of us, the opposite sex urges can be real and strong and it can seem like the same sex urges were just not important enough to matter. Then we find out later in life that isn't the case. Life is about growth....or it should be. As we go through our lives we discover more about how we tick. So, now we discover that same sex attractions are important and denying them is lying. But, that can be murky during a life of self discovery.
I feel like I'm always the contrarian here, so take whatever I say with whatever measure of salt is necessary. From what you've said you always knew, so yes from where I sit you lied, probably often. That doesn't mean there weren't reasons, doesn't even mean you shouldn't have done it, but it still is what it is. When I was closeted I lied; I lied to myself, I lied to others. I lied consistently and convincingly. I lied for years. I understand why I did it and for the most part I have forgiven myself. But it doesn't change the fact that I did it. I know for me pretending I had not done it would have definitely stood in the way of getting to a place where I don't do it any more, a place where I place honesty and personal integrity at the core of my own vision of myself. Just another take on things...
@svenbutton In your situation, defining if/why you lied seems less important, to me, than how your wife feels about it. In my case, my wife just doesn't consider my "non disclosure" living a lie. She just doesn't believe I would keep something from her unless I felt I needed to. So, I live with this feeling that I was dishonest and she has moved on from it. Not so much in your case as I understand it. So, from a practical standpoint this becomes a question of interpretation. Do you believe, in your heart of hearts, that you intentionally deceived your wife? This is where I differ, a bit, from @OGS. Strictly speaking we lied. But, I was in pretty bad shape when I met my wife. I had figured a freak like me could never have a relationship. Those were different days. There was no such thing as a bisexual. So, these were just kinks I had...this attraction to men...and it never influenced my attraction to my wife. It is only recently that I have understood how much those feelings really mattered. This is splitting hairs. But, I would call this more of a misinterpretation than an outright lie. Not that it matters. What matters is how you accept this truth and move on.
I'm struggling a little bit with whether or not I lied too. I've been married to my wife for 22 years and I only came out to her as gay in the last year. Previously, I had told her I was bisexual, which I truly believed, but with a lot of therapy and soul searching, I found that I am actually gay. I have known this since I was a teen, knew it when I married her, knew it throughout our marriage. I sometimes feel like I have lied to EVERYBODY in my life. But I think it was all a part of an evolution. When I was in my 20s, I couldn't imagine coming out. But 20 years later, I am ready to come out to a lot of people in my life. Ever since I accepted that I'm gay, I feel like my life is being lived in color. So I think the answer is yes and no. I technically lied, but it was for self-preservation. I was also not ready to accept it. I wanted a straight life, so I buried it deep within me. It wasn't until I looked at my full self that I could evolve enough to love my full self and allow others to do so as well.
I don’t think it is lying, or at least I guess I’d like to think it isn’t. Certainly for most people the person they have lied to most is themselves. And you can’t tell other people the truth until you are ready to accept it yourself.
I'm not sure it really matters in the here-and-now whether you lied 20+ years ago. I think what's more important is to apologize and do all you can to make amends whenever you feel you've done something wrong, which will free you from the burden, and then to move forward it good faith in the future. So it's not about groveling and placing blame, but instead freeing yourself of the baggage and moving toward better things. Nevertheless, I understand how words and labels can be tools of combat (I'm a lawyer, after all) and I think the word "lie" is very imprecise when you're talking about a series of decisions and choices made over decades (as opposed to knowingly giving a false answer to a direct question). So if there was no knowing false statement that you can remember then I would not accept the term "lie" but I would acknowledge failing to be completely open about your struggles (if that's an accurate characterization), apologize for the pain you have caused, and stating your commitment to move forward in all good faith. After that I would refuse to engage in endless arguments over what label applies to summarizing 20+ years of life and redirect the conversation to what you both what to happen going forward.
