I tend to freak out when people hug me. However, there are a few people now and then that I can hug without an issue. I know it's an odd thing to get emotional over, but it's so comforting when I find people who I can hug and not feel scared. Those fleeting moments are great. I wish all my hugs were like that. Unfortunately, with some hugs I find myself flooded with bad memories and I feel a sense of dread and looming fear. Admittedly, I have been overruled by my instincts and punched people in the arm before or pushed them away suddenly when hugged unexpectedly. I'm trying to work on it. Will definitely mention this in therapy once I start going. Anyway, does anyone have (or used to have) this issue? If it's no longer a problem, what changed? Or what helped/how did you get through it?
For the most part people hold out their arms in a kind of invitation to hug and it really is a sign of warmth and friendliness, so maybe the thing to do is pay attention to that visual clue of arms opened and when you see it think, opened arms = openness. If you can train your mind to think positively of hugs, it might help. It sounds like there is something from the past that makes you anxious and fearful about this sort of close contact, so it would be a good idea to mention it in therapy. Once you understand where it's coming from it might be easier to deal with it.
I've never punched anyone or pushed them away, but I actually think those are better reactions than just accepting a hug you don't feel comfortable with and going along with it. Which I have done a few times in the past, because I thought it was the polite thing to do. But then, they weren't being polite to me by giving me a hug I had not asked for. So at least with your reactions, you were defending your boundaries. I rarely seem to get unwanted attention these days. Not sure why, maybe it's because I hang out with different social groups from the types of people I used to associate with, or maybe it's because I'm older and not as pretty as I used to be, or maybe as I've matured I have developed a kind of "back the fuck off" sort of aura about me, I'm not sure, but these days I rarely get people trying to hug or kiss me and I tend to be the one who instigates it if I do hug or kiss someone for the first time.
Canterpiece.....Oh yes...I used to be so afraid of hugging. I was a high school teacher for 41 years. As a band director, I was often very close to my students. They would start taking band from me when they were 11 years old and I had them in class until they graduated, usually at 18. We took many trips, including overnight trips during their years in band. Over the years I got to know them very well, many times having multiple siblings in class at the same time. I also eventually had the children of some of my first students in class. One of the first years I taught we had a faculty member who lost his job because he was too "close" to his female students. Apparently, his "hugs" were a little too enthusiastic. That scared me away from ever hugging any female students. At the same time, I had this really awkward feeling about hugging any male students. At the time I didn't really know why...it just felt wrong. I was about 23-24 when this all started. I retired in 2013 and in 2014 I finally accepted that I am and always have been gay. It was then that quite a few things in my past that had always seemed out of place started to make more sense. Obviously, hugging was one of them. Now I know why it felt awkward! My "kids" were so very important to me that I would NEVER have wanted them to feel that I was being inappropriate with them. That "hidden" gay part of me was warning me to be careful for all of those years before I ever accepted it. Now I am so different. Of course, I am much older and so are they (former students). Today I am an unrepentant "hugger"! A boy in one of my last classes before I retired is a great example. He is about 24 now. I pretty much knew that he was gay in high school. He never came out, but was pretty well accepted by everybody...just a generally nice kid that everybody liked. I ran into him in a store about two years ago. In a very unexpected situation, I came out to him. He was so shocked that he burst into tears on the spot. Then we both grabbed each other into such a wonderful hug that I'll never forget! I hope that you can get to the point that you are more comfortable with hugs...especially for those people who are such a special part of our lives! .....David
Well, I can certainly think of past events that led to this fear. Unfortunately it's been a reoccurring pattern, which has reinforced the phobia overtime. One that was targeted by bullies a lot. So finding the original source may be difficult. Probably the memory that pops into my head whenever I feel this way is the main culprit...but I had this aversion even before that happened. I have earlier memories of getting in trouble after freaking out when another kid got too close to me. However, according to some school notes I was fearful of this from much earlier on. It's something of a... was I afraid because of the bullying, or did the bullying occur because I was afraid and they took advantage of this? scenario. Personally, thinking positively isn't always the most natural thing. Admittedly, I used to have a fear of optimism because certain people who were close to me would put on this fake positivity even though they weren't OK. Then they'd lose this persona and start to scare me when I was a child. So I learnt to associate optimism with hidden mental instability. I was afraid of people who seemed overly optimistic in case they weren't really alright, and that I might accidentally set them off. For a long time optimism has held personal negative connotations. I'm slowly adjusting my mindset. These days I know that a person can truly be positive and optimistic without hiding bad intentions. I sometimes ask myself why people care about me. One of my intrusive thoughts. I know where that comes from as well. The memory connected with that thought, along with my past feelings towards positivity combined with the bullying and perhaps even events before all that...it paints a complex picture. However, I do hope that I can learn to think positively about these signals again.
hey hey canter, it's nice to see you. Yes, I've had issues with people hugging me in the past. It would make me very uncomfortable, but it doesn't bother me as much. I'm a lot less socially awkward than I once was, maybe that played a part.
